[Student]

Originally Posted by Far Out KawnceptZ

The hands of greed, reaching for more even
if we’re up to our fingers because enough has no meaning
Poor people have seen this before, it’s pure evil
It’s similar or equal, to war with your species

Fights over dollars and coins, hollerin’ noise
We’re rich, with an option of choice, so
We’ll probably pocket each tip like some
Naughty bus-boy after we cause a decoy

Mm.

We love more, we love extra, we love
Lovin’ it all without the pressure, of being in love
With ourselves but with more, we cheat on life
With more so much how do we sleep at night
With more sleeping around like a whore
As cheap as it sounds, more can’t afford to keep us around
for sure, so before our corpses meet underground
Will more become a bore when greed’s running out
And can’t even amount to what we need
To the point where it bleeds out the pores and floods the sea
Of love for more until it breaches ashore
And hands erupts from the sand reachin’ for more
than just more, for life, ‘cause our boat couldn’t keep us
Aboard, while it sinks to the floor

We realized our boat was greed.
And how we kept ourselves afloat, so are we.

I liked your overall concepts but I felt like your message wasn't clearly defined. I felt like you've could've conveyed it with more complex and less abstract lines. Greed is always a good message to write about though.

Originally Posted by Esso

The forefathers of a nation, the first to find a better way
they paid the cost til they were spent and we're reminded every day
In our minds, forever great but at times, we're led astray
and conveniently forget how many tribes were dead and slain
Now..What type of men were they? Did they put lives ahead of gain
Even though they swore they only lived for Christ and Heaven's Sake
Just disguised, pathetic fakes, left their wake and half a race was gone
it was all about the paper they would later have their faces on
Of course, these men were bold...lies? scores of them were sold
to make them legends, always integral...immortals in the fold
But in the stories that were told it was forgotten to mention
where these misguided souls claim they got their direction
whoever taught them their lessons left an honest impression
cuz even God in the heavens always wants a percentage
One nation under him? Well, at least, that's what most believe
fill his plate while they go hungry, wow, the blessed are so deceived
We all gettin no reprieve, I wish I'd met who sowed the seed
because the root of all evil dont seem to ever grow on trees
The walking dead, or so it seems it can make us into slaves, its true
keepin focus, seeming hopeless when the sane amongst the crazed are few
Just sayin, theyre just sayings but we can take it from cliches for proof
it aint a big secret...you can't take it to your grave with you

Overall I felt like while it did have it's flaws it was a pretty vivid piece. I agree with Insup, I would've like to see some more metaphors. I liked the message but it also could've been more clearly defined, felt like the whole message was pretty broad and would've liked to see you focus on one subject rather then a different assortment that stemmed off each other.

Overall: I liked both pieces but I felt like one painted a better picture and had a better approach to telling a story. They can both improve but they both show good promise towards topicals. I would've liked to see both focus on one subject as well, I feel like they both were very broad about interpreting what the picture could be about. Good reads though, good job fellas.

Winner: Esso.

[Student]

Originally Posted by Far Out KawnceptZ

The hands of greed, reaching for more even
if we’re up to our fingers because enough has no meaning
Poor people have seen this before, it’s pure evil
It’s similar or equal, to war with your species

Fights over dollars and coins, hollerin’ noise
We’re rich, with an option of choice, so
We’ll probably pocket each tip like some
Naughty bus-boy after we cause a decoy

Mm.

We love more, we love extra, we love
Lovin’ it all without the pressure, of being in love
With ourselves but with more, we cheat on life
With more so much how do we sleep at night
With more sleeping around like a whore
As cheap as it sounds, more can’t afford to keep us around
for sure, so before our corpses meet underground
Will more become a bore when greed’s running out
And can’t even amount to what we need
To the point where it bleeds out the pores and floods the sea
Of love for more until it breaches ashore
And hands erupts from the sand reachin’ for more
than just more, for life, ‘cause our boat couldn’t keep us
Aboard, while it sinks to the floor

We realized our boat was greed.
And how we kept ourselves afloat, so are we.

I liked your overall concepts but I felt like your message wasn't clearly defined. I felt like you've could've conveyed it with more complex and less abstract lines. Greed is always a good message to write about though.

Originally Posted by Esso

The forefathers of a nation, the first to find a better way
they paid the cost til they were spent and we're reminded every day
In our minds, forever great but at times, we're led astray
and conveniently forget how many tribes were dead and slain
Now..What type of men were they? Did they put lives ahead of gain
Even though they swore they only lived for Christ and Heaven's Sake
Just disguised, pathetic fakes, left their wake and half a race was gone
it was all about the paper they would later have their faces on
Of course, these men were bold...lies? scores of them were sold
to make them legends, always integral...immortals in the fold
But in the stories that were told it was forgotten to mention
where these misguided souls claim they got their direction
whoever taught them their lessons left an honest impression
cuz even God in the heavens always wants a percentage
One nation under him? Well, at least, that's what most believe
fill his plate while they go hungry, wow, the blessed are so deceived
We all gettin no reprieve, I wish I'd met who sowed the seed
because the root of all evil dont seem to ever grow on trees
The walking dead, or so it seems it can make us into slaves, its true
keepin focus, seeming hopeless when the sane amongst the crazed are few
Just sayin, theyre just sayings but we can take it from cliches for proof
it aint a big secret...you can't take it to your grave with you

Overall I felt like while it did have it's flaws it was a pretty vivid piece. I agree with Insup, I would've like to see some more metaphors. I liked the message but it also could've been more clearly defined, felt like the whole message was pretty broad and would've liked to see you focus on one subject rather then a different assortment that stemmed off each other.

Overall: I liked both pieces but I felt like one painted a better picture and had a better approach to telling a story. They can both improve but they both show good promise towards topicals. I would've liked to see both focus on one subject as well, I feel like they both were very broad about interpreting what the picture could be about. Good reads though, good job fellas.

Winner: Esso.