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UnEtH1CaL You have a very unique style. I read that verse this morning but I wanted to wait till I had a minute to break it down properly and offer some advice.
First of all.
You have a very unique and creative approach to personals, your storyline is extremely effective and the way you flow one concept to another within that storyline is extremely fluent. That being said.. I think where you lack, is in the fact that sometimes you get lost in that storyline and sacrifice actual concepts for them. Its kind of like you're telling a story, but its just that.. A story. Youre not making concepts out of those personals sometimes, just telling the people about the personal. Which sometimes comes off as a really dope concept, but other times it comes out as a long drawn and winded personal that takes too long to reach its peak. Let me give you some examples.
Example:
He says he's depressed, we ALL JUST IGNORE HIM. He say's a mess, it's NOT AS IMPORTANT. No friends or family, his MAMMA ABHORS HIM. She regrets it massively, should have GOT AN ABORTION. His care and attention are NOT IN PROPORTION so he could LEAP IN A NOOSE but even the BEAMS IN HIS ROOF wouldn't WANNA SUPPORT HIM!
After the depressed line, youve already introduced the personal about him being depressed, so we get it already. But it seems like after that, you just keep dragging out the depression and suicidal personal out over the length of a few concepts.. But the concepts are just talking, not actually hard hitting flips or anything creatively done with them. Not as important.. Momma abhors him.. The last line about the support beams was where you finally got to the creative flip part of the concept, but by then you had dragged out the entire setup of the bar not with hard hitting flips to that personal.. But with basically filler just all to setup the final hit. So, in my opinion, youre wasting valuable time and room in your verse where you could be flipping these concepts constantly into other creative flips. Like let me show you a spot where you did that perfectly..
Example:
His attempt at death was really FUCKED WHEN THE KNOT BROKE; he only watches wrestling cause they JUMP FROM THE TOP ROPE!
THAT was more like what you should be doing. You introduce the personal, and then follow that up with a hard hitting line right after. That tightens the space between concepts and allows for a muchhh better and more concept filled verse as an entirety. If you did that bar I just posted, and followed this formula:
"...introduction to the personal, then hard hitting concept flip./ intro to personal or setup.. Finishing haymaker flip to overall personal./"
In the second to last line, You can switch from using oronyms or humorous lines, like that cheeseburger one etc. Just to switch it up every now and again, but I think by following that formula it will help you close the distance and cut out a loooot of that filler thats just taking up space and talking instead of hitting with personals.