Agonize (1-1) Vs Black Book (2-1) - (Agonize Wins 3-0) - Lets Beef

#1 08-28-2013, 06:56 PM

This match up is part of The Inkwell PPV.
. . .
Main Card Match Up
@Agonize Vs @Black Book

Topic: The Mistress

Good Luck.

08-28-2013, 06:56 PM

This match up is part of The Inkwell PPV.
. . .
Main Card Match Up
@Agonize Vs @Black Book

Topic: The Mistress

Good Luck.

#2 08-28-2013, 06:58 PM

Agonize

The Mistress

1:13 am. My heart is heavy in my chest
She’s deep in sleep, the breathing pattern steady in her breast
I slip swift from the sheets and start to ready my descent.

The kitchen cabinet above the dingy toaster’s where we keep the rum
I contemplate a drink but think, “I won’t be needing one”
I weave my hand between the bottles till my fingers reach the gun.

The basement stairs will squeak but intuition guides me, silent
A pull string from above allows a little light to shine in
The outline of a door exists if you know where to find it
And I bulge with pure excitement as I think of what’s behind it.

From a corner of the dim room in a scene of submission
She quivers on the cold ground in the fetal position
In her weakened condition she needs me to live and
No longer begs for me to let her leave from this prison.

She reels as I get near her, and my chest tightens up
The woman used to say I had the Midas touch
Now she denies my love and acts like I’m a monster to be frightened of.

She’s really only paranoid
And she avoids that there’s a void
In her that’s lacking care and joy
And I can patch and heal the precious parts of her despair destroyed.

So when she struggles and she’s using bitter words
And I force myself inside her while it’s bruising and it hurts
It’s all ok, I say, because I’m doing it for her.

At this point conscience steps in, I know cheating isn’t right
And my guilty thoughts bolt straight upstairs, where dreaming in the night
My mistress lies oblivious and numb to the deepness of my lies and the meaning of my life
While down here I'm reconciling and sleeping with my wife

Vs

Black Book

The Mistress

Her skin is pale without a wrinkle or single imperfection.
I "accidentally" bumped into her while crossing the intersection.
From there I struck up a conversation and got her to smile.
Then we went to her house, and I watched her undress after a while.
She was like a prize you find at the store after you search the isle.
Her long legs and beautiful dark hair caused butterflies in my stomach.
We didn't make love but when we do and I get to cum..shit!
She is better than you; you're a hilltop, she's a mountain's summit.
You are bland and unexciting; you cause me no thrill.
Sure my family loves you, but me and this other girl? Our love is so real.
Her name is Lisa; I don't know her last name but she knows me as Joe Steele.
You say that isn't my real name? Well, why can't it be?
Shut up, woman! Shut up! How dare you question my sanity?
Lisa and I will get married, be together forever, have a real nice family.
Your short blonde hair used to please me, but now I'm disgusted by it.
Oh, we've been together for years? Had a real good run, so why quit?
Well, I find your body repulsive and your voice is so aggravating.
Calm down, Aaron? Calm down!? Oh, really?? I'm exaggerating?
No I'm not! You see, I've been punching numbers, steadily calculating.
Why am I so unhappy? You. Why am I broke? You and your shit.
So the possibility of leaving you? Well, I am all for it.
I am leaving you for her, understand? Our breakup. That is what this is.
She will be my new girl, my lover, my one and only, no longer my mistress.
Her and I are destined to be together; she just doesn't know it yet.
Stop crying, woman! Don't call the cops! Why the fuck are you so upset?
Why am I taking binoculars, duct tape, and a ski mask with me?
Oh, your boring-self wouldn't understand! She likes to get frisky!
Why do I have a gun? I don't. What are you saying? Stop it!
What? No! It isn't the pistol your father gave me that's in my back pocket!
It's uh...It's um...Well it is just my wallet.
Show you? Alright...Fine...You made me do this.
*Bang Bang* Now I'm free from you! You got what you wished!
I'm off to start the rest of my life; I hope Lisa doesn't act clueless.

08-28-2013, 06:58 PM

Agonize

The Mistress

1:13 am. My heart is heavy in my chest
She’s deep in sleep, the breathing pattern steady in her breast
I slip swift from the sheets and start to ready my descent.

The kitchen cabinet above the dingy toaster’s where we keep the rum
I contemplate a drink but think, “I won’t be needing one”
I weave my hand between the bottles till my fingers reach the gun.

The basement stairs will squeak but intuition guides me, silent
A pull string from above allows a little light to shine in
The outline of a door exists if you know where to find it
And I bulge with pure excitement as I think of what’s behind it.

From a corner of the dim room in a scene of submission
She quivers on the cold ground in the fetal position
In her weakened condition she needs me to live and
No longer begs for me to let her leave from this prison.

She reels as I get near her, and my chest tightens up
The woman used to say I had the Midas touch
Now she denies my love and acts like I’m a monster to be frightened of.

She’s really only paranoid
And she avoids that there’s a void
In her that’s lacking care and joy
And I can patch and heal the precious parts of her despair destroyed.

So when she struggles and she’s using bitter words
And I force myself inside her while it’s bruising and it hurts
It’s all ok, I say, because I’m doing it for her.

At this point conscience steps in, I know cheating isn’t right
And my guilty thoughts bolt straight upstairs, where dreaming in the night
My mistress lies oblivious and numb to the deepness of my lies and the meaning of my life
While down here I'm reconciling and sleeping with my wife

Vs

Black Book

The Mistress

Her skin is pale without a wrinkle or single imperfection.
I "accidentally" bumped into her while crossing the intersection.
From there I struck up a conversation and got her to smile.
Then we went to her house, and I watched her undress after a while.
She was like a prize you find at the store after you search the isle.
Her long legs and beautiful dark hair caused butterflies in my stomach.
We didn't make love but when we do and I get to cum..shit!
She is better than you; you're a hilltop, she's a mountain's summit.
You are bland and unexciting; you cause me no thrill.
Sure my family loves you, but me and this other girl? Our love is so real.
Her name is Lisa; I don't know her last name but she knows me as Joe Steele.
You say that isn't my real name? Well, why can't it be?
Shut up, woman! Shut up! How dare you question my sanity?
Lisa and I will get married, be together forever, have a real nice family.
Your short blonde hair used to please me, but now I'm disgusted by it.
Oh, we've been together for years? Had a real good run, so why quit?
Well, I find your body repulsive and your voice is so aggravating.
Calm down, Aaron? Calm down!? Oh, really?? I'm exaggerating?
No I'm not! You see, I've been punching numbers, steadily calculating.
Why am I so unhappy? You. Why am I broke? You and your shit.
So the possibility of leaving you? Well, I am all for it.
I am leaving you for her, understand? Our breakup. That is what this is.
She will be my new girl, my lover, my one and only, no longer my mistress.
Her and I are destined to be together; she just doesn't know it yet.
Stop crying, woman! Don't call the cops! Why the fuck are you so upset?
Why am I taking binoculars, duct tape, and a ski mask with me?
Oh, your boring-self wouldn't understand! She likes to get frisky!
Why do I have a gun? I don't. What are you saying? Stop it!
What? No! It isn't the pistol your father gave me that's in my back pocket!
It's uh...It's um...Well it is just my wallet.
Show you? Alright...Fine...You made me do this.
*Bang Bang* Now I'm free from you! You got what you wished!
I'm off to start the rest of my life; I hope Lisa doesn't act clueless.

**Murderous Swag** · #3 09-01-2013, 11:02 AM

Agonize-I really felt your approach you took here,had me wanting to read more and more was actually ashamed it ended so quickly.....real nice use of words stuck to the topic throughout the entire verse
Blackbook-I expected better from you tbh,Your approach was below the standard I have set for you as a textcee,You stuck to the story I just felt like the approach was a bit basic never the less was an ok read
vote goes to agonize

**Murderous Swag** · 09-01-2013, 11:02 AM

Agonize-I really felt your approach you took here,had me wanting to read more and more was actually ashamed it ended so quickly.....real nice use of words stuck to the topic throughout the entire verse
Blackbook-I expected better from you tbh,Your approach was below the standard I have set for you as a textcee,You stuck to the story I just felt like the approach was a bit basic never the less was an ok read
vote goes to agonize

**NOBLE** · #4 09-01-2013, 09:29 PM

I wouldn't say either of the pieces dealt topically with "The Mistress." Both stories sort of had different focuses that simply included a mistress in the storyline. In the 1st piece, I saw the focus as being more so on the protagonist's mindset and the act he was about to perform on his captive in the basement. The mistress was only mentioned in the end, almost like an afterthought to tie it all in.
In the 2nd piece, I didn't feel the mistress was in focus either, especially since she's only being described in 3rd person by the protagonist to his wife whom he is leaving.
There are things I liked and disliked in both pieces. In the 1st piece, I liked how the story was told almost in snapshots, especially in the beginning from him reaching for a gun behind the bottles to him descending down the basement stairs. There was a lot of imagery which places one into the story. The story also places us into the mind of someone who is sadistic, a place where most of us probably don't often go. What I didn't like about it, as I've mentioned, was how the mistress was only mentioned in the end and I felt the little twist with the captive actually being the wife rather than the mistress was a little too late and too abrupt. It was developing into a juicy story but then just kind of ended in a lame way.
In the 2nd piece, I felt the approach was brave and different. Specifically, I'm referring to the author's attempt to describe a conversation while showing only the responses from one person, the protagonist. I felt it could have worked and made things interesting if it was only used in a segment rather than throughout the whole piece. It is left up to the reader to infer the protagonist's wife's responses through context and what the protagonist is saying. However, I felt the overall effect just made it seem as if the protagonist was engaged in a rambling soliloquy. It probably would have been better if the story was told in 3rd person narrative, capturing the full conversation. Things would have been more clear to the reader and the story would have made more of an impression.
In the end, I felt Agonize's piece was more creative and that edged it for him. My vote goes to Agonize.

**NOBLE** · 09-01-2013, 09:29 PM

I wouldn't say either of the pieces dealt topically with "The Mistress." Both stories sort of had different focuses that simply included a mistress in the storyline. In the 1st piece, I saw the focus as being more so on the protagonist's mindset and the act he was about to perform on his captive in the basement. The mistress was only mentioned in the end, almost like an afterthought to tie it all in.
In the 2nd piece, I didn't feel the mistress was in focus either, especially since she's only being described in 3rd person by the protagonist to his wife whom he is leaving.
There are things I liked and disliked in both pieces. In the 1st piece, I liked how the story was told almost in snapshots, especially in the beginning from him reaching for a gun behind the bottles to him descending down the basement stairs. There was a lot of imagery which places one into the story. The story also places us into the mind of someone who is sadistic, a place where most of us probably don't often go. What I didn't like about it, as I've mentioned, was how the mistress was only mentioned in the end and I felt the little twist with the captive actually being the wife rather than the mistress was a little too late and too abrupt. It was developing into a juicy story but then just kind of ended in a lame way.
In the 2nd piece, I felt the approach was brave and different. Specifically, I'm referring to the author's attempt to describe a conversation while showing only the responses from one person, the protagonist. I felt it could have worked and made things interesting if it was only used in a segment rather than throughout the whole piece. It is left up to the reader to infer the protagonist's wife's responses through context and what the protagonist is saying. However, I felt the overall effect just made it seem as if the protagonist was engaged in a rambling soliloquy. It probably would have been better if the story was told in 3rd person narrative, capturing the full conversation. Things would have been more clear to the reader and the story would have made more of an impression.
In the end, I felt Agonize's piece was more creative and that edged it for him. My vote goes to Agonize.

**Dono** · #5 09-03-2013, 01:32 PM

Agonize: I was about to rip your head off for some stuff, but with the ending it all makes sense. Relax. It's gravy.

Quote:

"The kitchen cabinet above the dingy toaster’s where we keep the rum
I contemplate a drink but think, “I won’t be needing one”
I weave my hand between the bottles till my fingers reach the gun."

This section didn't really seem to add to the story as a whole. He gets a gun but....why? The wife is in the basement half-dead, he wouldn't need a gun to maintain dominance and in fact he doesn't use it later. Write everything with meaning and connection.

On to the good, the descriptive language and depth of emotion is really on point. Storyline was well done to the very end. Nice little twist, not the most brain bursting but it was something and clearly explained. Not a whole lot of beef with this piece to be honest, not sure I like the 3 sets but that's a personal preference, no reflection on the piece.

BB: I felt like your concepts got a little muddled, also the 3 sets were really throwing off my reading. I don't know, I think your main issue was in your choice of language vs. what the story was supposed to portray. There's supposed to be some deep seated serious crazy emotions running around this guy and I just wasn't getting it from the language. Also, a lot of his dialogue seemed written particularly to portray the scene, not something that would be in real dialogue. Unnatural sounding. Like:

Quote:

Why am I taking binoculars, duct tape, and a ski mask with me?

sounds like a really weird list to start rattling off.

I did however really enjoy the effort toward taking this perspective, it was a nice touch, just not executed as well as it could have been. The ending also seemed abrupt and too nonchalant for what had just happened.

Quote:

"I'm off to start the rest of my life; I hope Lisa doesn't act clueless. "

Act clueless to what? The murder? He wants her to know? Desires are muddled for me.

MVGT Agonize.

**Dono** · 09-03-2013, 01:32 PM

Agonize: I was about to rip your head off for some stuff, but with the ending it all makes sense. Relax. It's gravy.

Quote:

"The kitchen cabinet above the dingy toaster’s where we keep the rum
I contemplate a drink but think, “I won’t be needing one”
I weave my hand between the bottles till my fingers reach the gun."

This section didn't really seem to add to the story as a whole. He gets a gun but....why? The wife is in the basement half-dead, he wouldn't need a gun to maintain dominance and in fact he doesn't use it later. Write everything with meaning and connection.

On to the good, the descriptive language and depth of emotion is really on point. Storyline was well done to the very end. Nice little twist, not the most brain bursting but it was something and clearly explained. Not a whole lot of beef with this piece to be honest, not sure I like the 3 sets but that's a personal preference, no reflection on the piece.

BB: I felt like your concepts got a little muddled, also the 3 sets were really throwing off my reading. I don't know, I think your main issue was in your choice of language vs. what the story was supposed to portray. There's supposed to be some deep seated serious crazy emotions running around this guy and I just wasn't getting it from the language. Also, a lot of his dialogue seemed written particularly to portray the scene, not something that would be in real dialogue. Unnatural sounding. Like:

Quote:

Why am I taking binoculars, duct tape, and a ski mask with me?

sounds like a really weird list to start rattling off.

I did however really enjoy the effort toward taking this perspective, it was a nice touch, just not executed as well as it could have been. The ending also seemed abrupt and too nonchalant for what had just happened.

Quote:

"I'm off to start the rest of my life; I hope Lisa doesn't act clueless. "

Act clueless to what? The murder? He wants her to know? Desires are muddled for me.

MVGT Agonize.