First bar- setup was total filler and the wording in the setup was awkward too. HURTING MEN WITH BLOWS sounds kind of ehh. Plus "have kids SURFACE GETTING TORN" has two different tenses which fucks up the readability. Not to mention the setup is not related to the punchline in any way. The punchline in itself is kind of generic and a reach. I get it that you're battling Kid Fisto but Why would you put "fist fucked" and "stretching holes" in quotes, the comparison is hardly there. Yes holes are stretched when you fist fuck someone but that's an obvious comparison and not a complex one. Wording and execution in the punch and the build up is sloppy too. In fact there is no build up to the punch, it seems as if the punch is just put in there randomly.
Second bar- I liked how you kept the setup relevant with the main punchline throughout and props for managing to tie in a relevant idiom in there as well. I just felt that the "smoke a J" bit was out of place. I think this bar was creative. I get the "over the bar/higher than playground equipment" analogy you tried there which in my opinion was out of the box. The punch didn't hit quite as hard but I really liked your concept and the way you executed it with clean wording.
Third bar- the gunplay in the setup with the "lead bang ya" was straight filler and didn't contribute to the main punchline. I make it that you were battling Savage Capone and hence the nameplay? I thought that the Gangster concept/nameplay idea was a very obvious one especially against a dude with Capone in his name. Plus the flip on the Savage part of his name was basic. Because I felt the "randy savage-macho man" was a straight out basic comparison without any complexity. Plus the "GOT NO FANS" bit was out of place and didn't work well as the build up to the Macho Man punch either.
Fourth Bar- I felt the bar was total filler from the start to finish. The gunplay was not needed and was immature. The wording was ok and the flow was certainly there but you were lacking the idea to work upon. The setup felt like a different bar with the same scheme due to the lack of relevancy in terms with the main punchline. The concept in the punchline wasn't crazy either. The comparison was a bit of a reach and didn't work so well according to me.
Fifth bar- Ok, so you'll "BEAT HIM CONSISTENTLY" because "school is out"? Straight filler, so just because his school is out, you'll beat him consistently? That doesn't even make sense. I felt that this bar had so much potential but it was a failed attempt at being complex. Let me break it down this way- though your build up was related to the main punchline, the connection (3 dots/dominoes I believe) is a bit obscure because you didn't mention Dominoes anywhere in the bar, not even in the setup. You just mentioned "Pizza.." which didn't do justice to the build up in my opinion as there are other pizza companies with different logos not necessarily connected with the "dots" like how dominoes is. Coming to the main punchline, I get the "bell ring/pizza delivery" connection but how does "him being in a box" connect to you delivering pizzas? Just because pizzas are in a box and are delivered DOESNT justify the concept you used. The way you worded it, it seemed as if you will leave him in a box outside his home like a Pizza Delivery guy which is laughable and makes no sense. I get the connections in the bar but as a whole, the execution of the idea and the wording of the punchline is skewed at best.
Sixth Bar- one of the best bars I have read so far. Everything tied in perfectly with each other, the 3:16/stone cold reference with the gunplay punchline related to the cans Austin opens in the ring was commendable. Not only the setup but the build up was relevant to the punchline as well. And a double ended multi to top it off, great job.
Seventh bar- the whole "rep...park" line was filler and not needed and I felt that you just added it there just because it fit the rhyme scheme. Ice Princess/legs frozen apart reference was a bit too basic. I don't get why you guys put basic references in quotes when the comparisons are straightforward and basic and require no hard thinking. The punch was not related to the setup and the build up and was just randomly introduced. I felt that the punch was funny but it lacked the sting and didn't hit hard for me. What I mean to say is that it lacked a certain concept or an analogy or an idea to base the punchline upon. It was a straight basic funny statement rather than a "battle punchline" in my opinion.
Eighth bar- the wording in the setup was sloppy in terms of the wordplay. And it didn't read well because the wordplay only works one way grammatically and sounds awkward if read the other way round. Other than that, I like the fact that you put much thought into the nameplay in the build up to the punch. I get the Shirley Agnes reference and I also liked how you framed the punch with the "humor is old, bitch" tied in with the Shirley Agnes reference but I felt that the punch didn't hit quite as hard, the concept was definitely creative but the punch didn't hit hard in my opinion. Like I said, I like your creativity and the thought you put into the bar but I felt that the punch was kind of average.
MVGT- Bar 6 for a better overall bar, much better setups and build ups and punchline. Liked the fact how the bar was framed from start to finish with little to no filler.
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