Need feedback?.. Wanna train? I gotchu.

[Skizzo]

Ok @Shodan, thanks for showing up bro, first of all. Let me give ya some advice on that piece..


You have a great handle of concepts, your multis match quite nicely, and your setups are clean enough to make your hits land. In my opinion though.. You should try working on making your verse more fluent by incorporating better wording.


Right now, you have a structure that is all over the place. And id like to show you a few places that could be fixed with better wording leading into your concepts..


In your first line, you have a structure of one setup, leading into the punchline that ends the bar out.

Example:

Still can't spell for shit, you should sign up for WRITING CLASSES INSTANTLY, That's "Been A Drill For Rai" like TRYING ANTIHISTAMINES/


The oronym been a drill / benadryl works well, but in the very next line.. You structure the next bar completely differently



Example:
Plus you don't succeed with girls, your lack of LOVE WILL NEVER IMPROVE, even in online dating there will be NOTHING EVER FOR YOU If you're "Hooked up with a machine" it's JUST A MEDICAL TUBE!!/


In this bar, your wording in the last line doesnt flow along to the previous structure, which throws your flow off completely. If youre going to do a one line then one concept bar, the following bar either has to flow along with that structure, or provide an inner multi transitioning to the next multi so that itll flow. You go from 2 lines following a multi, with a setup then punchline structure.. And follow that with a 3 line concept idea (which is an uneven amount of lines) on an entirely different multi.


Also.. The fact that the concept is only three lines, makes the entire concept seem rushed to get to the point of the punchline concept.




So, in short.. I think your main problem that is weighing your concepts down a lot is your poor structure, and your inconsistency with much needed setups leading to your finishing concepts.

[Skizzo]

Ok @Shodan, thanks for showing up bro, first of all. Let me give ya some advice on that piece..


You have a great handle of concepts, your multis match quite nicely, and your setups are clean enough to make your hits land. In my opinion though.. You should try working on making your verse more fluent by incorporating better wording.


Right now, you have a structure that is all over the place. And id like to show you a few places that could be fixed with better wording leading into your concepts..


In your first line, you have a structure of one setup, leading into the punchline that ends the bar out.

Example:

Still can't spell for shit, you should sign up for WRITING CLASSES INSTANTLY, That's "Been A Drill For Rai" like TRYING ANTIHISTAMINES/


The oronym been a drill / benadryl works well, but in the very next line.. You structure the next bar completely differently



Example:
Plus you don't succeed with girls, your lack of LOVE WILL NEVER IMPROVE, even in online dating there will be NOTHING EVER FOR YOU If you're "Hooked up with a machine" it's JUST A MEDICAL TUBE!!/


In this bar, your wording in the last line doesnt flow along to the previous structure, which throws your flow off completely. If youre going to do a one line then one concept bar, the following bar either has to flow along with that structure, or provide an inner multi transitioning to the next multi so that itll flow. You go from 2 lines following a multi, with a setup then punchline structure.. And follow that with a 3 line concept idea (which is an uneven amount of lines) on an entirely different multi.


Also.. The fact that the concept is only three lines, makes the entire concept seem rushed to get to the point of the punchline concept.




So, in short.. I think your main problem that is weighing your concepts down a lot is your poor structure, and your inconsistency with much needed setups leading to your finishing concepts.