ATT 2018 ROUND 2: Writer 6 vs Writer 11 [Writer 6 wins via no-show]

[NOBLE]

Writer 6 vs. Writer 11

Rules
Verses are due by Sunday, February 25th at 11:59 PM Eastern (GMT-5).
Verses must be sent to NOBLE via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers will be changed every round.
Check your PM to find out which number you are for the round.

Topic

[NOBLE]

Writer 6 vs. Writer 11

Rules
Verses are due by Sunday, February 25th at 11:59 PM Eastern (GMT-5).
Verses must be sent to NOBLE via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers will be changed every round.
Check your PM to find out which number you are for the round.

Topic

[NOBLE]

Writer 6

Zack was walking home and he was fed up of getting told;
His co-worker, Elain, and her extraterrestrials -
She gave him a discourse explaining why she had faith,
But he laughed hysterically and said she's high and half-baked.
He was almost home until a beacon hit him, grabbed him with power,
And Zack was blinded until he found himself strapped to a counter..

There were 4 beings, and each and every face was synonymous,
With a vast forehead, along with grayness in all the skin.
Their eyes never-blinking, ever spacious and ominous
Weird jargon; he couldn’t fathom their statements with cognizance
Their appendages were as scaly as lots of fish
And a red glare was emitted from the laser he saw them grip.
Zack didn't think he'd die here, he was patient and positive
But when he saw the light was aimed at his brain he acknowledged it.
Got enraged with his pompousness; saliva shaped into wads of spit
And as he hit them with it, he was ready to embrace the necropolis...
..But their flesh sizzled as it seared; the spit was taking its dominance.
The beings yelled in agony as if the pain wasn't obvious.
Zack realized he was free from the restraint and went off to sprint
Looking forward and not back, to get away from the consequence.
Then an orifice caught his foot, fell and escaped from a rocketship
And from the impact of the drop came a state of unconsciousness…..

He woke up unsteadily in the same place; battered and sore.
Elain quickly came to mind, then he was packed with remorse
And a yearning to apologize and say she has his support
So he went to her abode but no one answered the door....


So he turned his back and left, then withdrew his own confession
But unbeknownst to Zack, there was a truth with no attention..
Elain’s an anagram.. and he was too engrossed to stresses
To notice that, in her backyard, a U.F.O ascended...

[NOBLE]

Writer 6

Zack was walking home and he was fed up of getting told;
His co-worker, Elain, and her extraterrestrials -
She gave him a discourse explaining why she had faith,
But he laughed hysterically and said she's high and half-baked.
He was almost home until a beacon hit him, grabbed him with power,
And Zack was blinded until he found himself strapped to a counter..

There were 4 beings, and each and every face was synonymous,
With a vast forehead, along with grayness in all the skin.
Their eyes never-blinking, ever spacious and ominous
Weird jargon; he couldn’t fathom their statements with cognizance
Their appendages were as scaly as lots of fish
And a red glare was emitted from the laser he saw them grip.
Zack didn't think he'd die here, he was patient and positive
But when he saw the light was aimed at his brain he acknowledged it.
Got enraged with his pompousness; saliva shaped into wads of spit
And as he hit them with it, he was ready to embrace the necropolis...
..But their flesh sizzled as it seared; the spit was taking its dominance.
The beings yelled in agony as if the pain wasn't obvious.
Zack realized he was free from the restraint and went off to sprint
Looking forward and not back, to get away from the consequence.
Then an orifice caught his foot, fell and escaped from a rocketship
And from the impact of the drop came a state of unconsciousness…..

He woke up unsteadily in the same place; battered and sore.
Elain quickly came to mind, then he was packed with remorse
And a yearning to apologize and say she has his support
So he went to her abode but no one answered the door....


So he turned his back and left, then withdrew his own confession
But unbeknownst to Zack, there was a truth with no attention..
Elain’s an anagram.. and he was too engrossed to stresses
To notice that, in her backyard, a U.F.O ascended...

[NOBLE]

Writer 11 did not submit an entry by the deadline and is thus disqualified. Writer 6 wins automatically. I'm leaving this as "open for votes" so he can receive feedback since he worked and put in some effort to craft this verse. So please leave feedback/critique. I will come back and drop my own soon.

[NOBLE]

Writer 11 did not submit an entry by the deadline and is thus disqualified. Writer 6 wins automatically. I'm leaving this as "open for votes" so he can receive feedback since he worked and put in some effort to craft this verse. So please leave feedback/critique. I will come back and drop my own soon.

[Shodan]

Bwahaha nice anagram bud. I should've caught that before you pointed it out.

Overall, a dope piece. There wasn't much to be said about your take on the concept, which was fairly obvious, but the execution was insane. The long one-scheme stanza was just nuts, even though some awkward phrasings leaked in, e.g. "enraged with his pompousness" - why would he be enraged with his pompousness, of all things? It also flowed decently throughout, but not buttery-smoothly.

I'd give it an 8.5/10.

[Shodan]

Bwahaha nice anagram bud. I should've caught that before you pointed it out.

Overall, a dope piece. There wasn't much to be said about your take on the concept, which was fairly obvious, but the execution was insane. The long one-scheme stanza was just nuts, even though some awkward phrasings leaked in, e.g. "enraged with his pompousness" - why would he be enraged with his pompousness, of all things? It also flowed decently throughout, but not buttery-smoothly.

I'd give it an 8.5/10.

Predictable route to take, but I don't see any other way. Thought the vocab and flow was on point throughout. Seemed kind of fast paced but I understand given the line limit

Predictable route to take, but I don't see any other way. Thought the vocab and flow was on point throughout. Seemed kind of fast paced but I understand given the line limit

[The Ghost of Freak]

I feel this was pretty solid. As others have stated the narrative went in a fairly predictable direction, but not in a bad way. Well executed and fairly clever. My only suggestion would be to possibly play with the formatting. I see you broke the piece up by rhyme schemes a bit, but maybe add some internal single line breaks and separate the current sections with double line breaks for more readability? (See my attempt below) I dunno, maybe the italics through the whole piece threw me off a bit as well. I know it sounds silly, but formatting definitely has a subtle effect. Good stuff.

Originally Posted by NOBLE

Writer 6

Zack was walking home and he was fed up of getting told;
His co-worker, Elain, and her extraterrestrials -
She gave him a discourse explaining why she had faith,
But he laughed hysterically and said she's high and half-baked.

He was almost home until a beacon hit him, grabbed him with power,
And Zack was blinded until he found himself strapped to a counter..


There were 4 beings, and each and every face was synonymous,
With a vast forehead, along with grayness in all the skin.
Their eyes never-blinking, ever spacious and ominous
Weird jargon; he couldn’t fathom their statements with cognizance
Their appendages were as scaly as lots of fish
And a red glare was emitted from the laser he saw them grip.

Zack didn't think he'd die here, he was patient and positive
But when he saw the light was aimed at his brain he acknowledged it.
Got enraged with his pompousness; saliva shaped into wads of spit
And as he hit them with it, he was ready to embrace the necropolis...

..But their flesh sizzled as it seared; the spit was taking its dominance.
The beings yelled in agony as if the pain wasn't obvious.
Zack realized he was free from the restraint and went off to sprint
Looking forward and not back, to get away from the consequence.

Then an orifice caught his foot, fell and escaped from a rocketship
And from the impact of the drop came a state of unconsciousness…..


He woke up unsteadily in the same place; battered and sore.
Elain quickly came to mind, then he was packed with remorse

And a yearning to apologize and say she has his support
So he went to her abode but no one answered the door....


So he turned his back and left, then withdrew his own confession
But unbeknownst to Zack, there was a truth with no attention..
Elain’s an anagram.. and he was too engrossed to stresses
To notice that, in her backyard, a U.F.O ascended...

[The Ghost of Freak]

I feel this was pretty solid. As others have stated the narrative went in a fairly predictable direction, but not in a bad way. Well executed and fairly clever. My only suggestion would be to possibly play with the formatting. I see you broke the piece up by rhyme schemes a bit, but maybe add some internal single line breaks and separate the current sections with double line breaks for more readability? (See my attempt below) I dunno, maybe the italics through the whole piece threw me off a bit as well. I know it sounds silly, but formatting definitely has a subtle effect. Good stuff.

Originally Posted by NOBLE

Writer 6

Zack was walking home and he was fed up of getting told;
His co-worker, Elain, and her extraterrestrials -
She gave him a discourse explaining why she had faith,
But he laughed hysterically and said she's high and half-baked.

He was almost home until a beacon hit him, grabbed him with power,
And Zack was blinded until he found himself strapped to a counter..


There were 4 beings, and each and every face was synonymous,
With a vast forehead, along with grayness in all the skin.
Their eyes never-blinking, ever spacious and ominous
Weird jargon; he couldn’t fathom their statements with cognizance
Their appendages were as scaly as lots of fish
And a red glare was emitted from the laser he saw them grip.

Zack didn't think he'd die here, he was patient and positive
But when he saw the light was aimed at his brain he acknowledged it.
Got enraged with his pompousness; saliva shaped into wads of spit
And as he hit them with it, he was ready to embrace the necropolis...

..But their flesh sizzled as it seared; the spit was taking its dominance.
The beings yelled in agony as if the pain wasn't obvious.
Zack realized he was free from the restraint and went off to sprint
Looking forward and not back, to get away from the consequence.

Then an orifice caught his foot, fell and escaped from a rocketship
And from the impact of the drop came a state of unconsciousness…..


He woke up unsteadily in the same place; battered and sore.
Elain quickly came to mind, then he was packed with remorse

And a yearning to apologize and say she has his support
So he went to her abode but no one answered the door....


So he turned his back and left, then withdrew his own confession
But unbeknownst to Zack, there was a truth with no attention..
Elain’s an anagram.. and he was too engrossed to stresses
To notice that, in her backyard, a U.F.O ascended...