Feedback thread.

[Babylon]

Originally Posted by Sax0joE

A quick practice one...

im getting a 'big head' cos my name's gettin BIGGER I'll have this 'pig bled' when I pull on a TRIGGER...

One/two syllable multi's are far too basic to use against any formidable opponent, not to mention the lack of a punchline or wordplay. On the scale of multi's, which is what you've PM'd me about, this rhymed of course, but two syllable multi's are a bit too basic to use. The internal rhyme you had upped the complexity of the bar, but you should do something like:

im getting a 'big head' cos my NAMES GETTIN' BIGGER I'll have this 'pig bled' cus' this LAME BITCH IS BITTER so this 'kids dead' when I AIM WITH THE TRIGGER...

then you'd add a punchline or what-not but realistically you should start with a concept for your punchline first then build the rest of the bar off of that. Lets take a bar I just wrote for example. I thought of the punchline "you wouldn't have "lions" in your "circle" in a ROMAN ARENA (Gladiators used to fight lions in said arenas). Then I built this punchline based off of that:

I'm a CHAUVINIST REAPER with a mask on, HOLDIN' A HEATER & lettin' off shots til' I'm SOAKIN YA T-SHIRT, I'll place a knife to your throat and laugh as I POKE THE SHIT DEEPER, I'm a tyrant so all my dawgs loyal like GOLDEN RETRIEVERS, I'm God in the flesh so I don't have VOTERS & READERS, I'm MOLDIN' BELIEVERS when I'm HOLDIN' THIS CLEAVER because Cry's a dragon in the ring like LYOTO MACHIDA. Nationwide blackouts happen when I FLOW THROUGH YA SPEAKERS because you wouldn't have lions in your circle in ROMAN ARENAS!

So basically, if you start with the punchline first you could get the things you need to make a whole hard hitting bar off of it. Get back at me with some more stuff though mate.

---------- Post added at 04:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:36 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Punk

http://www.letsbeef.com/cypher_detai...on=tb&id=63817

Dope shit got slept on heavy.. If you don't mind, check out that cypher..

Writing it up now.

[Babylon]

Originally Posted by Sax0joE

A quick practice one...

im getting a 'big head' cos my name's gettin BIGGER I'll have this 'pig bled' when I pull on a TRIGGER...

One/two syllable multi's are far too basic to use against any formidable opponent, not to mention the lack of a punchline or wordplay. On the scale of multi's, which is what you've PM'd me about, this rhymed of course, but two syllable multi's are a bit too basic to use. The internal rhyme you had upped the complexity of the bar, but you should do something like:

im getting a 'big head' cos my NAMES GETTIN' BIGGER I'll have this 'pig bled' cus' this LAME BITCH IS BITTER so this 'kids dead' when I AIM WITH THE TRIGGER...

then you'd add a punchline or what-not but realistically you should start with a concept for your punchline first then build the rest of the bar off of that. Lets take a bar I just wrote for example. I thought of the punchline "you wouldn't have "lions" in your "circle" in a ROMAN ARENA (Gladiators used to fight lions in said arenas). Then I built this punchline based off of that:

I'm a CHAUVINIST REAPER with a mask on, HOLDIN' A HEATER & lettin' off shots til' I'm SOAKIN YA T-SHIRT, I'll place a knife to your throat and laugh as I POKE THE SHIT DEEPER, I'm a tyrant so all my dawgs loyal like GOLDEN RETRIEVERS, I'm God in the flesh so I don't have VOTERS & READERS, I'm MOLDIN' BELIEVERS when I'm HOLDIN' THIS CLEAVER because Cry's a dragon in the ring like LYOTO MACHIDA. Nationwide blackouts happen when I FLOW THROUGH YA SPEAKERS because you wouldn't have lions in your circle in ROMAN ARENAS!

So basically, if you start with the punchline first you could get the things you need to make a whole hard hitting bar off of it. Get back at me with some more stuff though mate.

---------- Post added at 04:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:36 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Punk

http://www.letsbeef.com/cypher_detai...on=tb&id=63817

Dope shit got slept on heavy.. If you don't mind, check out that cypher..

Writing it up now.