Considering doing some live battles, need help with image - Page 3 - Lets Beef

**Shodan** · #21 08-31-2015, 12:27 PM

@Lockhart Fair enough. The fact that almost every honest person with a clue accuses me of shit like bad wording, bad multies, bad execution, etc. is enough to convince me that it's there, but I can't see it no matter how hard I look. It all looks great to me. I suppose that I am getting so caught-up in my own brilliance that I can't see what anyone else does when I look at them.

If you would be so kind as to point out a particularly severe example (from a battle I actually tried in) and demonstrate to me what you didn't like about the wording in it, it would be greatly appreciated.

**Shodan** · 08-31-2015, 12:27 PM

@Lockhart Fair enough. The fact that almost every honest person with a clue accuses me of shit like bad wording, bad multies, bad execution, etc. is enough to convince me that it's there, but I can't see it no matter how hard I look. It all looks great to me. I suppose that I am getting so caught-up in my own brilliance that I can't see what anyone else does when I look at them.

If you would be so kind as to point out a particularly severe example (from a battle I actually tried in) and demonstrate to me what you didn't like about the wording in it, it would be greatly appreciated.

#22 08-31-2015, 12:50 PM

"Retard," I commit CRIMES, AND GET FAMOUS, the police can't get me inSIDE A CELL, THEY WILL hear I beat this "vegetable" GUY WITH TECS SPRAYIN' "Won't pick up that Potato-Battery-Charge" like SCIENCE FAIR FAILURES!

Ok, so it's fairly obvious you're trying to convey that your opponent is retarded, but I feel your wording left a lot to be desired. My main one that I feel you missed on was the idea of calling the guy a vegetable and a potato. For one, being called a vegetable doesn't necessarily convey that the person is retarded, it conveys more that they are incapacitated and are incapable of fending for themselves, but not that they are retarded. Also, calling him a potato doesn't make sense to me based off of the fact that I have never heard anyone be called that before to insinuate retardation. Nowhere will you hear anyone say "Yo, that guy is a straight potato!!" because nobody speaks like that, which causes your statements of saying that most live-battlers are stupid to be a self-defeating issue for you because no one will know what you are talking about.

the police can't get me inSIDE A CELL, THEY WILL hear I beat this "vegetable" GUY WITH TECS SPRAYIN' "Won't pick up that Potato-Battery-Charge" like SCIENCE FAIR FAILURES!

The bolded part is where I really saw your worst wording in your verse. You don't really have a transition from GUY WITH TECS SPRAYIN' to your punchline because your syntax is extremely choppy all because of this part: "Won't pick up that Potato-Battery-Charge" like SCIENCE FAIR FAILURES!

You don't have a transition word here to bring the two parts together, which makes you look foolish in the process. That last bar alone was enough to make my eye twitch just reading it.

There are other examples I could use, but I decided to use your most recent. I hope this helps you out some @Shodan.

08-31-2015, 12:50 PM

"Retard," I commit CRIMES, AND GET FAMOUS, the police can't get me inSIDE A CELL, THEY WILL hear I beat this "vegetable" GUY WITH TECS SPRAYIN' "Won't pick up that Potato-Battery-Charge" like SCIENCE FAIR FAILURES!

Ok, so it's fairly obvious you're trying to convey that your opponent is retarded, but I feel your wording left a lot to be desired. My main one that I feel you missed on was the idea of calling the guy a vegetable and a potato. For one, being called a vegetable doesn't necessarily convey that the person is retarded, it conveys more that they are incapacitated and are incapable of fending for themselves, but not that they are retarded. Also, calling him a potato doesn't make sense to me based off of the fact that I have never heard anyone be called that before to insinuate retardation. Nowhere will you hear anyone say "Yo, that guy is a straight potato!!" because nobody speaks like that, which causes your statements of saying that most live-battlers are stupid to be a self-defeating issue for you because no one will know what you are talking about.

the police can't get me inSIDE A CELL, THEY WILL hear I beat this "vegetable" GUY WITH TECS SPRAYIN' "Won't pick up that Potato-Battery-Charge" like SCIENCE FAIR FAILURES!

The bolded part is where I really saw your worst wording in your verse. You don't really have a transition from GUY WITH TECS SPRAYIN' to your punchline because your syntax is extremely choppy all because of this part: "Won't pick up that Potato-Battery-Charge" like SCIENCE FAIR FAILURES!

You don't have a transition word here to bring the two parts together, which makes you look foolish in the process. That last bar alone was enough to make my eye twitch just reading it.

There are other examples I could use, but I decided to use your most recent. I hope this helps you out some @Shodan.