Dissizit™ vs. Enfinite (Enfinite Wins)

[Black Book]

Topic



RULES

16-42 Lines.
Check in by Wednesday at midnight.
Verses dude Friday at midnight.
First to 5 votes/3-0 KO wins.
Educated votes with expos accepted only.

@Dissizit™ @blackouTT

Good luck.

[Black Book]

Topic



RULES

16-42 Lines.
Check in by Wednesday at midnight.
Verses dude Friday at midnight.
First to 5 votes/3-0 KO wins.
Educated votes with expos accepted only.

@Dissizit™ @blackouTT

Good luck.

Checkin in.

Checkin in.

[Phracture]

Credit Swipe ....

[Phracture]

Credit Swipe ....

"Forward Unto Dawn"
*Thunder Echoes in the distance, lighting lights up the night sky*
*The ocean is Illuminated, the only sight in miles is a long, stone, staircase*

It's dusk, cold, the wind begins to stir as Elise awakes from her slumber, She starts to shiver while gusts of wind blew under her to sweep the covers from her.
Shaking off the sleepiness, she looks around the room and the peers outside,
The Roaring thunder combined with striking lightning sent a chill down her spine
She whimpers, her lips quiver as she searches the house sluggishly, looking for her father.
She called for him, to no avail and headed outside, dipping her feet in the water.
Next to the stone steps, an Angelic figure descended, she gasped then prayed,
The Figure Exclaimed, "I am the Gatekeeper, these steps, why is it that you lay"?
She responds, "I was looking for my father, he promised we had to play".
"I'm sorry little girl, I fear that I have news that is grave"...
"You see your father was out fishing, when his boat crashed a wave"
"It thrashed and swayed, I'm sorry I have to say, but your father has passed away"
At that moment, her heart skipped two beats, and closed up from an open mood,
Tears flowed from her eyes, but when they hit the sea, it's as if the ocean moved.
Waves rose and tossed, as if the ocean had shared her pain,
She yelled and screamed, "Curse you sea"! But it wasn't all she had to say,
"I loved him so much, even on our baddest days"
"But why, oh why, why did you take my dad away"!?!?!?!
The Gatekeeper said in comfort, "Stay strong, don't let this mess with you",
"For your father is safe with God. With your mom up in Heaven too".
"Mr. Gatekeeper, when will I ever see my dad again"?
But that was a question he could not answer, his words were caught in his throat,
He tried to muster up the words to say, but it was apparent, he had choked.
The little girl just wallowed, while burying her face in the Keepers Knees,
Her words were drowned under her tears, she was barely able to speak,
All the Gatekeeper could make out was, "He isn't coming back.... Is he"?
He just nodded in approval, turned and began to ascend the steps,
She said "Now what do I do Mister, now that daddy's dead"?
He stopped in his tracks, started to turn his head.
He turned to face her, stood tall and made sure his back was straightened,
"All you can do now is begin to see life clearer, now that you have awakened".
At that moment, he snapped his fingers, the ocean began to roar,
The world began to violently spin, a gust of wind swept her off the floor!
She spun, twirled and screamed hysterically, piercing the air with sharpness,
The world was colored, but then sank from gray to black, and then to darkness.
Fear engulfed her being, she began to hear the voice of someone she knew
"Wake up baby, wake up, there's something we have to do"!
She opened her eyes, a figure stood in sight and let the light shine through.
It was dawn, warm, as Elise was awakened from her slumber,
She didn't shiver that morning, she began to remove her covers from her, The Gatekeeper just smiled down alongside the sun, the earth ceased to thunder.

"Forward Unto Dawn"
*Thunder Echoes in the distance, lighting lights up the night sky*
*The ocean is Illuminated, the only sight in miles is a long, stone, staircase*

It's dusk, cold, the wind begins to stir as Elise awakes from her slumber, She starts to shiver while gusts of wind blew under her to sweep the covers from her.
Shaking off the sleepiness, she looks around the room and the peers outside,
The Roaring thunder combined with striking lightning sent a chill down her spine
She whimpers, her lips quiver as she searches the house sluggishly, looking for her father.
She called for him, to no avail and headed outside, dipping her feet in the water.
Next to the stone steps, an Angelic figure descended, she gasped then prayed,
The Figure Exclaimed, "I am the Gatekeeper, these steps, why is it that you lay"?
She responds, "I was looking for my father, he promised we had to play".
"I'm sorry little girl, I fear that I have news that is grave"...
"You see your father was out fishing, when his boat crashed a wave"
"It thrashed and swayed, I'm sorry I have to say, but your father has passed away"
At that moment, her heart skipped two beats, and closed up from an open mood,
Tears flowed from her eyes, but when they hit the sea, it's as if the ocean moved.
Waves rose and tossed, as if the ocean had shared her pain,
She yelled and screamed, "Curse you sea"! But it wasn't all she had to say,
"I loved him so much, even on our baddest days"
"But why, oh why, why did you take my dad away"!?!?!?!
The Gatekeeper said in comfort, "Stay strong, don't let this mess with you",
"For your father is safe with God. With your mom up in Heaven too".
"Mr. Gatekeeper, when will I ever see my dad again"?
But that was a question he could not answer, his words were caught in his throat,
He tried to muster up the words to say, but it was apparent, he had choked.
The little girl just wallowed, while burying her face in the Keepers Knees,
Her words were drowned under her tears, she was barely able to speak,
All the Gatekeeper could make out was, "He isn't coming back.... Is he"?
He just nodded in approval, turned and began to ascend the steps,
She said "Now what do I do Mister, now that daddy's dead"?
He stopped in his tracks, started to turn his head.
He turned to face her, stood tall and made sure his back was straightened,
"All you can do now is begin to see life clearer, now that you have awakened".
At that moment, he snapped his fingers, the ocean began to roar,
The world began to violently spin, a gust of wind swept her off the floor!
She spun, twirled and screamed hysterically, piercing the air with sharpness,
The world was colored, but then sank from gray to black, and then to darkness.
Fear engulfed her being, she began to hear the voice of someone she knew
"Wake up baby, wake up, there's something we have to do"!
She opened her eyes, a figure stood in sight and let the light shine through.
It was dawn, warm, as Elise was awakened from her slumber,
She didn't shiver that morning, she began to remove her covers from her, The Gatekeeper just smiled down alongside the sun, the earth ceased to thunder.

[Phracture]

The New Mother Nature

the wind is cold as it's ever been
walking to a place where ive never been
nothing left but flowers that represents with in .
the pedals drop , i feel the wetness under my feet
sounds as if the clouds thunder my speech
another night reached , yet i can't emerge
seems like a life that can't seem worst
the perfect kiss to a wife , a certain switch in the life
drowning in my surrounding ... as i drift with the night
no turning around . peers forgotten
tears is dropping ? no i seem to have no
feels as if me the sky and the water was fused as one
so I can nurse the earth same as the past done
am I truly ready .... am I truly prepared
for what I was placed to do as a career with my peers
Ive been chosen to start the path of the fruitful world
a gift give of beauty .. to exile the cruelty
with one glimpse . Help to see the world in a different light
the gift of vision to overwelm all the distant sights .

[Phracture]

The New Mother Nature

the wind is cold as it's ever been
walking to a place where ive never been
nothing left but flowers that represents with in .
the pedals drop , i feel the wetness under my feet
sounds as if the clouds thunder my speech
another night reached , yet i can't emerge
seems like a life that can't seem worst
the perfect kiss to a wife , a certain switch in the life
drowning in my surrounding ... as i drift with the night
no turning around . peers forgotten
tears is dropping ? no i seem to have no
feels as if me the sky and the water was fused as one
so I can nurse the earth same as the past done
am I truly ready .... am I truly prepared
for what I was placed to do as a career with my peers
Ive been chosen to start the path of the fruitful world
a gift give of beauty .. to exile the cruelty
with one glimpse . Help to see the world in a different light
the gift of vision to overwelm all the distant sights .

[NOBLE]

Both did a good job in this one. I was really impressed. Slightly different angles to the story. I felt the angle blackouTT took put me more in the picture, so my vote goes to him.
Vote: blackouTT

[NOBLE]

Both did a good job in this one. I was really impressed. Slightly different angles to the story. I felt the angle blackouTT took put me more in the picture, so my vote goes to him.
Vote: blackouTT

[AfterThought]

I agree with NOBLE, this was impressive. After a few reads I have to go with blackouTT though, good stuff from both.

[AfterThought]

I agree with NOBLE, this was impressive. After a few reads I have to go with blackouTT though, good stuff from both.

[J u s T C]

Okay. Enfinite. I wasn't feeling some of your wording. Particularly from the Gate Keeper when taking to the young girl. It didn't sound very gate keeperish. little things like "don't let it MESS with you" felt out of place. It wasn't very empowering or epic, like the wording should have been, at least for me. Also the passed away scheme section stuck out because it took a rapid turn from a more natural organic conversation, to something more forced and artificial the way you suddenly upped the use of multi's. This benefits when it's at it's bare minimum. Some of the wording for the child I wasn't buying either tbh, but it was aight. I liked your other 1 better. Felt more natural and easier to buy into the way you executed it.

Dissizit. I don't know what to say really. Quality > Quantity always but you didn't really do anything to make that the case. Lacked direction, skittish and vauge. Felt like you were trying to paint a picture but it it all felt contrived and light. Wasn't really feeling it personally.

V/Enfinite because of the time and effort spent and more importantly, I got something out of it, where as I got nothing from Diss. No hate I'm just calling it how I see it. Keep it up though.

[J u s T C]

Okay. Enfinite. I wasn't feeling some of your wording. Particularly from the Gate Keeper when taking to the young girl. It didn't sound very gate keeperish. little things like "don't let it MESS with you" felt out of place. It wasn't very empowering or epic, like the wording should have been, at least for me. Also the passed away scheme section stuck out because it took a rapid turn from a more natural organic conversation, to something more forced and artificial the way you suddenly upped the use of multi's. This benefits when it's at it's bare minimum. Some of the wording for the child I wasn't buying either tbh, but it was aight. I liked your other 1 better. Felt more natural and easier to buy into the way you executed it.

Dissizit. I don't know what to say really. Quality > Quantity always but you didn't really do anything to make that the case. Lacked direction, skittish and vauge. Felt like you were trying to paint a picture but it it all felt contrived and light. Wasn't really feeling it personally.

V/Enfinite because of the time and effort spent and more importantly, I got something out of it, where as I got nothing from Diss. No hate I'm just calling it how I see it. Keep it up though.