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Brayne Ded
Ok, ive now read the verse four times and I found a few areas that I wanted to pick apart for you. Ima do this one bar for bar and explain everything as we go.
I said look... Y'all better "Pray For Auto," I'm 'bout ta kill him; I "Swear To GOD" I BELIEVE IT!
These are the kinds of lines that I wanted to specifically pick apart. The reason that this line was lackluster and really missed the mark entirely, is because you are using extremely basic wordplay / setup connections leading into some really great ideas as punchline references.. But they miss the mark solely because the setup itself is so weak and unoriginal that it makes it almost cringe at how basic it was. Yall better pray for him.. And swear to god I believe it.. The wordplay setup wasnt even the most basic of homonyms and provided nothing to cleverly flip the oncoming punchline you were aiming for. As far as opening statement and thesis goes though, you hit the mark there showing us who and what you were talking about so that did well to set the tone. The problem is that is was just a weak concept in and of itself.
He be makin' the call to "Make A Wish" to "stop the sick teen/ sixteen" and COP HIM A TREATMENT!
The sixteen oronym was okay, but shaky in the fact that its pronounces Sicks-Teen, so that threw it off slightly as an oronym in pronounciation. That alone would be enough to weigh down the effectiveness of the punchline, but on top of that, you have an extremely long winded and unnecessary length of setup leading into the wordplay itself. So that adds to drag out the length between multis and also is killing your flow due to too much filler in the setups / wordplays. Also, on top of all that, yet another extremely basic flip as the punchline "treatment". All those things put together just make the entire line read extremely choppy in flow as well as weak within actual concepts.
Wait. Dude "Been In The Game" since '09? But still hasn't "GOT AN ACHIEVEMENT?" Punches'll "Put Him Out His Misery & Have His Head Bobbin'" 'til him and everyone readin' NODS IN AGREEMENT!
See thats what I mean, head bobbin, nods in agreement.. The simplicity in your concepts is what I honestly think is your worst enemy. You have a good handle of multis, and you have a really good structure in these bars, but that simplicity man.. Its horrendous. Your main objective in training to become better would be to work on complexity. And that, is mainly going to be focusing on making better flips from wordplay to punchline reference training.
Fuck an "L," dude jus' "Autographhed His Death Certificate" and CAUGHT A BEREAVEMENT! 'Cause "When I Snap?" Auto "Fumbles His Lines!" Nothing he's DROPPIN' BEEN DECENT!"
Nowwww we finally get to the football "snap" and fumble line.. Which is so hidden under the simplicity of the punchline reference yet again.. That most people wouldnt even notice it. Because instead of prividing an amazing ounchline referemce here.. You just end it with.. Nothing hes dropping has been decent... Way too much simplicity for such a great concept that had that much potential.
When I drop? It's his verse at the morgue- I'll BODY WHAT HE'S SENT! This corny chump's a flake, I'll "One Pump" his breaks and let the slug STOP THA APPEASEMENTS. 'Cause battlin' me? It's a no-no. It shoulda "Thrown Up More Red Flags" than a "Flu Epidemic in COMMUNIST CHINA!"
Now heres where it began to get really bad.. I had to read it three times in order to follow what you were doing here when you switched the multi in that spot. You ended the entire multi you had setup, without a closing concept about any of it at all.. And just.. Literally moved onto the next multi and concept? I loved the china flu epidemic line, but you literally just left us all hanging on that previous bar with 0 closer to finish out strongly with that last concept you were going on.
I'll walk all over this cunt like I'm "Knee Deep In Pussy," straight waffle-STOMPIN' VAGINAS!
Now I know that this comes right off the communist china line, and its a bit of a 1-2 punch technique you were going for, but the transition was horrible and cringe worthy, so even when I put it together what happened.. You started off with an amazing communist china flip.. And went right back to the basic style of concept connections you have been doing... Knee deep.. Pussy.. Waffle stomping vagins... All extremely simplistic concepts.
I'm writing nothing but promises, honest. I ain't MAKIN' NO DEATH THREATS! Dude better "Book-it Or Pay Attention" 'cause I ain't TAKIN' NO BETS YET! I swear this motherucker's insane for fuckin'' wit Brayne, this LAME SHOULDA JUS' STAYED HOME! Fuck you and fuck your Autographh, bitch! I'll get your stupid NAME PUT ON A GRAVESTONE!
Simplistic concept after simplistic concept, at one point you were just talking.. And then you came out with a proper closer, closing the entire verse out the way you should.. But even that was lackluster in concept wise itself. So, as far as the opener and closer, you are doing the technique correctly, opening thesis, closing statement.. But it is so simplistic that 90% of your punches and concepts literally have 0 affect towards your opponent. Your china concept was probably the best line in your entire verse and you used that as a setup.. Then failed to provide a dope closer to even that concept.
So, overall.. If I was going to say to work on anything FIRST.. itd be complexity. Thats definitely where you are the weakest in. After you learn how to craft a complex haymaker, then working on crafting them back to back and upgrading your wordplays to better fit the punchline in the setups so that every hit lands correctly and has strength behind them.
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