The First Paragraph Is Bullshit
Every Other One Thereafter Is Better
Also, Try To Make The Switch Between 3rd Person And 1st Person More Clear. We Dont Want To Hear You Talking About You WeeWees Just After You Asked Us How We Would Feel, Seeing Someone Die. Your Grammar Is Disgusting. The 4th Paragraph Is Too Condescing And High And Mighty. Make It Seem More Like You Are Just Discovering Smtn That The Reader Knew Along Time Ago, Not The Other Way Around. Also The Description In The 2nd Paragtraph Needs Alot Of Work. Don't Just Jump Into The Action From The Beginning But Rather Start Slowly And Once You Get Into It Do That Non Stop Slaughter Thingy Without Actually Using Any Fullstops (Rather Alot Of Commas, etc)
Basically, You Need To Completely Rewrite It
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Originally Posted by Student
Wait, how old are you? I feel uncomfortable being inside your head if you're a minor.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILLoKWENT
you still have to give someone the benefit of the doubt regardless of how obvious it looks
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Originally Posted by Edgeworth
Ok so at this point you guys are just being willfully ignorant / not understanding on purpose / or just trolling.
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"Little 4 To 5"? Need To Be "Hand Held"? My "Style" Is Modish Than Basic, I Kid, Joint Clips Follow My "Touch" Like "Co-vid" App Tracing - Lizman Vs MarkThePatriarch
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