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02-15-2018, 03:25 AM
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,096
Mentioned: 3622 Post(s)
Tagged: 76 Thread(s)
Ranked Audio Record 4 Won / 0 Lost
Ranked Text Record 30 Won / 8 Lost
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ATT 2018 ROUND 2: Writer 2 vs Writer 3 [Writer 2 wins via no-show]
Writer 2 vs. Writer 3
Rules
Verses are due by Sunday, February 25th at 11:59 PM Eastern (GMT-5).
Verses must be sent to NOBLE via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers will be changed every round.
Check your PM to find out which number you are for the round.
Topic
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02-15-2018, 03:25 AM
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#1
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Ranked Audio Record 4 Won / 0 Lost
Ranked Text Record 30 Won / 8 Lost
Join Date: May 2011
Voted:
407
audio / 1061
text
Posts: 6,096
Mentioned: 3622 Post(s)
Tagged: 76 Thread(s)
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ATT 2018 ROUND 2: Writer 2 vs Writer 3 [Writer 2 wins via no-show]
Writer 2 vs. Writer 3
Rules
Verses are due by Sunday, February 25th at 11:59 PM Eastern (GMT-5).
Verses must be sent to NOBLE via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers will be changed every round.
Check your PM to find out which number you are for the round.
Topic
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Offline
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03-06-2018, 02:48 AM
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,096
Mentioned: 3622 Post(s)
Tagged: 76 Thread(s)
Ranked Audio Record 4 Won / 0 Lost
Ranked Text Record 30 Won / 8 Lost
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Writer 2
-Miasma-
Beware of the Imp’s intoxicating speech
(His lungs exude an artisan poison).
Stay wary of its far, indoctrinating reach,
For it invades your heart and employs it.
He groans a skulking vaporous stimulant.
Condensing to a stream of seduction,
It begins as a serpentine rivulet,
And grows into a sea of corruption.
It’s an attractively perfumed suggestion.
Infectiously pestilent, sweet, malicious...
By inhalation, or through ingestion,
It spreads a sickness that seems delicious.
Do not ignore that sensation in your chest
(The indicator of iniquity).
The flash of preconceived guilt within your breast
Can be lost in distant antiquity.
Known to me now only after the carnage
Is this wretched beast of evil temptation.
A pawn in the scheme of his masterful harvest,
I have secured my fate of certain damnation.
He had breathed into my mind that miasmic gas.
I listened to the whispers -heeded the commands-
From my conscience he kept my actions masked.
The murders were a tasty, mischievious romance.
As I crouch among the strewn human wreckage
And as my conscience now becomes the witness,
In retrospect I can view the presage,
But it is much too late. I've succumbed to sickness.
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03-06-2018, 02:48 AM
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#2
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Ranked Audio Record 4 Won / 0 Lost
Ranked Text Record 30 Won / 8 Lost
Join Date: May 2011
Voted:
407
audio / 1061
text
Posts: 6,096
Mentioned: 3622 Post(s)
Tagged: 76 Thread(s)
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Writer 2
-Miasma-
Beware of the Imp’s intoxicating speech
(His lungs exude an artisan poison).
Stay wary of its far, indoctrinating reach,
For it invades your heart and employs it.
He groans a skulking vaporous stimulant.
Condensing to a stream of seduction,
It begins as a serpentine rivulet,
And grows into a sea of corruption.
It’s an attractively perfumed suggestion.
Infectiously pestilent, sweet, malicious...
By inhalation, or through ingestion,
It spreads a sickness that seems delicious.
Do not ignore that sensation in your chest
(The indicator of iniquity).
The flash of preconceived guilt within your breast
Can be lost in distant antiquity.
Known to me now only after the carnage
Is this wretched beast of evil temptation.
A pawn in the scheme of his masterful harvest,
I have secured my fate of certain damnation.
He had breathed into my mind that miasmic gas.
I listened to the whispers -heeded the commands-
From my conscience he kept my actions masked.
The murders were a tasty, mischievious romance.
As I crouch among the strewn human wreckage
And as my conscience now becomes the witness,
In retrospect I can view the presage,
But it is much too late. I've succumbed to sickness.
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Offline
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03-06-2018, 02:48 AM
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,096
Mentioned: 3622 Post(s)
Tagged: 76 Thread(s)
Ranked Audio Record 4 Won / 0 Lost
Ranked Text Record 30 Won / 8 Lost
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Writer 3 did not submit an entry by the deadline and is thus disqualified. Writer 2 wins automatically. I'm leaving this as "open for votes" so he can receive feedback since he worked and put in some effort to craft this verse. So please leave feedback/critique. I will come back and drop my own soon.
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03-06-2018, 02:48 AM
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#3
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Ranked Audio Record 4 Won / 0 Lost
Ranked Text Record 30 Won / 8 Lost
Join Date: May 2011
Voted:
407
audio / 1061
text
Posts: 6,096
Mentioned: 3622 Post(s)
Tagged: 76 Thread(s)
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Writer 3 did not submit an entry by the deadline and is thus disqualified. Writer 2 wins automatically. I'm leaving this as "open for votes" so he can receive feedback since he worked and put in some effort to craft this verse. So please leave feedback/critique. I will come back and drop my own soon.
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Offline
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03-07-2018, 02:37 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2,964
Mentioned: 1226 Post(s)
Tagged: 61 Thread(s)
Ranked Audio Record 2 Won / 4 Lost
Ranked Text Record 111 Won / 72 Lost
Exclusive Text Record 3 Won / 6 Lost
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An interesting piece. The most obvious interpretation, to me, is a person drawn by drug addiction into committing crimes, but I suppose the causal agent could just as well be interpreted as psychosis or ideological extremism. Whatever the case, I enjoyed the intellectual metaphoricity, but not the execution. This topical had a poetic feel to it, but didn't succeed at actually being poetry because of the poor scansion. It was more than slightly metrically awkward, which has to be avoided in topicals, especially when you take the poetic route. The vocabulary might have been too complex for a lot of readers on here, though not for me.
Just some food for thought.
__________________
I'm retired from LetsBeef.
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03-07-2018, 02:37 PM
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#4
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Ranked Audio Record 2 Won / 4 Lost
Ranked Text Record 111 Won / 72 Lost
Exclusive Text Record 3 Won / 6 Lost
Join Date: Jan 2014
Voted:
35
audio / 1024
text
Posts: 2,964
Mentioned: 1226 Post(s)
Tagged: 61 Thread(s)
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An interesting piece. The most obvious interpretation, to me, is a person drawn by drug addiction into committing crimes, but I suppose the causal agent could just as well be interpreted as psychosis or ideological extremism. Whatever the case, I enjoyed the intellectual metaphoricity, but not the execution. This topical had a poetic feel to it, but didn't succeed at actually being poetry because of the poor scansion. It was more than slightly metrically awkward, which has to be avoided in topicals, especially when you take the poetic route. The vocabulary might have been too complex for a lot of readers on here, though not for me.
Just some food for thought.
__________________
I'm retired from LetsBeef.
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Offline
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03-13-2018, 02:34 PM
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Posts: n/a
Mentioned: Post(s)
Tagged: Thread(s)
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thought one focused too much on sounding intricate which unfortunately made the piece dull. Held my attention for 2-3 paragraphs. Also, use of brackets are weird in these pieces considering they only contain info not essential to the main story.. ultimately meaning it doesnt have to be read, and if one decides to skip the bracketed lines, it fucks up the flow.
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03-13-2018, 02:34 PM
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#5
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Guest
Voted:
0 audio / 0 text
Posts: n/a
Mentioned: Post(s)
Tagged: Thread(s)
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thought one focused too much on sounding intricate which unfortunately made the piece dull. Held my attention for 2-3 paragraphs. Also, use of brackets are weird in these pieces considering they only contain info not essential to the main story.. ultimately meaning it doesnt have to be read, and if one decides to skip the bracketed lines, it fucks up the flow.
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03-26-2018, 11:54 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,066
Mentioned: 560 Post(s)
Tagged: 27 Thread(s)
Ranked Audio Record 124 Won / 135 Lost
Ranked Text Record 22 Won / 29 Lost
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I thought this was interesting. A bit flowery with the vocabulary, which is not a bad thing, but possibly perceived as overdone in the sense that it can detract from the narrative a bit depending on the reader. I guess a better way of positing that comment is that it felt slow to start due to some expounding, but I do feel it eventually picked up all the aspects of the topic image. Hope the feedback makes sense. (Big words are hard to read unless your Shodan )
__________________
...and I love you too.
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03-26-2018, 11:54 AM
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#6
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Ranked Audio Record 124 Won / 135 Lost
Ranked Text Record 22 Won / 29 Lost
Join Date: Oct 2011
Voted:
481
audio / 231
text
Posts: 1,066
Mentioned: 560 Post(s)
Tagged: 27 Thread(s)
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I thought this was interesting. A bit flowery with the vocabulary, which is not a bad thing, but possibly perceived as overdone in the sense that it can detract from the narrative a bit depending on the reader. I guess a better way of positing that comment is that it felt slow to start due to some expounding, but I do feel it eventually picked up all the aspects of the topic image. Hope the feedback makes sense. (Big words are hard to read unless your Shodan )
__________________
...and I love you too.
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