Help me Elevate - Lets Beef

**illinium** · #1 02-09-2011, 10:48 PM

Alright, I got two battles, one open and one that I won. The verses are completely different in level 'cause one I actually spent time on and the other I just wrote real quick 'cause dude sent his verse in like ten minutes.

This one's vs Ey3-G-Warrior:

Lets see what this WACK CAN DO. Gangsters in KATMANDU? Right, and ya lion/lyin SHOOK ME RIGHT UP/Just wanted to FACE YA FOR A WIN since, with ya PLACE OF ORIGIN, losins just what this PUSSY GUY DOES/I SEND THE BRUISES So WHEN YA LOSE THIS ya GONNA BE SPITEFUL BUT THATLL GET VIOLENT ILL/Nobody can SEE HIS SCRIPTS cause when he READS THIS SHIT hell WANNA RECYCLE THE BATTLE WIT SILENT KILL/When I knock him down to FIVE TWENTY his repiration DIVE PLENTY droppin from SLOWLY BREATHIN TA AINT WHEN MAH VERSE PLAYS/Against me? Ya WRITIN TA LOSE OCK cause SNIPIN THE NOOBS OFF is the ONLY REASON YA RANKED IN THE FIRST PLACE/So if this HO TEST THE BOSS then hell PROTEST THE LOSS when he SHOUT N YELL SHIT THAT CAN INCITE FITS/Ill make this WHORE WISH PLEASE STOP THIS SHREDDIN until hell FORGET HES NOT TIBETEN and DOUSE HIMSELF WITH GAS AND THEN LIGHT IT!

The Kathmandu/Pussy Guy does thing is wordplay. His battle with Silent Kill is his only audio battle he has and his verse is completely blank. He's currently ranked 24 for the month so I'm saying the loss against me is going to knock him down 496 places. And there was a few Tibetan monks who protested by pouring gasoline on themselves and setting themselves on fire.

And this one is vs JaeeySmoke
You're misTAKIN YA SEE 'cause ya FAKIN' YA "G". YOU BE GUTTA? NAW JERK/No way this MARK STAY TOUGH when I SPARK J UP like this was a DOOBIE BROTHER'S CONCERT//Since this GAY KID SPOKE you'll watch JAEEEY GET SMOKED before I shit in his SKULL 'N' BURY HIM FO SPITTIN/I got the illness that GOT YA SIEZIN' and STOP YA BREATHIN' like a PULMONARY EMBOLISM//My verses so scary they say surely a MONSTA MADE IT, his are just CONSTIPATED like he TRY SO HARD HE FALL 'N' SHART SOME/But don't TELL HIS PRIDE that's how ELVIS DIED. Illy's his MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION//I bet it's BEEN HELL FA THIS KID 'cause my INTELLIGENT SPITS make it VISCERAL WHEN THIS EIGHT PENNED SLAYS DUDE/'Cause fagot if you START TO RAP then it's back to the HEART ATTACK and not even GLYCERYLE TRINITRATE CAN SAVE YOU//Dude your verse's RUBBISH 'N' LACKS LAUGHS/Seriously, your shit's more SCRUBBISH THAN ZACH BRAFF

It's still open for votes: http://www.letsbeef.com/battle_detai...n=tb&id=386971

Suggestions and stuff? I know the second one isn't near as good as the first one 'cause I was trying to get it done real quick to answer dude. What should I do different? What should I keep and improve on?

**illinium** · 02-09-2011, 10:48 PM

Alright, I got two battles, one open and one that I won. The verses are completely different in level 'cause one I actually spent time on and the other I just wrote real quick 'cause dude sent his verse in like ten minutes.

This one's vs Ey3-G-Warrior:

Lets see what this WACK CAN DO. Gangsters in KATMANDU? Right, and ya lion/lyin SHOOK ME RIGHT UP/Just wanted to FACE YA FOR A WIN since, with ya PLACE OF ORIGIN, losins just what this PUSSY GUY DOES/I SEND THE BRUISES So WHEN YA LOSE THIS ya GONNA BE SPITEFUL BUT THATLL GET VIOLENT ILL/Nobody can SEE HIS SCRIPTS cause when he READS THIS SHIT hell WANNA RECYCLE THE BATTLE WIT SILENT KILL/When I knock him down to FIVE TWENTY his repiration DIVE PLENTY droppin from SLOWLY BREATHIN TA AINT WHEN MAH VERSE PLAYS/Against me? Ya WRITIN TA LOSE OCK cause SNIPIN THE NOOBS OFF is the ONLY REASON YA RANKED IN THE FIRST PLACE/So if this HO TEST THE BOSS then hell PROTEST THE LOSS when he SHOUT N YELL SHIT THAT CAN INCITE FITS/Ill make this WHORE WISH PLEASE STOP THIS SHREDDIN until hell FORGET HES NOT TIBETEN and DOUSE HIMSELF WITH GAS AND THEN LIGHT IT!

The Kathmandu/Pussy Guy does thing is wordplay. His battle with Silent Kill is his only audio battle he has and his verse is completely blank. He's currently ranked 24 for the month so I'm saying the loss against me is going to knock him down 496 places. And there was a few Tibetan monks who protested by pouring gasoline on themselves and setting themselves on fire.

And this one is vs JaeeySmoke
You're misTAKIN YA SEE 'cause ya FAKIN' YA "G". YOU BE GUTTA? NAW JERK/No way this MARK STAY TOUGH when I SPARK J UP like this was a DOOBIE BROTHER'S CONCERT//Since this GAY KID SPOKE you'll watch JAEEEY GET SMOKED before I shit in his SKULL 'N' BURY HIM FO SPITTIN/I got the illness that GOT YA SIEZIN' and STOP YA BREATHIN' like a PULMONARY EMBOLISM//My verses so scary they say surely a MONSTA MADE IT, his are just CONSTIPATED like he TRY SO HARD HE FALL 'N' SHART SOME/But don't TELL HIS PRIDE that's how ELVIS DIED. Illy's his MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION//I bet it's BEEN HELL FA THIS KID 'cause my INTELLIGENT SPITS make it VISCERAL WHEN THIS EIGHT PENNED SLAYS DUDE/'Cause fagot if you START TO RAP then it's back to the HEART ATTACK and not even GLYCERYLE TRINITRATE CAN SAVE YOU//Dude your verse's RUBBISH 'N' LACKS LAUGHS/Seriously, your shit's more SCRUBBISH THAN ZACH BRAFF

It's still open for votes: http://www.letsbeef.com/battle_detai...n=tb&id=386971

Suggestions and stuff? I know the second one isn't near as good as the first one 'cause I was trying to get it done real quick to answer dude. What should I do different? What should I keep and improve on?

LOQ · #2 02-09-2011, 10:52 PM

Instead of getting critiqued.....battle vets. I'll critique it later tho.

LOQ · 02-09-2011, 10:52 PM

Instead of getting critiqued.....battle vets. I'll critique it later tho.

**illinium** · #3 02-09-2011, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GzG

Instead of getting critiqued.....battle vets. I'll critique it later tho.

I'm just trying to get my basics up to par right now. Like, you can't make Salmon Flambe until you can make an omelette you know?

**illinium** · 02-09-2011, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GzG

Instead of getting critiqued.....battle vets. I'll critique it later tho.

I'm just trying to get my basics up to par right now. Like, you can't make Salmon Flambe until you can make an omelette you know?

JaeeySmoke · #4 02-09-2011, 11:04 PM

You're misTAKIN YA SEE 'cause ya FAKIN' YA "G". YOU BE GUTTA? NAW JERK/No way this MARK STAY TOUGH when I SPARK J UP like this was a DOOBIE BROTHER'S CONCERT//

^^ This bar wasnt bad for example but you can structure it better I would have went at it something like:

LOSE ANOTHER when the CON MERKS the BOMBS-HURT u hard? how "pussy raised" ya MOMS SQUIRT COVERED n' DIRT.... you rapping? naah cuz only time we'd see "SMOKE IN THE AIR" was at a "DOOBIE BROTHERS CONCERT"!

like if you got a good concept you can set it up betta u kno ... mostly its creative concepts multis and effective structure / set up... sometimes ill just think about any topic or anything and structure my line about associated concepts...... rap it out to see if it works, etc...

JaeeySmoke · 02-09-2011, 11:04 PM

You're misTAKIN YA SEE 'cause ya FAKIN' YA "G". YOU BE GUTTA? NAW JERK/No way this MARK STAY TOUGH when I SPARK J UP like this was a DOOBIE BROTHER'S CONCERT//

^^ This bar wasnt bad for example but you can structure it better I would have went at it something like:

LOSE ANOTHER when the CON MERKS the BOMBS-HURT u hard? how "pussy raised" ya MOMS SQUIRT COVERED n' DIRT.... you rapping? naah cuz only time we'd see "SMOKE IN THE AIR" was at a "DOOBIE BROTHERS CONCERT"!

like if you got a good concept you can set it up betta u kno ... mostly its creative concepts multis and effective structure / set up... sometimes ill just think about any topic or anything and structure my line about associated concepts...... rap it out to see if it works, etc...

**illinium** · #5 02-10-2011, 01:56 AM

Bumping for more than two replies.

**illinium** · 02-10-2011, 01:56 AM

Bumping for more than two replies.

**reEFer** · #6 02-10-2011, 02:21 AM

Hahaha .. j smoke, you made that bar like 10x worse.. you really are ignorant when it comes to this rap shit

**reEFer** · 02-10-2011, 02:21 AM

Hahaha .. j smoke, you made that bar like 10x worse.. you really are ignorant when it comes to this rap shit

0n SMASHH · #7 02-10-2011, 02:26 AM

Illinium if that's really how you spit then you're a jackass for saying my dude sucks...seriously

0n SMASHH · 02-10-2011, 02:26 AM

Illinium if that's really how you spit then you're a jackass for saying my dude sucks...seriously

**illinium** · #8 02-11-2011, 03:09 AM

Bumping again because it looks like RULE is on.

**illinium** · 02-11-2011, 03:09 AM

Bumping again because it looks like RULE is on.

**TheStudent** · #9 02-11-2011, 01:25 PM

First, Lose The //

**TheStudent** · 02-11-2011, 01:25 PM

First, Lose The //

**illinium** · #10 02-12-2011, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stuizzy

First, Lose The //

You mean that the very first thing I should do is stop clearly indicating where one bar ends and the next start? THAT's the thing I should do over any other? You're a fucking moron. Get the fuck out of my thread and stay out.

**illinium** · 02-12-2011, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stuizzy

First, Lose The //

You mean that the very first thing I should do is stop clearly indicating where one bar ends and the next start? THAT's the thing I should do over any other? You're a fucking moron. Get the fuck out of my thread and stay out.


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