Need feedback?.. Wanna train? I gotchu.

[Skizzo]

I said...

… We Seen so much “Water under your bridges” I was like…. How’s the “VIEW FROM THE HUDSON?... WE HEARD IT WAS NEAT”... So All those gunplay stories? We “Dont Believe You, Flat Out!”.... Muthafucka Ima Need some “PROOF WHEN DISCUSSIN THOSE SURFACE BELIEFS”! ... I’ll “Put The Heat To Ya Old Flame”... No “FUEL & COMBUSTION” - “THE FURNACE HAS PEAKED!”... Cause To “Top it Off? We Seen More Patch Ups”, Than A “ROOF IN CONSTRUCTION - WHEN WORKIN WITH LEAKS”.. So after this? It’ll even have “Usain, He’s Bound to Barrier!” No Athletic “MOVES WHEN HE JUMPS WITH A PERFECT TECHNIQUE”!!!//(6) … (You Sayin He’s Bound To Bury Her)


In this bar, I introduced the personal, and continued the theme of the personal by adding creative flips and punchlines throughout. All to do with the relative personal theme I was going with. Everything from the patch ups / water under the bridge concepts all relate to relationship problems.. My concepts stringed together to follow that theme to fit the personal angle I was going with at the time, and I created punchlines using those ideas while relating them altogether.


plus Ya entire GROUPS MADE OF FUCKWITS - NERDS AND SOME GEEKS.... More of a “LUDACRIS BUNCH” THAN DISTURBIN THE PEACE”.. We wouldnt see these “Kids Carrying A Full 9", In a “GROUP OF SUM SLUTS, OR SOME SURROGATE TEENS”.. “Bitch, I Got This In The Bag”, Like “POODLES IN CLUTCHES & PURSES TO SLEEP”... So tag ya friends, call ya Ex’s, Hell even Ya “First-Mate’ll See More Dead Men Walkin, On Deck”, Than the entire “CREW OF THE DUTCHMAN IN TURBULENT SEA’S”!!!//


In this bar, I started my opener about his entire "crew" of people. After opening with my thesis, I follow that with a concept flip, with a punchline reference about ludacris / disturbing the peace, which was also a crew. I continue that, with another concept about his overall crew, and follow that line up with yet another punchline reference, but also, that second to last line stands as a setup to me finishing the bar out with the closure.. Which also uses a "crew" concept. That finishing line closes out the bar concept, and all of the concepts relate to that "crew" themed punchline.


Another example of a fully proper themed line would be this..


See, he Thought “If Ikea Couple Setups? We’ll See His Downfall”... But Bitch You shoulda “KNEW THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE WORTHLESS & CHEAP”, Cause If I put these personals out?... We bout to have more “Cross Examining Going On” Than A “BUDDHIST & MONK, IN A CHURCH WITH A PRIEST” Wit a “PEW FULLA NUNS IN A SERVICE TO PREACH”... I mean, ya bitch? We wouldnt have seen a bigger “Under Cover Snake”, If “meDUSAS THE ONE THAT WAS PURCHASIN WEAVES”, Cause that “Public Affair Involves More Characters” Than the fucking “MOVEMENTS OF TRUMP WHEN HE WORDED HIS TWEETS”!!!//


Once again in that bar, I start off with the introduction thesis, which in this case I decided to make a combination of a simple oronym and mix it with a homonym, and then jumped immediately into the personal aspect. Not only did I bring up the personal though and reference what i was talking about.. But I also provided clever flips, humor, and a ten syllable multi to continue the theme, leading into the execution of the finishing punchline that closed that theme out.


Thats what 4 line structures look like. Hope it helps bro. @KG

---------- Post added at 05:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:09 PM ----------

@FreeK this thread aint about audio. I'll prolly make an audio / track feedback thread in the future, but for now im only doing text feedback. This is to work on writing techniques, audio is more about voice influction and emotion and separate things.. Its a whole nother thing my bro.

[Skizzo]

I said...

… We Seen so much “Water under your bridges” I was like…. How’s the “VIEW FROM THE HUDSON?... WE HEARD IT WAS NEAT”... So All those gunplay stories? We “Dont Believe You, Flat Out!”.... Muthafucka Ima Need some “PROOF WHEN DISCUSSIN THOSE SURFACE BELIEFS”! ... I’ll “Put The Heat To Ya Old Flame”... No “FUEL & COMBUSTION” - “THE FURNACE HAS PEAKED!”... Cause To “Top it Off? We Seen More Patch Ups”, Than A “ROOF IN CONSTRUCTION - WHEN WORKIN WITH LEAKS”.. So after this? It’ll even have “Usain, He’s Bound to Barrier!” No Athletic “MOVES WHEN HE JUMPS WITH A PERFECT TECHNIQUE”!!!//(6) … (You Sayin He’s Bound To Bury Her)


In this bar, I introduced the personal, and continued the theme of the personal by adding creative flips and punchlines throughout. All to do with the relative personal theme I was going with. Everything from the patch ups / water under the bridge concepts all relate to relationship problems.. My concepts stringed together to follow that theme to fit the personal angle I was going with at the time, and I created punchlines using those ideas while relating them altogether.


plus Ya entire GROUPS MADE OF FUCKWITS - NERDS AND SOME GEEKS.... More of a “LUDACRIS BUNCH” THAN DISTURBIN THE PEACE”.. We wouldnt see these “Kids Carrying A Full 9", In a “GROUP OF SUM SLUTS, OR SOME SURROGATE TEENS”.. “Bitch, I Got This In The Bag”, Like “POODLES IN CLUTCHES & PURSES TO SLEEP”... So tag ya friends, call ya Ex’s, Hell even Ya “First-Mate’ll See More Dead Men Walkin, On Deck”, Than the entire “CREW OF THE DUTCHMAN IN TURBULENT SEA’S”!!!//


In this bar, I started my opener about his entire "crew" of people. After opening with my thesis, I follow that with a concept flip, with a punchline reference about ludacris / disturbing the peace, which was also a crew. I continue that, with another concept about his overall crew, and follow that line up with yet another punchline reference, but also, that second to last line stands as a setup to me finishing the bar out with the closure.. Which also uses a "crew" concept. That finishing line closes out the bar concept, and all of the concepts relate to that "crew" themed punchline.


Another example of a fully proper themed line would be this..


See, he Thought “If Ikea Couple Setups? We’ll See His Downfall”... But Bitch You shoulda “KNEW THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE WORTHLESS & CHEAP”, Cause If I put these personals out?... We bout to have more “Cross Examining Going On” Than A “BUDDHIST & MONK, IN A CHURCH WITH A PRIEST” Wit a “PEW FULLA NUNS IN A SERVICE TO PREACH”... I mean, ya bitch? We wouldnt have seen a bigger “Under Cover Snake”, If “meDUSAS THE ONE THAT WAS PURCHASIN WEAVES”, Cause that “Public Affair Involves More Characters” Than the fucking “MOVEMENTS OF TRUMP WHEN HE WORDED HIS TWEETS”!!!//


Once again in that bar, I start off with the introduction thesis, which in this case I decided to make a combination of a simple oronym and mix it with a homonym, and then jumped immediately into the personal aspect. Not only did I bring up the personal though and reference what i was talking about.. But I also provided clever flips, humor, and a ten syllable multi to continue the theme, leading into the execution of the finishing punchline that closed that theme out.


Thats what 4 line structures look like. Hope it helps bro. @KG

---------- Post added at 05:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:09 PM ----------

@FreeK this thread aint about audio. I'll prolly make an audio / track feedback thread in the future, but for now im only doing text feedback. This is to work on writing techniques, audio is more about voice influction and emotion and separate things.. Its a whole nother thing my bro.