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Your 'verse sucked' enough EXTRANEOUS CONTENT you got 'massive filler' the readers don't WANT FREE LOTS NONSENSE n his 'punches weak' like a SPONTANEOUS COMMENT!
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I'll try and stick to the obvious wording issue.
"WANT FREE LOTS NONSENSE" is basically...Nonsense. It makes no sense as a sentence. Say it out loud. It's gibberish. Plus it completely breaks up the flow because "WANT FREE LOTS NONSENSE" = 5 syllables. While the other 2 capitalised sections = 6 syllables. So when you add the mismatched syllable count with the fact that "WANT FREE LOTS NONSENSE" doesn't make any sense and has no place in a sentence. It completely kills the readability.
This is off topic but I think it's important for you to note.
As for the 'verse sucked' 'massive filler' & 'punches weak' sections. They have no connection to the capitalised sections or even the end punch.
What does ('punches weak') have to do with a (SPONTANEOUS COMMENT)?
I don't see the connection. And even if their is a connection. It's way to vague to land a direct hit because it reeks of a forced struggle and reach. Like you're trying to hard.
I'm not going to break the rest down because I think I've said enough and more than anyone else has.
So to sum it up.
You'll be better of starting with a shorter multi count. Say 3 or at the max 4. Not only will this help make your wording cleaner as you won't have to be thinking up poor choices of word to make the syllable count match. It will also make thinking up concepts easier giving you a bit more freedom.
Remember the more syllables you use the harder it is. And you're really not ready to string that many syllables yet. Take a step back and work your way back up the syllable count gradually. If you really want to improve. Every battle you drop from now on should be using no more than 3 or 4 capitalised multi sets.