Lol. Be nice @
Row, its all about learning and getting better. We all gotta start somewhere.
@
KG I applaud you for coming to look for feedback and trying to get better. You obviously have a lot of work to do in a few different areas, so we will just jump right into it.
Let me pick some areas apart that need work.
Example:
He'd "grow to cause a revolution?" All this BABY'S BIRTH FINNA BRING ..
In the opening statement of your verse, first of all, you dont really set the tone for the overall verse. If you have ever been in english class or practiced essay writing, the opening paragraph is going to be your thesis. It tells the readers what or who youre talking about, and sets the tone for the direction of what youre writing about. A verse is much like that, in the sense that your opener provides your readers or listeners the opportunity to understand the direction you are about to take as well as what youre talking about and who. This is why making such a strong opener is extremely important.
Onto the next problem with it.. Is the fact that your setup should be the wordplay, or setup line to the following hit to make it connect. Born to be a revolution, and following that with all this babys birth finna bring, does not provide a clever enough concept flip to make it a hard hitting line. The wording is really bad and that alone causes the strength of the overall concept to fail in execution. I understand that you were trying to follow that up with the next oncoming line about uprising being more embarrassing part.. But you follow that up with a ladys skirt in the wind concept which has nothing to do with an uprising or a revolution. What you are doing is combining irrelevant subject matter and throwing them together in order to make them fit a scheme, but the problem also is that youre drawing out those concepts too long and using irrelevant concepts that dont fit the subject matter either in a personal or effective way, so it comes off more like jumbled ideas mashed together messily.
Also, im not a fan of the one line concepts, then switch to the next multi. You are not transitioning your multis properly enough to make a proper flow. So, with that, its not only your schemes that become a jumbled mess, but also your flow and structure.
You may be able to slide on one of those things.. But when all that adds up together? You can see how these things start to add up and put an extreme weight on your concepts and overall verse.
Another thing I wanted to add, is this part
Example:
"Ironic your clueless" since your OFFENSE, IT LEFT ME w/ "proof of flaws in ya schemin" w/ my FORENSIC TECHNIQUES!!
Ok? You have no clever flip, again, from wordplay to concept, youre just talking and mixing even more irrelevant ideas together. I want to give you a formula that ive practiced on that may help you when writing your verses. Two of them actually..
The first one being a structure formula..
Structure a bar with these four lines:
1. Introduction to personal or punchline concept.
2. A creative flip to that punchline concept or personal.
3. A setup, involving the scheme / topic of the overall bar.. Leading into
4. The closure. Which involves a punchline flip to the overall concept of the bar.
And as far as making concepts, I think you should try this formula: "Wordplay, "like", Punchline reference.
Im going to show you a bar of mine in which I take a single concept theme, and execute these formulas. Give me a second to find it.