RULE's One Bar Feedback Thread

[Obey]

@BLNK I don't recall every seeing one. You must remember I am in my infantile stages of this website, I do not have a letsbeef.com encyclopedia yet. But when I do, I'll venture through and collect some more data so this mistake does not partake on your watch. Sorry for the inconvenience.

[Obey]

@BLNK I don't recall every seeing one. You must remember I am in my infantile stages of this website, I do not have a letsbeef.com encyclopedia yet. But when I do, I'll venture through and collect some more data so this mistake does not partake on your watch. Sorry for the inconvenience.

[RULE]

@BLNK

This your "Last Ride," you need a HEARSE, CAUSE YOU'RE DEAD... "He'll Manage A Paul Bearer" if he doesn't 'URN' MY RESPECT!!(Heel Manager Paul Bearer.)

Edit: It's an Undertaker bar..


This your "Last Ride," you need a HEARSE, CAUSE YOU'RE DEAD...

This is fine to me, relevant and simply worded...

"He'll Manage A Paul Bearer" if he doesn't 'URN' MY RESPECT!!

This on the other hand makes no sense. If he's dead, how would he "manage a pall bearer?" infact what the hell does manage a pall bearer mean?? The wordplay itself worked fine, a little simple but fine enough. The actual punchline with the earn/urn was ok but the second line made absolutely no sense at all.

he's dead, needs a hearse, and then he'll manage a pall bearer if he doesnt earn your respect?

The bar doesnt work at all and would be what i consider a ghost bar when i vote on battles. Because its a bar so flawed its an automatic 0/10.


Holla!





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---------- Post added at 09:49 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:35 AM ----------
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@Agonize

If this 'Party Rockin' it's cuz my people SWELLED AN FLEXED THEY CHROME. Now it's X see and he knows it' so I pop some SHELLS AND WHEN THEY BLOW it's 2 hits and you never hear from 'em again L.M.F.A.O

Party Rock and Sexy and I know it were 2 of LMFAO's hits and then they fell off like eczema flakes


If this 'Party Rockin' it's cuz my people SWELLED AN FLEXED THEY CHROME.

This line is really poorly worded, your people swelled and flexed they chrome? Flex the chrome? sure sure but swelled?? Its forced wording to fit in the scheme. The whole is stretched to the point that the flow is poor as well.

Now it's X see and he knows it' so I pop some SHELLS AND WHEN THEY BLOW

its X see and he knows it. what in the blue hell does that mean? Complete filler that makes no sense.

it's 2 hits and you never hear from 'em again L.M.F.A.O

The first problem here is this part: "its 2 hits" ... nowhere in your build do you state that you're only firing two shots. If your build had somethiong like "i'll squeeze the trigger twice" then the 2 hits line would make a lot more sense.

The actually punchline itself is very low impact, your laughing cuz he's dead, ok i guess. The punch also has the problem with its concept. LMFAO isnt an act that has disbanded or anything, whereas your opinion might be that they've fallen off, i wouldnt expect the voters to feel the same way which also effects the impact.

The attempt to keep the bar relevant was good, but at the expense of wording and simply common sense it makes this a very poor bar.

Holla!





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---------- Post added at 10:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:49 AM ----------
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@Obey

But his bars are ‘Unable to come back:’ it’s only the TRUTH TO SAVE YA on a ‘respirator w/ lines, gassed up:’ it’s only USED TWO DAYS, THE way you’re ‘Falling asleep unwillingly:’ it looked like some YOUTH IN ASIA.. (To daze ya/Euthanasia>-_-)


Im gonna start backwards on this one and address the fundamental issue: the "Youth In Asia" wordplay. Firstly its beyond played. I googled Youth In Asia and Letsbeef and him up with 4 pages of examples in which it had been used. Manny Festo in 2008, Apoc God in 2010, Myself in 2011, BLNK in 2009, Letum in 2011 etc etc the list goes on. The next problem is the context in which it was used:

way you’re ‘Falling asleep unwillingly:’ it looked like some YOUTH IN ASIA

What in the blue hell does that mean? Do kids in asia fall asleep unwillingly? The way you used the wordplay REQUIRES it to make sense in both ways and it just plain doesnt. So you've had a pretty long build to a punchline that is extremely flawed.

Now to tackle the build

But his bars are ‘Unable to come back:’

^Thats the start of your bar. "But" what? its like your referencing something that the rest of us dont know about? Was the line before connected in some way? *goes to check*...
...no it wasnt. So straight from the start your bar has poor wording.

But his bars are ‘Unable to come back: it’s only the TRUTH TO SAVE YA

again... the line just makes no sense.


on a ‘respirator w/ lines, gassed up:’ it’s only USED TWO DAYS,

And yet again the sentence makes no sense. Its just a forced build relevancy and a forced wordplay.


I'll stop there, you are suffering with an issue many decent battlers have, where you focus soo much on making the bar relevant and including wordplay that the actual wording is terrible and the bar just doesnt make sense. You clearly have the ability, but dont try to run before you can walk. Topic references are useless if the bar just doesnt make sense.

Holla!

[RULE]

@BLNK

This your "Last Ride," you need a HEARSE, CAUSE YOU'RE DEAD... "He'll Manage A Paul Bearer" if he doesn't 'URN' MY RESPECT!!(Heel Manager Paul Bearer.)

Edit: It's an Undertaker bar..


This your "Last Ride," you need a HEARSE, CAUSE YOU'RE DEAD...

This is fine to me, relevant and simply worded...

"He'll Manage A Paul Bearer" if he doesn't 'URN' MY RESPECT!!

This on the other hand makes no sense. If he's dead, how would he "manage a pall bearer?" infact what the hell does manage a pall bearer mean?? The wordplay itself worked fine, a little simple but fine enough. The actual punchline with the earn/urn was ok but the second line made absolutely no sense at all.

he's dead, needs a hearse, and then he'll manage a pall bearer if he doesnt earn your respect?

The bar doesnt work at all and would be what i consider a ghost bar when i vote on battles. Because its a bar so flawed its an automatic 0/10.


Holla!





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---------- Post added at 09:49 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:35 AM ----------
=================================================





@Agonize

If this 'Party Rockin' it's cuz my people SWELLED AN FLEXED THEY CHROME. Now it's X see and he knows it' so I pop some SHELLS AND WHEN THEY BLOW it's 2 hits and you never hear from 'em again L.M.F.A.O

Party Rock and Sexy and I know it were 2 of LMFAO's hits and then they fell off like eczema flakes


If this 'Party Rockin' it's cuz my people SWELLED AN FLEXED THEY CHROME.

This line is really poorly worded, your people swelled and flexed they chrome? Flex the chrome? sure sure but swelled?? Its forced wording to fit in the scheme. The whole is stretched to the point that the flow is poor as well.

Now it's X see and he knows it' so I pop some SHELLS AND WHEN THEY BLOW

its X see and he knows it. what in the blue hell does that mean? Complete filler that makes no sense.

it's 2 hits and you never hear from 'em again L.M.F.A.O

The first problem here is this part: "its 2 hits" ... nowhere in your build do you state that you're only firing two shots. If your build had somethiong like "i'll squeeze the trigger twice" then the 2 hits line would make a lot more sense.

The actually punchline itself is very low impact, your laughing cuz he's dead, ok i guess. The punch also has the problem with its concept. LMFAO isnt an act that has disbanded or anything, whereas your opinion might be that they've fallen off, i wouldnt expect the voters to feel the same way which also effects the impact.

The attempt to keep the bar relevant was good, but at the expense of wording and simply common sense it makes this a very poor bar.

Holla!





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---------- Post added at 10:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:49 AM ----------
==============================================




@Obey

But his bars are ‘Unable to come back:’ it’s only the TRUTH TO SAVE YA on a ‘respirator w/ lines, gassed up:’ it’s only USED TWO DAYS, THE way you’re ‘Falling asleep unwillingly:’ it looked like some YOUTH IN ASIA.. (To daze ya/Euthanasia>-_-)


Im gonna start backwards on this one and address the fundamental issue: the "Youth In Asia" wordplay. Firstly its beyond played. I googled Youth In Asia and Letsbeef and him up with 4 pages of examples in which it had been used. Manny Festo in 2008, Apoc God in 2010, Myself in 2011, BLNK in 2009, Letum in 2011 etc etc the list goes on. The next problem is the context in which it was used:

way you’re ‘Falling asleep unwillingly:’ it looked like some YOUTH IN ASIA

What in the blue hell does that mean? Do kids in asia fall asleep unwillingly? The way you used the wordplay REQUIRES it to make sense in both ways and it just plain doesnt. So you've had a pretty long build to a punchline that is extremely flawed.

Now to tackle the build

But his bars are ‘Unable to come back:’

^Thats the start of your bar. "But" what? its like your referencing something that the rest of us dont know about? Was the line before connected in some way? *goes to check*...
...no it wasnt. So straight from the start your bar has poor wording.

But his bars are ‘Unable to come back: it’s only the TRUTH TO SAVE YA

again... the line just makes no sense.


on a ‘respirator w/ lines, gassed up:’ it’s only USED TWO DAYS,

And yet again the sentence makes no sense. Its just a forced build relevancy and a forced wordplay.


I'll stop there, you are suffering with an issue many decent battlers have, where you focus soo much on making the bar relevant and including wordplay that the actual wording is terrible and the bar just doesnt make sense. You clearly have the ability, but dont try to run before you can walk. Topic references are useless if the bar just doesnt make sense.

Holla!

[KING POSEIDON]

@RULE

Hell if he "cheats" should i "PLAY BY THE RULES"? with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE cuz honestly he's just a LAME GUY TO BOOST

[KING POSEIDON]

@RULE

Hell if he "cheats" should i "PLAY BY THE RULES"? with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE cuz honestly he's just a LAME GUY TO BOOST

[RULE]

@KING POSEIDON

Hell if he "cheats" should i "PLAY BY THE RULES"? with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE cuz honestly he's just a LAME GUY TO BOOST


Im assuming this bar is about me lol

Lets start with the main issue: Punch Impact.

honestly he's just a LAME GUY TO BOOST

Really? This is what three lines are building up to? He's a lame guy??? The reason its called a punchline is because its the big result of a set-up. So if the punchline is weak, no amount of skill in the build will save it.

Lets get to the build

Hell if he "cheats" should i "PLAY BY THE RULES"?

Decent start, the name reference is ok rather than great but is a solid start.

with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE

A number of issues here. The length is one of them. When you have a line this long without any inner-multis to keep the flow going the rhythm brakes down and really hurts the bar.

Now to the actual content. with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE

He has 3 accounts and wants to elevate. Thats hardly something a person should be insulted by or for. I understand the "elevate" and "hangs on a noose" relation but the connection between someone having multis accounts and you leaving them for dead is baffling to me. It just doesnt make sense.

Make sure your content is insult-worthy. This is a mistake a lot of people make.

Holla!

[RULE]

@KING POSEIDON

Hell if he "cheats" should i "PLAY BY THE RULES"? with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE cuz honestly he's just a LAME GUY TO BOOST


Im assuming this bar is about me lol

Lets start with the main issue: Punch Impact.

honestly he's just a LAME GUY TO BOOST

Really? This is what three lines are building up to? He's a lame guy??? The reason its called a punchline is because its the big result of a set-up. So if the punchline is weak, no amount of skill in the build will save it.

Lets get to the build

Hell if he "cheats" should i "PLAY BY THE RULES"?

Decent start, the name reference is ok rather than great but is a solid start.

with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE

A number of issues here. The length is one of them. When you have a line this long without any inner-multis to keep the flow going the rhythm brakes down and really hurts the bar.

Now to the actual content. with "3 accounts" he wants to "elevate" okay then i'll leave em for dead as he HANGS ON THE NOOSE

He has 3 accounts and wants to elevate. Thats hardly something a person should be insulted by or for. I understand the "elevate" and "hangs on a noose" relation but the connection between someone having multis accounts and you leaving them for dead is baffling to me. It just doesnt make sense.

Make sure your content is insult-worthy. This is a mistake a lot of people make.

Holla!

[IV]

Errrr RULE you appear to have missed something.

Also some feedback on the Youth In Asia bar, euthanasia is where you WANT to die so you don't fall asleep unwillingly you actually are very willing.

[IV]

Errrr RULE you appear to have missed something.

Also some feedback on the Youth In Asia bar, euthanasia is where you WANT to die so you don't fall asleep unwillingly you actually are very willing.

vs @Row

He's on the forums like "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" but every time this SHOOK KID ATTACKS He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!!

@GRizzEAT

vs @Row

He's on the forums like "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" but every time this SHOOK KID ATTACKS He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!!

@GRizzEAT

[RULE]

@Nicholas

He's on the forums like "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" but every time this SHOOK KID ATTACKS He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!!


Overall this is a decent little jab. Firstly a minor gripe, you should keep an eye on punctuation: "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" ... "LOOK NICK, THAT'S WACK!"
The addition of the comma tells the reader where to pause, and makes the meaning of the sentence clear. Also the exclamation mark added to the end tells the reader that Row was making a statement. Thats wack, becomes: Thats wack!.

This next critque might sound funny but bare with me. Your multis in this bar were TOO rigid, its like you try too hard for every syllable to be identical and it makes the flow blocky. Another issue is when you try to use what i call a soft-syllable. Lemme try to explain:

LOOK NICK THATS WACK
SHOOK KID aTTACKS

Thats the way the words are sounded out, the "a" on ATTACKS is a soft sounded syllable which throws off the flow when reading it the way you structured the bar. "THATS" is a fairly long one syllable word, whereas "a" is very short. I know most people dont consider syllables to be different lengths but they can be and its minor issues like this that can throw the flow of a rhyme off.

As for the punchline: He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!! i have a few pointers.

Firstly the concept itself by its nature will reduce the amount of voters that will understand it. The insult is that he calls for GRizzEAT's support whenever he disses someone. Firstly the validity of the insult is questionable which affects the punches power. For example its like insulting the track quality of Real Talk. It might be a nice bar but when the truth of it isnt high then it affects the impact. Secondly anyone not active on the forums isnt going to get the reference at all. Remember your audience. Finally the concept itself is fairly basic, and the wording "grizz" rather than "grizzly" also deducts points from the overall bar.

Phew lol

Holla!

[RULE]

@Nicholas

He's on the forums like "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" but every time this SHOOK KID ATTACKS He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!!


Overall this is a decent little jab. Firstly a minor gripe, you should keep an eye on punctuation: "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" ... "LOOK NICK, THAT'S WACK!"
The addition of the comma tells the reader where to pause, and makes the meaning of the sentence clear. Also the exclamation mark added to the end tells the reader that Row was making a statement. Thats wack, becomes: Thats wack!.

This next critque might sound funny but bare with me. Your multis in this bar were TOO rigid, its like you try too hard for every syllable to be identical and it makes the flow blocky. Another issue is when you try to use what i call a soft-syllable. Lemme try to explain:

LOOK NICK THATS WACK
SHOOK KID aTTACKS

Thats the way the words are sounded out, the "a" on ATTACKS is a soft sounded syllable which throws off the flow when reading it the way you structured the bar. "THATS" is a fairly long one syllable word, whereas "a" is very short. I know most people dont consider syllables to be different lengths but they can be and its minor issues like this that can throw the flow of a rhyme off.

As for the punchline: He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!! i have a few pointers.

Firstly the concept itself by its nature will reduce the amount of voters that will understand it. The insult is that he calls for GRizzEAT's support whenever he disses someone. Firstly the validity of the insult is questionable which affects the punches power. For example its like insulting the track quality of Real Talk. It might be a nice bar but when the truth of it isnt high then it affects the impact. Secondly anyone not active on the forums isnt going to get the reference at all. Remember your audience. Finally the concept itself is fairly basic, and the wording "grizz" rather than "grizzly" also deducts points from the overall bar.

Phew lol

Holla!

Originally Posted by RULE

@Nicholas

He's on the forums like "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" but every time this SHOOK KID ATTACKS He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!!


Overall this is a decent little jab. Firstly a minor gripe, you should keep an eye on punctuation: "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" ... "LOOK NICK, THAT'S WACK!"
The addition of the comma tells the reader where to pause, and makes the meaning of the sentence clear. Also the exclamation mark added to the end tells the reader that Row was making a statement. Thats wack, becomes: Thats wack!.

This next critque might sound funny but bare with me. Your multis in this bar were TOO rigid, its like you try too hard for every syllable to be identical and it makes the flow blocky. Another issue is when you try to use what i call a soft-syllable. Lemme try to explain:

LOOK NICK THATS WACK
SHOOK KID aTTACKS

Thats the way the words are sounded out, the "a" on ATTACKS is a soft sounded syllable which throws off the flow when reading it the way you structured the bar. "THATS" is a fairly long one syllable word, whereas "a" is very short. I know most people dont consider syllables to be different lengths but they can be and its minor issues like this that can throw the flow of a rhyme off.

As for the punchline: He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!! i have a few pointers.

Firstly the concept itself by its nature will reduce the amount of voters that will understand it. The insult is that he calls for GRizzEAT's support whenever he disses someone. Firstly the validity of the insult is questionable which affects the punches power. For example its like insulting the track quality of Real Talk. It might be a nice bar but when the truth of it isnt high then it affects the impact. Secondly anyone not active on the forums isnt going to get the reference at all. Remember your audience. Finally the concept itself is fairly basic, and the wording "grizz" rather than "grizzly" also deducts points from the overall bar.

Phew lol

Holla!

Very helpful as always Rule, noted.

Originally Posted by RULE

@Nicholas

He's on the forums like "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" but every time this SHOOK KID ATTACKS He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!!


Overall this is a decent little jab. Firstly a minor gripe, you should keep an eye on punctuation: "LOOK NICK THAT'S WACK" ... "LOOK NICK, THAT'S WACK!"
The addition of the comma tells the reader where to pause, and makes the meaning of the sentence clear. Also the exclamation mark added to the end tells the reader that Row was making a statement. Thats wack, becomes: Thats wack!.

This next critque might sound funny but bare with me. Your multis in this bar were TOO rigid, its like you try too hard for every syllable to be identical and it makes the flow blocky. Another issue is when you try to use what i call a soft-syllable. Lemme try to explain:

LOOK NICK THATS WACK
SHOOK KID aTTACKS

Thats the way the words are sounded out, the "a" on ATTACKS is a soft sounded syllable which throws off the flow when reading it the way you structured the bar. "THATS" is a fairly long one syllable word, whereas "a" is very short. I know most people dont consider syllables to be different lengths but they can be and its minor issues like this that can throw the flow of a rhyme off.

As for the punchline: He 'Signals For Grizz' Clearer than FOOTPRINTS & TRACKS!! i have a few pointers.

Firstly the concept itself by its nature will reduce the amount of voters that will understand it. The insult is that he calls for GRizzEAT's support whenever he disses someone. Firstly the validity of the insult is questionable which affects the punches power. For example its like insulting the track quality of Real Talk. It might be a nice bar but when the truth of it isnt high then it affects the impact. Secondly anyone not active on the forums isnt going to get the reference at all. Remember your audience. Finally the concept itself is fairly basic, and the wording "grizz" rather than "grizzly" also deducts points from the overall bar.

Phew lol

Holla!

Very helpful as always Rule, noted.

[SoupErb]

Look if you wanna SCRAP, My FIST'S LOCKED, you ain't HANDY KID STOP when I use these 'HANDS' Like 'TICK TOCK' it's 'time to de-face' this 'old timer'.. no ANTIQUE WRIST-WATCH!

[SoupErb]

Look if you wanna SCRAP, My FIST'S LOCKED, you ain't HANDY KID STOP when I use these 'HANDS' Like 'TICK TOCK' it's 'time to de-face' this 'old timer'.. no ANTIQUE WRIST-WATCH!

[SoupErb]

@RULE u takin a long time to type "flawless" bro ..

[SoupErb]

@RULE u takin a long time to type "flawless" bro ..