Some Feedback on this Please

[IAmFlow]

This a Story Bout the Struggle, A Story Bout The Greatness
thru the Quarry In da Ruckle and the Glory In the Makin
How The Strife In The Distance became The Survival Of The Fittest
its not their 'Fight That we Witness' its the Lifes They Live In

this about a step son.n a girl named dorri.. her parents where demented and sick
all she wanted was the 'love' but her dad Resented that bitch!!
if he could he prolly rent out that bitch.. and she cried n cried for days
til she walked in at the age of 8, hurt and supplied with rage
her dad sat on a slate, looking right at her with his eyes on gaze
on the counter was the pistol he slowly lifted to his palms
her eyes got watery and she ran to swift up in his arms
but his finger got tighter as the barrel's pressure built
her mind racing.. and she just got this lesser guilt!!
the "bullet began to revolve" his brains started missin links (slow motion)
the big bang!! and in shock staring.. at the stains in the kitchen sink
her lone beloved dad that hated her with a passion
was finally gone.. but she created hurt when it happened
the guilt began to swallow her, her mind turned hazy
as she got older this mind went crazy!!

at the age of 34, she was happily married. a step son n two children
but she really never cared bout the step son.. or what dudes' feeling
her past eventually began to slowly arise. cept wit hallucinations n shit
so as it began it was bad news facing the kids
she used to beat herself up and blame it on their husband
and when the cops showed up.. it became what it wasn't
she'd yell to the attic for the girlfriend to come down
but all it was, was dust that descended straight down
it all began to pick up.. she started doing drugs and lieing even more
and their father loved her so much!!! you stupid FUCK! quit lieing for that whore
quit staying with her letting her tear the family apart
she's seeing shit n believing it, n standng on r hearts
this wasn't even "half the shit" that began from the start
the amount of shit seen n said is explicit to you all
cause that whole family.. was down right miserable!!
but one day "police" finally seen her all coked up n unconscious
and took her in....she woke up.. n then Spoke her nonsense..
they brough to a phychiatrist to bit the mania and da guy told her
that she diagnosed with schizophrenia and she was bi-polar
in the end.. the stepson moved in with his mother
but the luck wasn't the same for the others
well the brother was fine he lived with dad
but the sister.. had a kid at 13 she wish she never had..
and the dad n son made it thru.. but they were never the fuckin same
and that bout the jist of it.. the whole family was completely fuckin insane

[IAmFlow]

This a Story Bout the Struggle, A Story Bout The Greatness
thru the Quarry In da Ruckle and the Glory In the Makin
How The Strife In The Distance became The Survival Of The Fittest
its not their 'Fight That we Witness' its the Lifes They Live In

this about a step son.n a girl named dorri.. her parents where demented and sick
all she wanted was the 'love' but her dad Resented that bitch!!
if he could he prolly rent out that bitch.. and she cried n cried for days
til she walked in at the age of 8, hurt and supplied with rage
her dad sat on a slate, looking right at her with his eyes on gaze
on the counter was the pistol he slowly lifted to his palms
her eyes got watery and she ran to swift up in his arms
but his finger got tighter as the barrel's pressure built
her mind racing.. and she just got this lesser guilt!!
the "bullet began to revolve" his brains started missin links (slow motion)
the big bang!! and in shock staring.. at the stains in the kitchen sink
her lone beloved dad that hated her with a passion
was finally gone.. but she created hurt when it happened
the guilt began to swallow her, her mind turned hazy
as she got older this mind went crazy!!

at the age of 34, she was happily married. a step son n two children
but she really never cared bout the step son.. or what dudes' feeling
her past eventually began to slowly arise. cept wit hallucinations n shit
so as it began it was bad news facing the kids
she used to beat herself up and blame it on their husband
and when the cops showed up.. it became what it wasn't
she'd yell to the attic for the girlfriend to come down
but all it was, was dust that descended straight down
it all began to pick up.. she started doing drugs and lieing even more
and their father loved her so much!!! you stupid FUCK! quit lieing for that whore
quit staying with her letting her tear the family apart
she's seeing shit n believing it, n standng on r hearts
this wasn't even "half the shit" that began from the start
the amount of shit seen n said is explicit to you all
cause that whole family.. was down right miserable!!
but one day "police" finally seen her all coked up n unconscious
and took her in....she woke up.. n then Spoke her nonsense..
they brough to a phychiatrist to bit the mania and da guy told her
that she diagnosed with schizophrenia and she was bi-polar
in the end.. the stepson moved in with his mother
but the luck wasn't the same for the others
well the brother was fine he lived with dad
but the sister.. had a kid at 13 she wish she never had..
and the dad n son made it thru.. but they were never the fuckin same
and that bout the jist of it.. the whole family was completely fuckin insane

[IAmFlow]

bump!!!!!!

[IAmFlow]

bump!!!!!!

[EJT]

i think we have a cypher section

[EJT]

i think we have a cypher section

[IAmFlow]

^ yeah but im not finished with it.. im still working on it..
i want some critque so i can go thru n edit it and make it better
before i post it

and im not the only one on the cypher either.. so i have to wait for them also

[IAmFlow]

^ yeah but im not finished with it.. im still working on it..
i want some critque so i can go thru n edit it and make it better
before i post it

and im not the only one on the cypher either.. so i have to wait for them also

I'lll come back to this,.

I'lll come back to this,.

[IAmFlow]

ight ill be waiting

[IAmFlow]

ight ill be waiting

[IAmFlow]

uppppinnnn...

[IAmFlow]

uppppinnnn...

[Johnny Qu]

Flow carried perfectly with the story

I liked it

[Johnny Qu]

Flow carried perfectly with the story

I liked it

[IAmFlow]

^ Thank You!!

[IAmFlow]

^ Thank You!!

[S K E T C H]

pretty dope..

[S K E T C H]

pretty dope..