Quote:
Originally Posted by Itz Killz
started off straight man...IMPLORING SLUGS QUICK sounds awkward to me..and yes i know what 'imploring' means lol...the length between the last two multi sets need to have either another multi....or an inner rhyme scheme. its a little stretched out there. the wordplay doesnt jive with me homie...it has to work very smoothly in both phrases for it to be worth using. it comes off forced..for instance...you wouldnrt say "hanging over wait in line for a sticking"...tbh i wouldnt say hanging overweight in line for a sticking either'...i see where you were going with the punch..but the execution was off... be careful about using wordplay....not too many people do it well, and there arent too too many fresh ones that i see anymore...its almost not worth the risk unless its guaranteed fresh
---------- Post added at 02:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:51 PM ----------
first and foremost...gay shit doesnt usually fly yo...it better be clever or funny...but that opening line is just downright gay and foul lol..second multi set is technically a match, but when read, it doesnt quite flow as well as it could...second multi scheme is off a syllable..and i'm not sure what 'jumping on cops' means...then next few multies seem very out of place and the wording is awkward at best...'chick piping' and 'stick griping' dont rhyme at all...closer was a let down.
homie...ya main issue is that your structure is off...be sure to match all those multies well, and make sure that you are saying something..meaning advance the verse with every multie you use..you got kinda mired in vague insults and never really got to a punch here. when you first start...its best to have maybe one concept to open with..then work off of that multi set or that concept...this seemed aimless and needed some direction...
hope that helps fam
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It Really Helps Lol I'ama Copy and paste this on my computer to keep this shit in mind
