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  #6  
Unread 07-14-2013, 12:19 PM
Hubert Cumberdale
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Writer 5, I have to first commend you for the originality of this. I would NEVER have thought of the twist you put onto the piece here, and it was really out there and something you will never really see again, so it was a great addition to this topical. I felt that your writing style was a bit on the weaker side here however. You didn't really bring any good choices of words, and as the piece progressed I felt that it was just getting repetitive. The rhyming was also below par to me, and that's okay when the piece warrants that kind of style, but here I felt some lyricism would def have picked it up.

Writer 7, I found the story a little hard to follow at times. What it would seem to me, is that the dead person is the protagonist. The woman with her potions and stuff has allowed the protagonist to enter Billy's body. They are canvasing around the other people, and deciding not to take their shape because of their flaws. This could be a complete wrong direction, but it's the kind of ideas I got. I loved the idea of picking out several characters and giving them backstories. I loved looking through who you were talking about and getting that idea in my head. The syllable count in some of the rhymes did throw me off a bit. I feel like one word rhyming would have fit in a bit better in these cases. In my head, I have already saved my syllable count. I feel that what flows well will be a rhyme that matches. When you have an extra bit in there or something, it makes me slightly stumble when reading, which can hurt the flow slightly.

Writer 2, I liked the idea here. I felt that it'd have been a downside to have them glorified, because the devil's purpose is to punish and HATE humans, but the idea of assembling a team to rebel seemed to work out quite well. I'd have liked to see a little bit more about the protagonist's plot and death. If he was so clever to get entered into this "purgatory", what was his mastermind plot? He just seemed to walk into Disneyland and what? Kill a bunch of people until he was gunned down? Going into a little bit of depth with his story would have been good to me. Another thing was the focus on naming serial killers or tyrants. I'm not too into that genre, so you should have really cooled it a bit after naming a few so the reader wouldn't feel like "Yeah, you know serial killers, we get it".

Overall, this is VERY hard to vote on. Neither really showed off with their writing styles, but all had very good ideas and executed them pretty well.

1. Writer 2
2. Writer 7
3. Writer 5

Last edited by Hubert Cumberdale; 07-14-2013 at 12:27 PM.
Unread 07-14-2013, 12:19 PM   #6
 
Hubert Cumberdale
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Writer 5, I have to first commend you for the originality of this. I would NEVER have thought of the twist you put onto the piece here, and it was really out there and something you will never really see again, so it was a great addition to this topical. I felt that your writing style was a bit on the weaker side here however. You didn't really bring any good choices of words, and as the piece progressed I felt that it was just getting repetitive. The rhyming was also below par to me, and that's okay when the piece warrants that kind of style, but here I felt some lyricism would def have picked it up.

Writer 7, I found the story a little hard to follow at times. What it would seem to me, is that the dead person is the protagonist. The woman with her potions and stuff has allowed the protagonist to enter Billy's body. They are canvasing around the other people, and deciding not to take their shape because of their flaws. This could be a complete wrong direction, but it's the kind of ideas I got. I loved the idea of picking out several characters and giving them backstories. I loved looking through who you were talking about and getting that idea in my head. The syllable count in some of the rhymes did throw me off a bit. I feel like one word rhyming would have fit in a bit better in these cases. In my head, I have already saved my syllable count. I feel that what flows well will be a rhyme that matches. When you have an extra bit in there or something, it makes me slightly stumble when reading, which can hurt the flow slightly.

Writer 2, I liked the idea here. I felt that it'd have been a downside to have them glorified, because the devil's purpose is to punish and HATE humans, but the idea of assembling a team to rebel seemed to work out quite well. I'd have liked to see a little bit more about the protagonist's plot and death. If he was so clever to get entered into this "purgatory", what was his mastermind plot? He just seemed to walk into Disneyland and what? Kill a bunch of people until he was gunned down? Going into a little bit of depth with his story would have been good to me. Another thing was the focus on naming serial killers or tyrants. I'm not too into that genre, so you should have really cooled it a bit after naming a few so the reader wouldn't feel like "Yeah, you know serial killers, we get it".

Overall, this is VERY hard to vote on. Neither really showed off with their writing styles, but all had very good ideas and executed them pretty well.

1. Writer 2
2. Writer 7
3. Writer 5

Last edited by Hubert Cumberdale; 07-14-2013 at 12:27 PM.
 
 

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