Alright.
Sorry it took me so long to resply to this, I've been busy lately. But here goes fam.
he claimed he was 'beastly with beef' and on this SITE YOU'LL THROW HANDS i'll make this 'piggy eat those words' cause if you thought that kg on the MIC"LL GO HAM, nah, he'll just 'rehearse wild claims to buff his sentence' like MICHEAL COHAN! see this tweaker 'rip metal and make cash' cause he was stealin a COPPER STASH yea kg's had some hard times, he even asked hvk to be his PROPER DAD he'll try to 'rub off on that old dude' to be given a 'happy ending' like ROBERT KRAFT and his new name fits, cause 'lil kilo' we KNOW YOUR WRITTENS WERE only 'increased in small incraments' like the GLOBAL TEMPERATURE!
First of all, Pigs are pork, not "beef", so the wordplay setup "beastly with beef" doesn't have any connection to anything you've done here in the concept. In doing so, it comes off as filler and just unnecessary / useless. The Multi's match, but you're lack of punchline reference within those multis just seems like you're wasting them here bro. Aside from that, you're using terms like "piggy eat those words", which is a term that you wouldn't and shouldn't use regardless. They come off as corny. All of these mistakes are dragging down the concepts that you're trying to execute here. The last part about rehearsing wild claims, that part fit, but the "buff" part of the wordplay setup here didn't do anything to strengthen your concept so it was again, just filler. The sentence part fit nicely with the concept but overall, that wordplay could've been used much MUCH better to make the concept hit a lot harder. I also noticed that most of your wordplays are extremely simplistic. Piggy / Go ham, beastly / animal reference etc etc. You have a really hard time using wordplays and setups to your advantage in order to execute your concepts effectively. I noticed this in most of your bars, except for the robert kraft line. The reason that bar hit so much harder than everything else you tried here, was because the wordplays "Rub off on" and "Happy ending" were used and setup properly with the personal going along with it.
When using concepts, most of the ones you used were stand alone, and extremely simplistic. But with those two specific lines, You properly setup the personal as well as executed a more complex wordplay setup, and by the time you got to executing the punchline reference that was within the multi, it hit so much cleaner and harder.
So, my suggestion on fixing that verse would be to go back and try to execute a more thought out structure to your concepts and setups so that they all work with each other and set each other properly.
Hope this helps! @
g u t s