[ILLoKWENT]

aight my boi @Erupt needed a wingman on this so im happy to oblige.
@Subreal
If you see a 'Red Cross' it's from shots I-Land not a SAVING STOP FOR HAITIANS but if Manny's 'on-board' 'w/ the Arms out' he's just PLAYING OPERATION!! aight, first off, i like the short bar structure here... setup here was fairly relavent wit the whole 'vaccination concepts' , and continued well with the double meaning wit manny's arms out to recieve shots/ready to scrap. the flip tho, didnt connect well imo.. the concept was pretty open ended.. which means you couldve used a boat flip, or numerous other board games..if your dead set on using OPERATION, i suggest tuning the concept so it more directly relates to that particular game... ex. so if manny's 'on board to get picked on',then im GAME FOR OPERATION... anyway, conceptually ,operation type punches are pretty played out by now,so try to find a very clever angle phrase play to improve upon it..






Manny talks gunplay in all his bars like hes some kinda CRIMINAL CARRIER but all these threats are over a DIGITAL BARRIER so the key's Manny pushing are just like his name - FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
not feelin the first multi.. how exactly is talkin bout guns equivilent to carryin a criminal.. you can carry on as a criminal, but wording here is a bit awkward., even tho your tryin to say hes a criminal carrying a weapon... i wouldve changed it to CRIMINAL CARRYIN' CLIPS, then change the last multi to FICTIONAL CHARACTER IS... this way, your multis come out reading more fluent. im liking the personal angle in your punch but its a bit plain and statementish, yes it makes sense and the simile connects,but you need a bit more swag and style here...


Fists or Guns Manny doesn't FIGHT OR SPRAY VERY WELL, so if hes "standing up for another round" he's in LINE FOR A CAROUSEL!

nice short bar, relavence in setup is there, the concept itself, tho is another one of those open ended type phrase plays.. that could be stronger wit closer related wording.not to mention, peeps usually sit when on a carousel, rather then stand.. this is how i wouldve wrote it. how does manny wanna 'horse around wit me' ?, he cant FIGHT NOR SPRAY VERY WELL, i guess hes prolly thinkin 'some kids got his back' , takin PRIDE AS A CAROUSEL... etc... see the difference here..



But I rule this shit with an 'iron fist' i'll cause this 'DUDE'S SPLEEN TO BREAK' with blows ya can't 'stomach' that'll make YOU SCREAM IN PAIN to leave ya dead like HOUDINI'S FATE!okay setup could use a bit better wording..like the use of the 'I' and 'I'LL'.. makes the line seem like two fractured sentences , wit an abrubt stop in the middle.. it wouldve read smoother as kid, i rule wit an 'iron fist', causin 'DUDE'S SPLEENS TO BREAK' ,droppin 'blows you cant stomach', ROUTINELY NAMED as HOUDINI'S FATEpunch it self was original take on a houdini concept,


As for ladies, your whole crew helps ya "PITCH IN" WORDS CHEATER bcuz it's not "good game" how Manny "pulls them chicks" WITH HIS BIRD FEEDER! (pigeon)another simple short bar thats easy to follow, setup relates perfectly talkin about the concept which involves 'tryin to score chicks',towards the end. which was pretty funny.. the pitchin part didnt need to be quotated, cause it doesnt relate that well wit birdfeeder..i'd prolly try a 'word association' that relates to birdfeeder in the setup for this particular instance.. to explain more about his birdfeeder usage..lol punch itself had alot of potential



He's been with his girl since his"coming of age" and still hasn't POPPED HER CHERRY so he'll have to pay for 'rite of passage thru a canal' w/o a PROPER FERRY! this one was dope, imo, again the wording couldve been adjusted here, in the setup you didnt really need to have a 'coming of age', it aint really that necessary to get your point across about him not poppin his girls cherry. but i get your inclusion to connect 'rite of passage'.. you couldve prolly get even more creative by including BARMITZVAH while ON A FERRY, which wouldve tied in the 'rite of passage' even more..bottomline good bar.. simple but effective, and a few more tweaks wouldve made it hit even harder. .

You're "drowning", too bad for you I'm RUNNING A SPEED BOAT I'll have this Canadian "sleeping through the 'english channel' without TOUCHING A REMOTE!
metaphorically, the english channel pun was a decent touch, setup wise was also relavent in idea.. the only thing is the topic of him drowning kinda seems out of left field for some reason.. and out of place, strength wise, it was aight, nothing too major..




Its ova, Manny thought he owned the place like he was some kinda NEW MAJOR SETTLER but i just "erased the motherfucker from text" like a NEWSPAPER EDITOR! this one was prolly my least favorite bar.. setup wise, wasnt too relavent, you talkin bout he owned the place, but it lacked the closer relationship towards your end idea.. punch wise, it was pretty basic and predictable.. there wasnt much as far as double meanings.. erasing text, and editor is hella obvious...id prolly omit this entire bar right here...

these categories are what i used back in the day when doin breakdowns... which i feel should encompass a battle verse..

PUNCHES:6.5aight i feel you came with a decent array wit different concepts, there werent any real standouts here,and the couple that had alot of potential, just needed a bit better wording to put it closer to harderhitting

PERSONALS;2 here i feel your verse was fairly generic.. with the exception of the fictional character manny name reference, there wasnt really any other punches or disses that was relavent to your opponent.. whether its his name, his avatar, his battle style, who he lost too, etc... your verse basically couldve been thrown at anyone... in a 16 , i'd throw at least 2 or three personals at most..in between the randoms.. of course the more the better...

DELIVERY/MULTIS/FLOW/STRUCTURE:6 flow wise it was decent, good for short bar style, multis matched up as far as i could tell. of course as you get more intricate in scheme, eg. longer multi strings, inner rhymes, double or triple multis.. your score would be higher.

CREATIVITY/SWAG:6 wasnt too bad, a couple original conceptual tries.. fundamentals, was there,entertainment factor was pretty average.. but i can see your hint at humor which brought your score up a bit....




OVERALL: 5 your a very talented writer that has big potential, because you have a good idea of conceptual punches and how to incorporate them, it be a good idea to start droppin 32s to see your full range of skills(more sculpted setups, multi scheme work, etc..)i feel a little nudge in the right direction and polish would put you in the upper tier of this site, also, incorporate more personals, other than mentioning your opponents name a few times... dissing someone using personal shit, makes your bars hit even harder when done right... it was your lack of personals here that brought down your average.. otherwise it be a high 6 this time around

[ILLoKWENT]

aight my boi @Erupt needed a wingman on this so im happy to oblige.
@Subreal
If you see a 'Red Cross' it's from shots I-Land not a SAVING STOP FOR HAITIANS but if Manny's 'on-board' 'w/ the Arms out' he's just PLAYING OPERATION!! aight, first off, i like the short bar structure here... setup here was fairly relavent wit the whole 'vaccination concepts' , and continued well with the double meaning wit manny's arms out to recieve shots/ready to scrap. the flip tho, didnt connect well imo.. the concept was pretty open ended.. which means you couldve used a boat flip, or numerous other board games..if your dead set on using OPERATION, i suggest tuning the concept so it more directly relates to that particular game... ex. so if manny's 'on board to get picked on',then im GAME FOR OPERATION... anyway, conceptually ,operation type punches are pretty played out by now,so try to find a very clever angle phrase play to improve upon it..






Manny talks gunplay in all his bars like hes some kinda CRIMINAL CARRIER but all these threats are over a DIGITAL BARRIER so the key's Manny pushing are just like his name - FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
not feelin the first multi.. how exactly is talkin bout guns equivilent to carryin a criminal.. you can carry on as a criminal, but wording here is a bit awkward., even tho your tryin to say hes a criminal carrying a weapon... i wouldve changed it to CRIMINAL CARRYIN' CLIPS, then change the last multi to FICTIONAL CHARACTER IS... this way, your multis come out reading more fluent. im liking the personal angle in your punch but its a bit plain and statementish, yes it makes sense and the simile connects,but you need a bit more swag and style here...


Fists or Guns Manny doesn't FIGHT OR SPRAY VERY WELL, so if hes "standing up for another round" he's in LINE FOR A CAROUSEL!

nice short bar, relavence in setup is there, the concept itself, tho is another one of those open ended type phrase plays.. that could be stronger wit closer related wording.not to mention, peeps usually sit when on a carousel, rather then stand.. this is how i wouldve wrote it. how does manny wanna 'horse around wit me' ?, he cant FIGHT NOR SPRAY VERY WELL, i guess hes prolly thinkin 'some kids got his back' , takin PRIDE AS A CAROUSEL... etc... see the difference here..



But I rule this shit with an 'iron fist' i'll cause this 'DUDE'S SPLEEN TO BREAK' with blows ya can't 'stomach' that'll make YOU SCREAM IN PAIN to leave ya dead like HOUDINI'S FATE!okay setup could use a bit better wording..like the use of the 'I' and 'I'LL'.. makes the line seem like two fractured sentences , wit an abrubt stop in the middle.. it wouldve read smoother as kid, i rule wit an 'iron fist', causin 'DUDE'S SPLEENS TO BREAK' ,droppin 'blows you cant stomach', ROUTINELY NAMED as HOUDINI'S FATEpunch it self was original take on a houdini concept,


As for ladies, your whole crew helps ya "PITCH IN" WORDS CHEATER bcuz it's not "good game" how Manny "pulls them chicks" WITH HIS BIRD FEEDER! (pigeon)another simple short bar thats easy to follow, setup relates perfectly talkin about the concept which involves 'tryin to score chicks',towards the end. which was pretty funny.. the pitchin part didnt need to be quotated, cause it doesnt relate that well wit birdfeeder..i'd prolly try a 'word association' that relates to birdfeeder in the setup for this particular instance.. to explain more about his birdfeeder usage..lol punch itself had alot of potential



He's been with his girl since his"coming of age" and still hasn't POPPED HER CHERRY so he'll have to pay for 'rite of passage thru a canal' w/o a PROPER FERRY! this one was dope, imo, again the wording couldve been adjusted here, in the setup you didnt really need to have a 'coming of age', it aint really that necessary to get your point across about him not poppin his girls cherry. but i get your inclusion to connect 'rite of passage'.. you couldve prolly get even more creative by including BARMITZVAH while ON A FERRY, which wouldve tied in the 'rite of passage' even more..bottomline good bar.. simple but effective, and a few more tweaks wouldve made it hit even harder. .

You're "drowning", too bad for you I'm RUNNING A SPEED BOAT I'll have this Canadian "sleeping through the 'english channel' without TOUCHING A REMOTE!
metaphorically, the english channel pun was a decent touch, setup wise was also relavent in idea.. the only thing is the topic of him drowning kinda seems out of left field for some reason.. and out of place, strength wise, it was aight, nothing too major..




Its ova, Manny thought he owned the place like he was some kinda NEW MAJOR SETTLER but i just "erased the motherfucker from text" like a NEWSPAPER EDITOR! this one was prolly my least favorite bar.. setup wise, wasnt too relavent, you talkin bout he owned the place, but it lacked the closer relationship towards your end idea.. punch wise, it was pretty basic and predictable.. there wasnt much as far as double meanings.. erasing text, and editor is hella obvious...id prolly omit this entire bar right here...

these categories are what i used back in the day when doin breakdowns... which i feel should encompass a battle verse..

PUNCHES:6.5aight i feel you came with a decent array wit different concepts, there werent any real standouts here,and the couple that had alot of potential, just needed a bit better wording to put it closer to harderhitting

PERSONALS;2 here i feel your verse was fairly generic.. with the exception of the fictional character manny name reference, there wasnt really any other punches or disses that was relavent to your opponent.. whether its his name, his avatar, his battle style, who he lost too, etc... your verse basically couldve been thrown at anyone... in a 16 , i'd throw at least 2 or three personals at most..in between the randoms.. of course the more the better...

DELIVERY/MULTIS/FLOW/STRUCTURE:6 flow wise it was decent, good for short bar style, multis matched up as far as i could tell. of course as you get more intricate in scheme, eg. longer multi strings, inner rhymes, double or triple multis.. your score would be higher.

CREATIVITY/SWAG:6 wasnt too bad, a couple original conceptual tries.. fundamentals, was there,entertainment factor was pretty average.. but i can see your hint at humor which brought your score up a bit....




OVERALL: 5 your a very talented writer that has big potential, because you have a good idea of conceptual punches and how to incorporate them, it be a good idea to start droppin 32s to see your full range of skills(more sculpted setups, multi scheme work, etc..)i feel a little nudge in the right direction and polish would put you in the upper tier of this site, also, incorporate more personals, other than mentioning your opponents name a few times... dissing someone using personal shit, makes your bars hit even harder when done right... it was your lack of personals here that brought down your average.. otherwise it be a high 6 this time around