The Black Book vs. ViTRiOL

[Dono]

BB - Well organized. Easy to follow. Your story better be a giant metaphor about taking drugs. Assuming such is true, you had a few lines that really confused the shit out of me.

"People dropped hurt in the glee, blaming it on dirt & disease."
"From a dark, cold hole, a critter wakes."

In the future, if you're doing something like this, just try to make it totally clear in the reader's mind. Fuck the rhyme in the ass if you have to. I want perfect coherency so I don't have to say.....hmm was it about this? There was also a few places where wording sounded a bit forced. The underlying story wasn't particularly unique but the execution was powerful and creative, and that's all that really matters because it was easy to follow.

All in all though I felt like it really resonated with me pretty strongly, nice work. You've elevated quite a bit since I last read through.

Vitty: Your non conventional rhyme scheming was actually a really nice change of pace. It still flowed nicely. Imagery was really strong, I could envision the whole thing. The organization was nice and coherent. I think you could have really expanded the economics thing, especially since it's a topic people don't hit on too often.

I felt, however that you got stuck between a dream-like sequence and a metaphorical sequence so that I couldn't exactly tell which interpretation we were supposed to take. For me, that took away from the piece slightly. I feel like the ending could have been put together in a way that would have given it quite a bit more impact.

Strong opening for your first topical piece ever.

[Dono]

BB - Well organized. Easy to follow. Your story better be a giant metaphor about taking drugs. Assuming such is true, you had a few lines that really confused the shit out of me.

"People dropped hurt in the glee, blaming it on dirt & disease."
"From a dark, cold hole, a critter wakes."

In the future, if you're doing something like this, just try to make it totally clear in the reader's mind. Fuck the rhyme in the ass if you have to. I want perfect coherency so I don't have to say.....hmm was it about this? There was also a few places where wording sounded a bit forced. The underlying story wasn't particularly unique but the execution was powerful and creative, and that's all that really matters because it was easy to follow.

All in all though I felt like it really resonated with me pretty strongly, nice work. You've elevated quite a bit since I last read through.

Vitty: Your non conventional rhyme scheming was actually a really nice change of pace. It still flowed nicely. Imagery was really strong, I could envision the whole thing. The organization was nice and coherent. I think you could have really expanded the economics thing, especially since it's a topic people don't hit on too often.

I felt, however that you got stuck between a dream-like sequence and a metaphorical sequence so that I couldn't exactly tell which interpretation we were supposed to take. For me, that took away from the piece slightly. I feel like the ending could have been put together in a way that would have given it quite a bit more impact.

Strong opening for your first topical piece ever.