You're on "life support" in the Tag tourney. Only RIGHT THAT A BULL'S YOUR CRUTCH! "I provide all of ya dope lines", 'n it's TIME THAT I "PULL YA PLUG"!
Dead the reference style. Mentioning life support in the first bar, completely out of the context of any punch, doesn't add to the second line. Putting quotations around it is like saying "Oh, include this too". It's not included.
The "provide all of your dope lines" reference seemed unrelated to anything. You didn't mention or set any precedent for either you ghostwriting, or you inspiring the best lines. I'm not entirely sure how a "DOPE line" would relate to life support, unless you're a huge fan of life support technology and think the lifeline visualization is dope as hell.
You won't "push the right buttons" goin' up against ya FAVORITE RHYMER. If you're "makin moves that'll do some damage"? You're just busy bein' a GAME DESIGNER!
Again, the push the buttons isn't included. It's miles away from the punch. You can't be like "Fir real, "Alaska" bitch what shes doing tonight and then we'll go on a date and then we might see what we do from there....LIKE AMERICAN STATES. Punches need to be quick and snappy and you're trying to write half the punch before the punchline even starts. Good metaphor usage as this is always a fresher way to deliver than a traditional simile.
He'll say he's my "father-figure", but I'm in an echelon that EtH'S REACHIN FOR. When I ended AC's? Ya said-I'm-a-faggot, Dave, 'til I "made it big, 'n ya mooched off my success-'n-my-accolades" - you're a "DEAD BEAT", FOR SURE! Invested in Turnbulls cause of RULE. You hate that he's someone LETSBEEF ADORES. Ironic: you used us to "put a price on his head" cause he lives "RENT FREE IN YOURS"!
It gets a little wordy in the centre. I think it's a syllable too long, probably the "off" word. Obviously this is needed, but it's probably slightly too long and chops the flow a slight amount. I'm not sure I understand what the play is supposed to be with DEAD BEAT. I can't see any wordplay in there but it's sign posted as if there should be
I can't say much about the scheme because if the dead beat line does have some original flip then it'd be well executed and tells a good story. However if not, there's too much added and it's too beefy to compliment the rhyming or story.
The punch was an original delivery which made it feel very fresh. Not your typical flippy delivery of a standard punch, it's delivered more organically to this specific line. Sometimes lines can be put together in ways that others won't be, so that allows for this unique way to use the wordplay but not rely on any flips or metaphors.
You're always tryna stick-it-to-the-man til they hit-you-w/-a-ban cause ya got yaself conVINCED YOU'VE EXPOSED THE TRUTH! You "readin' the tea leaves is makin me drop ya bag in the water" but this ain't LIPTON I'VE CHOSE TO BREW! You're on that "human centipede swag": nurses'll have STITCHES GET SEWN IN YOU cause "your mouth's been connected to all that SHIT YOU'VE BEEN GOIN' THROUGH"!
i wasn't going to talk about punches or concepts, but when writing a Liptons ice tea line, realize you're writing a Liptons ice tea line and stop it. Waaaay too wordy in the tea delivery too. Especially for a punch that is only used to create the storyline narrative, establish the multi and get a little dig in, you can't allow it to be as wordy or as overall forced as this. It really takes away from the main punch which follows.
The nurses part is weird. Wasnt human centipede just one doctor? I could be wrong but that seemed a bit off to me. Punch was delivered okay but badly hindered by over manufacturing beforehand and a very forced building up lone.
EtH wishes he was YOU WISH, nothin' he RHYMES IS DECENT, THOUGH. I'll "bury this grunt at Arlington National" since he wanna "DIE TO BE UNKNOWN"! #DieSlow[/QUOTE]
I think what's so good about this line is I have no idea what Arlington National is, and I completely don't need to. You've framed the line well enough that I completely get what you mean and the impact lands without me having to know it. In regards to the earlier line when I said punchlines are supposed to be snappy and the reference style of adding in a "phrase on the theme" in the previous line is pointless, this is an example of a straight up punchline. It rests on the merits of its delivery and concept. Sure, the writer could have said "No one would give YOU As (UAs)" or some shit to "quantify the punch" but it's completely pointless. Write a punch and deliver it, just like was the case here. You don't need to over engineer anything when the line has been designed clearly with good intent and impact.
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