Askari vs NelSyn ROUND 2 ASKARI WINS!!

[IV]

Askari vs NelSyn

House rules apply. Any questions, contact me.

Check ins are due Friday (March 16th) at 11.59PM EST
Verses are due Monday (March 19th) at 11.59PM EST

7/7 LONDON UNDERGROUND BOMBINGS

Line length; 20-60 lines
3-0 K.O or first to 5 votes

Voting Rubix
Rhyming Scheme/Flow
Vocabulary
Topic/Meaning
Storytelling/Progression
Emotion
Imagery
Poetic Techniques
Ending

[IV]

Askari vs NelSyn

House rules apply. Any questions, contact me.

Check ins are due Friday (March 16th) at 11.59PM EST
Verses are due Monday (March 19th) at 11.59PM EST

7/7 LONDON UNDERGROUND BOMBINGS

Line length; 20-60 lines
3-0 K.O or first to 5 votes

Voting Rubix
Rhyming Scheme/Flow
Vocabulary
Topic/Meaning
Storytelling/Progression
Emotion
Imagery
Poetic Techniques
Ending

[NelSyn]

[NelSyn]

[Askari]

Checking in @Verity

[Askari]

Checking in @Verity

[NelSyn]

..He awakes from the blast that nearly Shattered his Limbs..
His bones Battered & Slim, the bomb just 'Came in his Direction'...
Like it was Flattering Him..
His last memories - his son was Playing Around
jumping up & down, Making some Sounds..
A young boy, just starting to Spread his Wings..
Won't be a gangster, no bragging about the Lead he Brings..
& Unless he sings, his soul would Remain Pure..
& if life's a disease..then he's looking for the Main Cure..
For all the evil & all the Stress that it brings.
For all the bad parents, that are Bested by Things..
For people to remain good, Blessed by the Kings
The man zones back Into Reality, before he even realized he was Hit by a Tragedy..
Now - he notices, he's Missin' his Family..
Dozens are Dead..like an army of bees Buzzin in Beds..
Or gangs fucking busting the lead
this wasn't an act of war..
Only an Act of Hate, that people Activate, quicker then a snap, so they can Fabricate..
The evidence, then try to Vaccinate all the evil on this planet..
So we amputate our own kind, we still kill like the evolution of Man to Ape..
It's what we were meant to do, no need to Graduate..
But when we do kill they wanna Evaluate, our minds, & dig deep in our past..
Only to find out we were fucked up, like we were Breathing the Gas..
intaking the Ether, as the smoke rises..Blazing the reefer
He aint ever gonna quit til' he gains Revenge..
& like an old war, bitches hate the stench
that'll Remain Entrenched..
The smell of the Dead..
Getting Stuck in their Heads..
Quicker then spilling Lead..

---------- Post added at 07:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:36 AM ----------

Good luck Askari.

[NelSyn]

..He awakes from the blast that nearly Shattered his Limbs..
His bones Battered & Slim, the bomb just 'Came in his Direction'...
Like it was Flattering Him..
His last memories - his son was Playing Around
jumping up & down, Making some Sounds..
A young boy, just starting to Spread his Wings..
Won't be a gangster, no bragging about the Lead he Brings..
& Unless he sings, his soul would Remain Pure..
& if life's a disease..then he's looking for the Main Cure..
For all the evil & all the Stress that it brings.
For all the bad parents, that are Bested by Things..
For people to remain good, Blessed by the Kings
The man zones back Into Reality, before he even realized he was Hit by a Tragedy..
Now - he notices, he's Missin' his Family..
Dozens are Dead..like an army of bees Buzzin in Beds..
Or gangs fucking busting the lead
this wasn't an act of war..
Only an Act of Hate, that people Activate, quicker then a snap, so they can Fabricate..
The evidence, then try to Vaccinate all the evil on this planet..
So we amputate our own kind, we still kill like the evolution of Man to Ape..
It's what we were meant to do, no need to Graduate..
But when we do kill they wanna Evaluate, our minds, & dig deep in our past..
Only to find out we were fucked up, like we were Breathing the Gas..
intaking the Ether, as the smoke rises..Blazing the reefer
He aint ever gonna quit til' he gains Revenge..
& like an old war, bitches hate the stench
that'll Remain Entrenched..
The smell of the Dead..
Getting Stuck in their Heads..
Quicker then spilling Lead..

---------- Post added at 07:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:36 AM ----------

Good luck Askari.

[IV]

Thanks for both checking in on time! Please submit your verses by Monday at 11.59EST or you will be replaced by a wild card last minute entry! Good luck!

[IV]

Thanks for both checking in on time! Please submit your verses by Monday at 11.59EST or you will be replaced by a wild card last minute entry! Good luck!

[Askari]

"One to the city centre please driver"
This could be a normal day, if I'd let it,
I could sit peacefully, smile, not regret but forget it.
But to uphold the faith?
This could not be the case.
An escape to embrace the mistakes of the wasted faces in grace.
In grace.
Everybody thinks they're special,
The world revolves around them and their desire to be in the limelight,
As for twilight, the highlight of this high-life would be my light.
Twilight.
You'll remember my name, this isn't a game,
You only have yourselves to blame.
A thousand pairs of huddled headphones hissed
Creating static and miscellaneous melodies,
Hear a song, lose the song,
Catch the song, lose the song,
Like grasping water.
Upon this bus commuters travelled,
The life behind every woman and man's eyes,
On standby.
Atavistic was the state that these sleeping sparks would take...
I could feel the plastic sticking to my skin,
Beneath my robes, binding and releasing all at once,
They would remember me as a martyr;
The one that shook the whole old religion
With a decision to execute my tuition with swift percision
and dedication.
The mosque would mourn me;
Christian's would scorn me.
This brought mirth to my mellow mind.
But then the thought struck me,
Like the moment a junkie comes down from a hit:
These are real people, these people have never harmed me,
These people have families,
They don't deserve this.
This.
And then like a fire drill,
This red bus reflected my anger and alarm
As I felt a million eyes, stare through my disguise,
Or at least that's how it seemed to me to be,
Like snipers dots they pressured me, coercing me to crack,
Allah be there waiting to greet me.
The flash, the bang, the screams that followed
like the beginning of an Olympic race only this was not encouragement
This was sweet disaster.
Those corporate commuting cunts and their constant cutting stares
Crushing. Their limbs and blood blown,
Among shards of the red bus
Like a beautiful fireworks display, a metropolitan celebration:
A shock to the most monopolized racist city in the world.
As the blood rained gently to the ground onlookers rushed,
As if they had finally reached the end of a rainbow and realised:
It was a lie all along.
A lie all along.
Perhaps had they not judged me, not pigeon-holed my looks,
"The beard, the robes, the turban.. has a bomb"
They could have lived on fruitfully, behind a fruitless truth:
Now they're just spaghetti to the cause.
Judgement passed led me to crack,
Never show mercy, never look back.
Remember my name, this isn't a game,
You only have yourselves to blame.

[Askari]

"One to the city centre please driver"
This could be a normal day, if I'd let it,
I could sit peacefully, smile, not regret but forget it.
But to uphold the faith?
This could not be the case.
An escape to embrace the mistakes of the wasted faces in grace.
In grace.
Everybody thinks they're special,
The world revolves around them and their desire to be in the limelight,
As for twilight, the highlight of this high-life would be my light.
Twilight.
You'll remember my name, this isn't a game,
You only have yourselves to blame.
A thousand pairs of huddled headphones hissed
Creating static and miscellaneous melodies,
Hear a song, lose the song,
Catch the song, lose the song,
Like grasping water.
Upon this bus commuters travelled,
The life behind every woman and man's eyes,
On standby.
Atavistic was the state that these sleeping sparks would take...
I could feel the plastic sticking to my skin,
Beneath my robes, binding and releasing all at once,
They would remember me as a martyr;
The one that shook the whole old religion
With a decision to execute my tuition with swift percision
and dedication.
The mosque would mourn me;
Christian's would scorn me.
This brought mirth to my mellow mind.
But then the thought struck me,
Like the moment a junkie comes down from a hit:
These are real people, these people have never harmed me,
These people have families,
They don't deserve this.
This.
And then like a fire drill,
This red bus reflected my anger and alarm
As I felt a million eyes, stare through my disguise,
Or at least that's how it seemed to me to be,
Like snipers dots they pressured me, coercing me to crack,
Allah be there waiting to greet me.
The flash, the bang, the screams that followed
like the beginning of an Olympic race only this was not encouragement
This was sweet disaster.
Those corporate commuting cunts and their constant cutting stares
Crushing. Their limbs and blood blown,
Among shards of the red bus
Like a beautiful fireworks display, a metropolitan celebration:
A shock to the most monopolized racist city in the world.
As the blood rained gently to the ground onlookers rushed,
As if they had finally reached the end of a rainbow and realised:
It was a lie all along.
A lie all along.
Perhaps had they not judged me, not pigeon-holed my looks,
"The beard, the robes, the turban.. has a bomb"
They could have lived on fruitfully, behind a fruitless truth:
Now they're just spaghetti to the cause.
Judgement passed led me to crack,
Never show mercy, never look back.
Remember my name, this isn't a game,
You only have yourselves to blame.

[NelSyn]

Upppppppppppping.

[NelSyn]

Upppppppppppping.

[S A L T]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow: Askari
Vocabulary: Askari
Topic/Meaning: Pretty Even, i felt NelSyn had something deeper going on and Askari was meaningful yet more direct. so it was Close.
Storytelling/Progression: Askari
Emotion: Close
Imagery: Askari
Poetic Techniques: Close
Ending: Askari Edged

I feel like Askari came up on top. It was DOPE AF. Both brought deep and meaningful material, i felt like one just executed better and made it flow and interpret. fair.

[S A L T]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow: Askari
Vocabulary: Askari
Topic/Meaning: Pretty Even, i felt NelSyn had something deeper going on and Askari was meaningful yet more direct. so it was Close.
Storytelling/Progression: Askari
Emotion: Close
Imagery: Askari
Poetic Techniques: Close
Ending: Askari Edged

I feel like Askari came up on top. It was DOPE AF. Both brought deep and meaningful material, i felt like one just executed better and made it flow and interpret. fair.

[RhetoriK]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow - NelSyn took this category. I think this was in part to the chosen structure that both used. Nel had more opportunity to add body to schemes, and Askari took the concept to bare bones and worked from that angle. Basically it was the product of the style.

Vocabulary - Askari This was interesting too. NelSyn used 'bigger' words, but vocab's a lot more than just number of letters right? Askari used some great catch terms and the words that he selected held more weight.

Topic/Meaning - NelSyn This was a biographical introspective vs a thriller action flick. I honestly liked both perspectives. I think Nel's attempt was heavier in the heart. Askari's illustrated something closer to realtime. So you have one that stopped time and examined the thoughts and the other that captured the moment itself.

Storytelling/Progression - Askari He started at the beginning and ended at the end. Nel Started off like 1/16th of the way in. In fact, if I were to read this without knowing the basis I would think 'what bomb' after the first line. He recovered well don't get me wrong, but Askari shined more.

Emotion - NelSyn with the traditional topical angle he took he did very well. Askari captured moments very well but as a whole it goes to Nel.

Imagery - Askari I think this goes along with the thriller aspect to Ask's drop. Nel did well, but with a headless storyline the recovery/developments were much slower than I would have liked to seen. Let me stay objective, this was the absolute weakest part for both imo.

Poetic Techniques - Askari Placement of the one-worded line stops offset the piece well.

Ending - Tied You both stopped on a dime which was cool. if i gave 'edges' it would go to Nel because of how he fought to bring the concept back around from earlier and did so eloquently. but really, no 'stronger' end here.

Overall - Askari You both covered the topic well. When you look to the heart of the story it wasn't the end that decided this for me, it was the beginning. Nel, i know i used the term 'headless storyline' in the expos but seriously it affected my perception through the piece. You have a lot of potential talent in this type of writing. Askari, well done. I think you should really focus on how you peel layers back on the storyline. This would have been unbeatable with a little more body to the physical story. I respect the direct manner that you took though and in the end it was a creative risk that benefited you more than hurt. Good luck to both

[RhetoriK]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow - NelSyn took this category. I think this was in part to the chosen structure that both used. Nel had more opportunity to add body to schemes, and Askari took the concept to bare bones and worked from that angle. Basically it was the product of the style.

Vocabulary - Askari This was interesting too. NelSyn used 'bigger' words, but vocab's a lot more than just number of letters right? Askari used some great catch terms and the words that he selected held more weight.

Topic/Meaning - NelSyn This was a biographical introspective vs a thriller action flick. I honestly liked both perspectives. I think Nel's attempt was heavier in the heart. Askari's illustrated something closer to realtime. So you have one that stopped time and examined the thoughts and the other that captured the moment itself.

Storytelling/Progression - Askari He started at the beginning and ended at the end. Nel Started off like 1/16th of the way in. In fact, if I were to read this without knowing the basis I would think 'what bomb' after the first line. He recovered well don't get me wrong, but Askari shined more.

Emotion - NelSyn with the traditional topical angle he took he did very well. Askari captured moments very well but as a whole it goes to Nel.

Imagery - Askari I think this goes along with the thriller aspect to Ask's drop. Nel did well, but with a headless storyline the recovery/developments were much slower than I would have liked to seen. Let me stay objective, this was the absolute weakest part for both imo.

Poetic Techniques - Askari Placement of the one-worded line stops offset the piece well.

Ending - Tied You both stopped on a dime which was cool. if i gave 'edges' it would go to Nel because of how he fought to bring the concept back around from earlier and did so eloquently. but really, no 'stronger' end here.

Overall - Askari You both covered the topic well. When you look to the heart of the story it wasn't the end that decided this for me, it was the beginning. Nel, i know i used the term 'headless storyline' in the expos but seriously it affected my perception through the piece. You have a lot of potential talent in this type of writing. Askari, well done. I think you should really focus on how you peel layers back on the storyline. This would have been unbeatable with a little more body to the physical story. I respect the direct manner that you took though and in the end it was a creative risk that benefited you more than hurt. Good luck to both

[IV]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow - NelSyn - Took a more obvious route, Askari had a very subtle rhyming scheme which worked well with his piece, but NelSyn took this category.

Vocabulary - Askari - Hands down. Nelsyn was a lot more basic, Askari really showed off his range.

Topic/Meaning - Askari- I liked that you went from the terroists point of view that was a really clever idea, I wasn't expecting it. NelSyn I think you went a bit off topic, but nice concept in general, just drifted off slightly.

Storytelling/Progression - Askari - Clear beginning, middle and end. Progressed nicely and was really captivating throughout. No boring parts, didn't drag, great job.

Emotion - TIE - I think NelSyn went down the whole depressed route, a lot of emotion came off. I think people need to realise that 'emotion' doesn't always mean sad. Askari had a lot of bitterness (imo) coming from his verse, a bit of hate, and showed moments of remorse. Can't judge it! NelSyn kept the emotion the whole way through, Askari executed his emotion very originally, and made me feel what he was feeling at the exact time, very impressive from both.

Imagery - TIE - Hardest category to master IMO not enough imagery from either side to win this.

Poetic Techniques - Askari - Nice use of repetition.

Ending - Askari - Predictable, but the last couple lines sent out a really good message! Rounded the story off nicely.

Overall MVGT - Askari - I really enjoyed this one. Being a big event in Englands' recent terrorist history I was looking forward to what angles you would take. I think Askari used a lot of poetic techniques, created an extremely creative and original verse, with not so obvious tradition-topical traits. NelSyn you've really improved since last round, I was impressed by your verse and I think you have a lot of potential. Askari over powered it right here. Thanks for both submitting, and good luck to Askari in the later rounds.

---------- Post added at 06:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:56 PM ----------

Due to 3-0 K.O Askari wins! Great battle from both, NelSyn you will be first reserve for next round.

[IV]

Rhyming Scheme/Flow - NelSyn - Took a more obvious route, Askari had a very subtle rhyming scheme which worked well with his piece, but NelSyn took this category.

Vocabulary - Askari - Hands down. Nelsyn was a lot more basic, Askari really showed off his range.

Topic/Meaning - Askari- I liked that you went from the terroists point of view that was a really clever idea, I wasn't expecting it. NelSyn I think you went a bit off topic, but nice concept in general, just drifted off slightly.

Storytelling/Progression - Askari - Clear beginning, middle and end. Progressed nicely and was really captivating throughout. No boring parts, didn't drag, great job.

Emotion - TIE - I think NelSyn went down the whole depressed route, a lot of emotion came off. I think people need to realise that 'emotion' doesn't always mean sad. Askari had a lot of bitterness (imo) coming from his verse, a bit of hate, and showed moments of remorse. Can't judge it! NelSyn kept the emotion the whole way through, Askari executed his emotion very originally, and made me feel what he was feeling at the exact time, very impressive from both.

Imagery - TIE - Hardest category to master IMO not enough imagery from either side to win this.

Poetic Techniques - Askari - Nice use of repetition.

Ending - Askari - Predictable, but the last couple lines sent out a really good message! Rounded the story off nicely.

Overall MVGT - Askari - I really enjoyed this one. Being a big event in Englands' recent terrorist history I was looking forward to what angles you would take. I think Askari used a lot of poetic techniques, created an extremely creative and original verse, with not so obvious tradition-topical traits. NelSyn you've really improved since last round, I was impressed by your verse and I think you have a lot of potential. Askari over powered it right here. Thanks for both submitting, and good luck to Askari in the later rounds.

---------- Post added at 06:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:56 PM ----------

Due to 3-0 K.O Askari wins! Great battle from both, NelSyn you will be first reserve for next round.