2013 GC RD.4 ELOH_STACKz Vs. M U G G Z (M U G G Z wins 3-0)

ELOH_STACKz Vs M U G G Z

This topical is part of the 2013 Topical Grand Championship

Rules
Verses are due Sunday, January 5th 2014.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 40-50 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic

ELOH_STACKz Vs M U G G Z

This topical is part of the 2013 Topical Grand Championship

Rules
Verses are due Sunday, January 5th 2014.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 40-50 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic

[Joe MuGGz]

wooorrrdd

[Joe MuGGz]

wooorrrdd

[Joe MuGGz]

Topical GC Rd 4: "Will To Fight"

Year 2034..


“What!? He done it again?” The King was pissed! “When will his negligence come to an end!?” I hate having to be the one to break the news, but General Kon hasnt been asking for permission before making moves.. Countless times killing is what he meets with open doors.. Countless times his actions has provoked a war.. This, the King takes as total disrespect. Ever since Kon freed us from danger, its been a total disconnect. Me and the other cadets strive to be just a little like Kon.. He’s a hero.. Only the King dared n tried belittling Kon.. He is a warrior.. His approach was bold and hateful.. cold and painful.. but the world as a whole was grateful.. Cus when the Kleeptons got ran off of Earth, it was Kon.. Who put every foe of Earth in the dirt.. it was Kon.. Back in 2021 the last General gave him the tourch.. Right when other planets got caught in Earths gravitational force.. He needs no family.. He doesnt know me but, in war, still would stand with me.. His strike is very damaging.. He conquered every planet that posed threats single handedly.. He was handsome, strong, and loved to kill too.. He didnt respect a King who wasnt on the battlefield too.. Every room he walks in, the crowd crashes to cheers.. As far as Kon was concerned, the Kings opinion hadnt mattered for yrs. He had everyones attention, the Kings and even the Queens.. She felt royalty is strong and stern, not weak like the King.. She is the Kings most valued treasure.. Shes a child and pressured.. Much younger than the King, who no longer valued pleasure.. She would stare at Kon, lusting, sniffing his scent.. One night she decided to sneak off and visit his tent.. When she arrived there, he wasnt receptive, he said this is foolish and even though the thrown is weak, he still respects it. He said her action was reckless.. and to be the King he would have to be selected.. but his first love is keeping whats left of Earth well protected.. The queen felt embarrassed, enraged, jealous n stranded.. So she yelled rape and ordered the guards to take Kon to Xen, Earths prison, a descelent planet.. Kon was stripped of everything, put on Xen for life with no trial.. It’s like he never existed since he had no wife.. no child.. I heard childhood stories of how Kon stranded on Xen, and giving us cadets strength to fight and manage to win.. Some say the King was such a big asshole, that instead of Xen, he sent Kon into a blackhole.. Removed all of Kons things from the castle, burned his cottage, so loudly his laugh flowed.. We will never know for sure, but I know he was the greatest.. I like to look up to the sky and ask him to teach me patients.. Give me his strength.. give me his will.. give me his honor.. give me his skill.. When the new cadets talk about him, I make sure it’s with respect.. I teach them his ways, and take my honor to my death.. I know he’s looking down from Xen, his star still is bright.. He was stripped of everything.. except his will to fight..



Gluck Yo..

[Joe MuGGz]

Topical GC Rd 4: "Will To Fight"

Year 2034..


“What!? He done it again?” The King was pissed! “When will his negligence come to an end!?” I hate having to be the one to break the news, but General Kon hasnt been asking for permission before making moves.. Countless times killing is what he meets with open doors.. Countless times his actions has provoked a war.. This, the King takes as total disrespect. Ever since Kon freed us from danger, its been a total disconnect. Me and the other cadets strive to be just a little like Kon.. He’s a hero.. Only the King dared n tried belittling Kon.. He is a warrior.. His approach was bold and hateful.. cold and painful.. but the world as a whole was grateful.. Cus when the Kleeptons got ran off of Earth, it was Kon.. Who put every foe of Earth in the dirt.. it was Kon.. Back in 2021 the last General gave him the tourch.. Right when other planets got caught in Earths gravitational force.. He needs no family.. He doesnt know me but, in war, still would stand with me.. His strike is very damaging.. He conquered every planet that posed threats single handedly.. He was handsome, strong, and loved to kill too.. He didnt respect a King who wasnt on the battlefield too.. Every room he walks in, the crowd crashes to cheers.. As far as Kon was concerned, the Kings opinion hadnt mattered for yrs. He had everyones attention, the Kings and even the Queens.. She felt royalty is strong and stern, not weak like the King.. She is the Kings most valued treasure.. Shes a child and pressured.. Much younger than the King, who no longer valued pleasure.. She would stare at Kon, lusting, sniffing his scent.. One night she decided to sneak off and visit his tent.. When she arrived there, he wasnt receptive, he said this is foolish and even though the thrown is weak, he still respects it. He said her action was reckless.. and to be the King he would have to be selected.. but his first love is keeping whats left of Earth well protected.. The queen felt embarrassed, enraged, jealous n stranded.. So she yelled rape and ordered the guards to take Kon to Xen, Earths prison, a descelent planet.. Kon was stripped of everything, put on Xen for life with no trial.. It’s like he never existed since he had no wife.. no child.. I heard childhood stories of how Kon stranded on Xen, and giving us cadets strength to fight and manage to win.. Some say the King was such a big asshole, that instead of Xen, he sent Kon into a blackhole.. Removed all of Kons things from the castle, burned his cottage, so loudly his laugh flowed.. We will never know for sure, but I know he was the greatest.. I like to look up to the sky and ask him to teach me patients.. Give me his strength.. give me his will.. give me his honor.. give me his skill.. When the new cadets talk about him, I make sure it’s with respect.. I teach them his ways, and take my honor to my death.. I know he’s looking down from Xen, his star still is bright.. He was stripped of everything.. except his will to fight..



Gluck Yo..

[ELOH STACKz]

Royce was a God amongst men, or SO WE THOUGHT/
An army of civilians that believed in his every word & SO WE FOUGHT/
The troops never missed a beat, never SLOWLY WALK/
Just keep marching to the drums that our SOLDIERS BROUGHT/
This was a battle to the death, in the depths of HELL ON EARTH/
As Alien species reign down to lay claim on what humans had put a SHELL ON FIRST/
There's noway Royce would stand to lose an inch, let alone SELL OUR TURF/
Because we were given unalienable rights from God, since when? WELL... OUR BIRTH/
So we took it like a badge of honor to DIE AS A MARTYR/
Cuz we were created in Gods likeness, under watchful EYE OF THE FATHER/
We were tired, we were hungry & still TRIED TO GO FARTHER/
Because our window of opportunity was closing & there was no TIME WE COULD BARTER/
You see, we had the element of surprise STUFFED IN OUR BACK POCKET/
Plan was to corner them by the mountain, Royce out front BLUFFING WITH THAT ROCKET/
To steal their attention & start BREACHING THE LINE/
While ours troops readied their bow 'n arrows, waiting to SNEAK IN BEHIND/
& when Royce raised his staph, that was the SIGN TO ATTACK/
The enemy with reckless abandon until no Alien SPINE WAS INTACT/
They overlooked us as a species, figured we'd see defeat but we're BLIND TO THE FACT/
Cuz fighting for your existence really enhancing your TIME TO REACT/
No guts, no glory as blood puddles SOAK IN THE DIRT/
The Aliens weren't ready for war, Royce swung that CLOAK ON HIS SHIRT/
& led the army's last charge up the hill like GENERAL CUSTARD/
It's funny how quickly those Green Aliens turned YELLOW AS MUSTARD/
Some of them burned up into ashes, SOME OF THEM FLEW/
Away in retreat, defeat was something NONE OF THEM KNEW/
Humanity was been saved by a man who had SUMMONED A FEW/
That's when Royce removed his hoody & everybody saw, he was ONE OF THEM TOO/
A shock wave rippled throughout the camp, all the SOLDIERS IN AWE/
One of them screamed out "Royce, how come you never TOLD US BEFORE?"/
"Because I needed you to love me, as ONE OF YOUR OWN/
& together defeat to the demons that just COME FOR YOUR HOME"/
Another man asks "so why'd you take our side & BETRAY YOUR PEOPLE?"/
"Because I believe in your species & think we're all CREATED EQUAL"/
Then I chimed in like "now what Royce? What will you SAY, WHAT WILL YOU DO?"/
He looked at his brothers fleeing over the horizon, turned to me with a smile & said "I guess I'm STAYING WITH YOU/
So fill this glass up with wine & send an a Earth bitch, MAKE IT TWO/
Then blast that Murda Muzik, bet this is the last time Extra Terrestrials try & PLAY WITH MY CREW/

[ELOH STACKz]

Royce was a God amongst men, or SO WE THOUGHT/
An army of civilians that believed in his every word & SO WE FOUGHT/
The troops never missed a beat, never SLOWLY WALK/
Just keep marching to the drums that our SOLDIERS BROUGHT/
This was a battle to the death, in the depths of HELL ON EARTH/
As Alien species reign down to lay claim on what humans had put a SHELL ON FIRST/
There's noway Royce would stand to lose an inch, let alone SELL OUR TURF/
Because we were given unalienable rights from God, since when? WELL... OUR BIRTH/
So we took it like a badge of honor to DIE AS A MARTYR/
Cuz we were created in Gods likeness, under watchful EYE OF THE FATHER/
We were tired, we were hungry & still TRIED TO GO FARTHER/
Because our window of opportunity was closing & there was no TIME WE COULD BARTER/
You see, we had the element of surprise STUFFED IN OUR BACK POCKET/
Plan was to corner them by the mountain, Royce out front BLUFFING WITH THAT ROCKET/
To steal their attention & start BREACHING THE LINE/
While ours troops readied their bow 'n arrows, waiting to SNEAK IN BEHIND/
& when Royce raised his staph, that was the SIGN TO ATTACK/
The enemy with reckless abandon until no Alien SPINE WAS INTACT/
They overlooked us as a species, figured we'd see defeat but we're BLIND TO THE FACT/
Cuz fighting for your existence really enhancing your TIME TO REACT/
No guts, no glory as blood puddles SOAK IN THE DIRT/
The Aliens weren't ready for war, Royce swung that CLOAK ON HIS SHIRT/
& led the army's last charge up the hill like GENERAL CUSTARD/
It's funny how quickly those Green Aliens turned YELLOW AS MUSTARD/
Some of them burned up into ashes, SOME OF THEM FLEW/
Away in retreat, defeat was something NONE OF THEM KNEW/
Humanity was been saved by a man who had SUMMONED A FEW/
That's when Royce removed his hoody & everybody saw, he was ONE OF THEM TOO/
A shock wave rippled throughout the camp, all the SOLDIERS IN AWE/
One of them screamed out "Royce, how come you never TOLD US BEFORE?"/
"Because I needed you to love me, as ONE OF YOUR OWN/
& together defeat to the demons that just COME FOR YOUR HOME"/
Another man asks "so why'd you take our side & BETRAY YOUR PEOPLE?"/
"Because I believe in your species & think we're all CREATED EQUAL"/
Then I chimed in like "now what Royce? What will you SAY, WHAT WILL YOU DO?"/
He looked at his brothers fleeing over the horizon, turned to me with a smile & said "I guess I'm STAYING WITH YOU/
So fill this glass up with wine & send an a Earth bitch, MAKE IT TWO/
Then blast that Murda Muzik, bet this is the last time Extra Terrestrials try & PLAY WITH MY CREW/

[RULE]

Very close one here.

I'll do the feedback combined since you both had such similar drops. The things that stuck out to me were these (random thoughts but bare with me). Muggz i felt the vocab was a lil... not basic but repetitive. King, Kon, you said it soo often it started to ache on me. There are always ways to let the reader know who you are talking about without using the name everytime. You could of said "His Highness" instead of King you feel me? Its just adds a level of freshness to the piece. Felt your plot twist was nice but came a little later on the verse than i would of liked, i think if it had happened earlier you would of had more potent material to draw from for the final third of the verse. Elohyour story was similar and both had me from the start, bt i felt some of your wording was forced... (since when? WELL... OUR BIRTH/) that multi set alone looked really forced to fit the scheme, and another critque would be that your verse was structured more like a battle than a topical. You also had a twist in the final third which was nice but like Muggz was a little too late to really make the most of the plot you'd created. People almost seem like they HAVE to have a last minute plot twist when writing a topical, sometimes your better going for plot evolution rather than a cheap "surprise" twist. Anyyyywhoo both were solid here but i felt ones verse was slightly stronger and more enjoyable as a whole.

MVGT: Muggz.

1/

[RULE]

Very close one here.

I'll do the feedback combined since you both had such similar drops. The things that stuck out to me were these (random thoughts but bare with me). Muggz i felt the vocab was a lil... not basic but repetitive. King, Kon, you said it soo often it started to ache on me. There are always ways to let the reader know who you are talking about without using the name everytime. You could of said "His Highness" instead of King you feel me? Its just adds a level of freshness to the piece. Felt your plot twist was nice but came a little later on the verse than i would of liked, i think if it had happened earlier you would of had more potent material to draw from for the final third of the verse. Elohyour story was similar and both had me from the start, bt i felt some of your wording was forced... (since when? WELL... OUR BIRTH/) that multi set alone looked really forced to fit the scheme, and another critque would be that your verse was structured more like a battle than a topical. You also had a twist in the final third which was nice but like Muggz was a little too late to really make the most of the plot you'd created. People almost seem like they HAVE to have a last minute plot twist when writing a topical, sometimes your better going for plot evolution rather than a cheap "surprise" twist. Anyyyywhoo both were solid here but i felt ones verse was slightly stronger and more enjoyable as a whole.

MVGT: Muggz.

1/

[Wonderbred]

I wasn't gonna vote on this since they're both in MM, but since @Lockhart said it was okay and we need to get this tournament going, I'm gonna go ahead and drop one. I'm not biased since they're in the same crew anyway.

M U G G Z: First of all, this was pretty hard to read because of the format. Like, it was a good verse, but when you make it a wall of text it's harder for people to feel your flow. Other than that, it was really imaginative, which got you some points in my book. I agree with RULE in that your vocabulary was repetitive at times, but it didn't detract too much in my opinion. I really liked the perspective, it was pretty original how you were telling a story from a third person narrator who wasn't omnipotent. It gave it a really mythical quality, like a folk tale almost. I would say 85-90% of your multis connected, although there were a few I didn't really feel ("still is bright" and "will to fight" just sounded kind of awkward, especially with the wording in the former). Overall, good drop, but if you touched it up grammatically and visually it would really be top-tier.

ELOH_STACKS: Pretty good story, you also came up with a pretty original take, and I liked the twist at the end. Most of your multis were pretty good except for a few (GENERAL CUSTARD and YELLOW AS MUSTARD didn't really connect, and it's General Custer btw. Also the last four lines were pretty choppy), so the piece flowed pretty well. I'd actually say it had the better flow of the two. The twist was nice, but I'm not really sure about the ending. It seemed kind of gimmicky. The piece also seemed kind of short. Even though the line count was fine, it just didn't really have as much substance as MUGGZ's verse.

Overall, really close battle and dope drops by both of you guys, but in the end I'm going with the piece I thought was more original and had a more in-depth story.
MVGT: @M U G G Z

[Wonderbred]

I wasn't gonna vote on this since they're both in MM, but since @Lockhart said it was okay and we need to get this tournament going, I'm gonna go ahead and drop one. I'm not biased since they're in the same crew anyway.

M U G G Z: First of all, this was pretty hard to read because of the format. Like, it was a good verse, but when you make it a wall of text it's harder for people to feel your flow. Other than that, it was really imaginative, which got you some points in my book. I agree with RULE in that your vocabulary was repetitive at times, but it didn't detract too much in my opinion. I really liked the perspective, it was pretty original how you were telling a story from a third person narrator who wasn't omnipotent. It gave it a really mythical quality, like a folk tale almost. I would say 85-90% of your multis connected, although there were a few I didn't really feel ("still is bright" and "will to fight" just sounded kind of awkward, especially with the wording in the former). Overall, good drop, but if you touched it up grammatically and visually it would really be top-tier.

ELOH_STACKS: Pretty good story, you also came up with a pretty original take, and I liked the twist at the end. Most of your multis were pretty good except for a few (GENERAL CUSTARD and YELLOW AS MUSTARD didn't really connect, and it's General Custer btw. Also the last four lines were pretty choppy), so the piece flowed pretty well. I'd actually say it had the better flow of the two. The twist was nice, but I'm not really sure about the ending. It seemed kind of gimmicky. The piece also seemed kind of short. Even though the line count was fine, it just didn't really have as much substance as MUGGZ's verse.

Overall, really close battle and dope drops by both of you guys, but in the end I'm going with the piece I thought was more original and had a more in-depth story.
MVGT: @M U G G Z

Overall, this was a close battle. Both stories were good, I just felt there was a lot of structural issues with both pieces. Muggz mainly having his piece bunched up, its better to space the lines out so it flows easier. When I say flow, I mean it inherently becomes choppy when bunched up in a paragraph like that. Wheres Eloh had more rhyming issues that actual structure issues. You guys took a very similar approach in terms of story progression and vocab was so-so on both ends. One just overall came more crisp.

MVGT: Muggz

Overall, this was a close battle. Both stories were good, I just felt there was a lot of structural issues with both pieces. Muggz mainly having his piece bunched up, its better to space the lines out so it flows easier. When I say flow, I mean it inherently becomes choppy when bunched up in a paragraph like that. Wheres Eloh had more rhyming issues that actual structure issues. You guys took a very similar approach in terms of story progression and vocab was so-so on both ends. One just overall came more crisp.

MVGT: Muggz

Upping for formatting.

Upping for formatting.

[RULE]

counted

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[RULE]

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tbm