Letsbeef Topical Magazine: Issue #3

joseph, baby, sit down. i have to tell you something serious
but it’s very good news. you see i missed my monthly period
we’re blessed with a child. a joyous bundle but such a burden
that’s great news love but tell me..AREN'T YOU A FUCKING VIRGIN?
you cheating bitch! how could you do this? i fucking loved you
i’m killing you and the motherfucker who up and stuck you
calm down Joe, it’s not like that. i had a divine visitation
god in all his glory came down with a sublime invitation
first i was very hesitant but gradually he sucked me into it
jehovah knocked you up? girl, do i look fucking ignorant?
i was patient when you said we’d do it when the setting’s right
i didn’t flip when you wouldn’t let me hit it on our wedding night
let’s get it right. when it’s time to romance me you say it can’t be
but if our lord and creator feels randy, it’s off with the panties?
you can’t see this is a blessing? the first deity-mortal connection
the god i loved screwed my wife. please excuse the moral objection
don’t be sarcastic. the chance to raise the son of god’s fantastic
stop lying, you daft bitch. whoever did this is getting their ass kicked
can’t you get passed this? our child will signal a new beginning
a savior walking among men, healing the sick, removing sinning
an angel told me in nine months time, we should go to bethlehem
what? another dude up in my house! damn hoe, you slept with him?
nevermind. don’t want to know... fuck you and the rest of them
you need your head cracked with a lead bat, but i’d be arrested then
so i’m leaving without incidence and i’m keeping my mouth shut
i’m going walking and when i return you best be out the house, slut...

hurt and betrayed, Joseph wandered all night in disbelief
wondering how virtuous Mary could be all right with this deceit
to rest his feet, he settled down in a bar to drown his sorrows
wondering if he can forgive her when he returns to town tomorrow
he loves her but wouldn’t mind seeing her suffer and ending her life
the bartender, sensing his pain, tries to offer some friendly advice...

i don’t mean to butt in …but isn’t it too early to be here ‘rum’ing
don’t you see me bumming. no lectures, man, just keep em coming
i had a run in with my wife. she had an affair and now she’s carrying
my family and friends all told me to beware, she’s not worth marrying
i treated her well and remained faithful… i never yelled in abuse
said God impregnated her. ever considered she’s telling the truth
she’s young and confused. this situation’s not making sense to her
bet its them dudes always bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh
to her, i’m a lowly carpenter. never figured her for a gold digger
she was using me til she found someone whose money roll’s bigger
good riddance. listen, i think you should offer your forgiveness
Mary’s never lied to you and been supportive of your business
it’s not that simple. hold up.. how do you know my wife’s name?
let’s just say i’m an observer helping you all play life’s game
you’re a good man. in these times of darkness you chose the light *
raising a righteous son is when a good father shows his might
suppose you’re right. what could i teach this kid? nada. nothing
discipline? he’d be like “you ain’t my father. you God or something?”
just give him loving. teach him honor, respect and understanding
teach him compassion. Give him your time and patience undemanding
take him to manhood with wholesome ethics to make the best decisions
he’ll use the tools you taught him when he leaves on his destined mission
god wishing you be the father, proves to you he’s highly confident
you’ll instill the faith and work ethic needed for his rise to prominence
you’ll be instrumental in protection from those who wish to maim the fetus
you’ll be a great father. picked a name yet? yeah, i’ll name him Jesus...

Written by Howard Winter

I don’t want to call you guys losers, but if you had won your matches it could have been avoided.

Here are the names that were defeated in Round 2 of the Anonymous Topical Tournament.

Writer 21 (1st) / Writer 1 (2nd) – EXECUTE (Previously defeated Black Book)
Writer 19 (1st) / Writer 15 (2nd) – GrizzEAT* (Previously defeated Punk) (Battle of Round 1 Winner)
Writer 1 (1st) / Writer 14 (2nd) – Enfinite
Writer 30 (1st) / Writer 4 (2nd) – HVK
Writer 18 (1st) / Writer 5 (2nd) – IV* (Previously defeated Eye G)
Writer 12 (1st) / Writer 11 (2nd) – Agonize (Previously defeated Phenomonon)
Writer 17 (1st) / Writer 7 (2nd) – Anarchist* (Previously defeated Explizzitt)
Writer 4 (1st) / Writer 10 (2nd) – Iron Mike*
Writer 29 (1st) / Writer 8 (2nd) – UhMAZING (Previously defeated Dysfunctional)

*Lost Round 2 by No Show

joseph, baby, sit down. i have to tell you something serious
but it’s very good news. you see i missed my monthly period
we’re blessed with a child. a joyous bundle but such a burden
that’s great news love but tell me..AREN'T YOU A FUCKING VIRGIN?
you cheating bitch! how could you do this? i fucking loved you
i’m killing you and the motherfucker who up and stuck you
calm down Joe, it’s not like that. i had a divine visitation
god in all his glory came down with a sublime invitation
first i was very hesitant but gradually he sucked me into it
jehovah knocked you up? girl, do i look fucking ignorant?
i was patient when you said we’d do it when the setting’s right
i didn’t flip when you wouldn’t let me hit it on our wedding night
let’s get it right. when it’s time to romance me you say it can’t be
but if our lord and creator feels randy, it’s off with the panties?
you can’t see this is a blessing? the first deity-mortal connection
the god i loved screwed my wife. please excuse the moral objection
don’t be sarcastic. the chance to raise the son of god’s fantastic
stop lying, you daft bitch. whoever did this is getting their ass kicked
can’t you get passed this? our child will signal a new beginning
a savior walking among men, healing the sick, removing sinning
an angel told me in nine months time, we should go to bethlehem
what? another dude up in my house! damn hoe, you slept with him?
nevermind. don’t want to know... fuck you and the rest of them
you need your head cracked with a lead bat, but i’d be arrested then
so i’m leaving without incidence and i’m keeping my mouth shut
i’m going walking and when i return you best be out the house, slut...

hurt and betrayed, Joseph wandered all night in disbelief
wondering how virtuous Mary could be all right with this deceit
to rest his feet, he settled down in a bar to drown his sorrows
wondering if he can forgive her when he returns to town tomorrow
he loves her but wouldn’t mind seeing her suffer and ending her life
the bartender, sensing his pain, tries to offer some friendly advice...

i don’t mean to butt in …but isn’t it too early to be here ‘rum’ing
don’t you see me bumming. no lectures, man, just keep em coming
i had a run in with my wife. she had an affair and now she’s carrying
my family and friends all told me to beware, she’s not worth marrying
i treated her well and remained faithful… i never yelled in abuse
said God impregnated her. ever considered she’s telling the truth
she’s young and confused. this situation’s not making sense to her
bet its them dudes always bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh
to her, i’m a lowly carpenter. never figured her for a gold digger
she was using me til she found someone whose money roll’s bigger
good riddance. listen, i think you should offer your forgiveness
Mary’s never lied to you and been supportive of your business
it’s not that simple. hold up.. how do you know my wife’s name?
let’s just say i’m an observer helping you all play life’s game
you’re a good man. in these times of darkness you chose the light *
raising a righteous son is when a good father shows his might
suppose you’re right. what could i teach this kid? nada. nothing
discipline? he’d be like “you ain’t my father. you God or something?”
just give him loving. teach him honor, respect and understanding
teach him compassion. Give him your time and patience undemanding
take him to manhood with wholesome ethics to make the best decisions
he’ll use the tools you taught him when he leaves on his destined mission
god wishing you be the father, proves to you he’s highly confident
you’ll instill the faith and work ethic needed for his rise to prominence
you’ll be instrumental in protection from those who wish to maim the fetus
you’ll be a great father. picked a name yet? yeah, i’ll name him Jesus...

Written by Howard Winter

I don’t want to call you guys losers, but if you had won your matches it could have been avoided.

Here are the names that were defeated in Round 2 of the Anonymous Topical Tournament.

Writer 21 (1st) / Writer 1 (2nd) – EXECUTE (Previously defeated Black Book)
Writer 19 (1st) / Writer 15 (2nd) – GrizzEAT* (Previously defeated Punk) (Battle of Round 1 Winner)
Writer 1 (1st) / Writer 14 (2nd) – Enfinite
Writer 30 (1st) / Writer 4 (2nd) – HVK
Writer 18 (1st) / Writer 5 (2nd) – IV* (Previously defeated Eye G)
Writer 12 (1st) / Writer 11 (2nd) – Agonize (Previously defeated Phenomonon)
Writer 17 (1st) / Writer 7 (2nd) – Anarchist* (Previously defeated Explizzitt)
Writer 4 (1st) / Writer 10 (2nd) – Iron Mike*
Writer 29 (1st) / Writer 8 (2nd) – UhMAZING (Previously defeated Dysfunctional)

*Lost Round 2 by No Show