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2013 GC RD.4 Phroxen Vs. Mcjewfro(Mcjewfro Wins 3-0)
Phroxen Vs Mcjewfro This topical is part of the 2013 Topical Grand Championship Rules Verses are due Sunday, January 5th 2014. Verses are to be posted in THIS thread. There are NO EXTENSIONS. Verses must be 40-50 lines long. Vote deductions will happen for people going over. Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5. Topic http://2photo.ru/uploads/posts/4268/...63_greno89.jpg |
Depression: Empathy v. Disgust
Empathy She felt a disgrace.. a staggered pattern with a Celtic embrace.. smelt is the taste.. bruised aluminum fused to her melanin shade. egg shell relishes praise.. plus gusts bereft of reddish or beige. left and right go in stride; coincide like an elephant's gate. That means the sight won't quite match. Rhinestone eye patch.. Cyclops to a double blind rhyme match.. cyclone-size fast. Seismograph is Hydro-climactic, water colored other Mario Brother. opposite notes to a composite approach of the Atari glow color. Smothered brush strokes dance in the distance; she panics with tension.. both hands have submitted, clamped against the damage within it. The half-checkered clasped sweater lacks ambidexterity.. a dis-conjoined twin with past laughs & plans to jest merrily. & a sutured loosened knot.. profusely exudes human rot.. fuchsia knocks at her joints inviting typhoons of lurid thoughts. Chartreuse & charmed youth isn't on the medulla's menu.. It's consumed with sinful venues & you can assume the rent's due. The light switch produces shadows.. no filament fillin it. Her kilobits shutdown.. darkness comes 'round.. insipidness: imminent. A prism absent balance.. her chalice filled with sadness.. ..yet still half empty; with a side order of impending malice. Disgust Look, basically I'm saying she's fucking depressed. I mean, look at her.. she's got absolutely nothing for chest.. Her natural skin tone is muddy as best.. & it looks like she dumpster dove just to call something a dress. Right arm lookin like gangrene.. emphasis on the green. Hair's slimy enough to function a griddle with all the grease. If a picture's worth 1000 words.. & money talks shit when it's off its leash, this bitch should just honestly buy a Polaroid & shift the economy. You're broke, hoe. Broke in every fashion of the word. Any attempt to be fly ends up as a massacre of birds. you can't change; you'll always have a stature in the dirt.. Even tried to take a look at you with glasses & it's worse. Your fuckin shoulders are sharp & bony.. body odor of raw bologna.. Aww, you're lonely? Wanna trophy? Nah, jabronie.. all you hear is "gargle/blow me". |
Repressed Memories
Another day passes as I’m cursed to this cell Eventually I’m sure that I’ll melt in this personal hell Rest assured, just as well that I don’t get nervous and dwell The more I think of horrid things the more it seems the Thorazine is worthless, can’t tell But if they served it to help then it ain’t servin’ its purpose that well I used to have a mum and daddy We had our ups and downs, but all around a loving family Sure, they got mad, but never treated me rough or badly Till one day there struck a tragedy. I got up, did my hair Pondered what to wear, not even aware of the consequent despair But I fought for breath and air as I looked at the bottom of the stairs... Time flies here, I can’t remember the days Everything up to age ten’s been erased I was cruisin’ through life until I fell on my face Recallin’ home, I’m all alone, I have no friends in this place I’m kept in a cage, yellin’ with rage at plain walls, yellowish-beige What can a girl do? I was left to create a method to face all the death and the pain Left in the wake, I invented some mates and pretended their names were Emma and Jane My ever-questioning brain asked, "Can you tell I'm insane?" I saw their bodies lifeless, started falling silent I caught my breath, the cause of death seemed awfully violent Started cryin’, never called the cops but I should prob’ly try it Softly dialin’, I tried talking quiet but something was hurtin’ me The line picked up, “911, what’s your emergency?” “I was g-getting up for school...there’s a bloody pool...can you come and, um, hurry please? I’m cryin’ still, they say that I might be ill The bitch nurse feeds me big words and tiny pills Even then I hear whiny shrills, my spine is filled with icy chills They confine me till I block out the shit that they said I’m sittin’ in bed as I listen, lament them as they tell me I’m sick in the head You would be too if your parents’ throats had been slit and they bled till they ended up dead The cops burst in my door, there was blood on my hands Saw a government man, would’ve stood up as I ran Except that I tripped, leapt as I slipped, too clumsy to stand Had nothing else planned, and they brought me in for questionin’ They washed me up and wanted stuff like if I’d caught anyone enterin’, The answer’s no, but any harshly written testament From a sobbin’ little yellin’ kid who’s not even eleven yet, prob’ly isn’t relevant... My heart is a mess, I’m partly depressed Actin’ a victim, I have some condition that starts with an “S” It’s not scarlet but yet it feels like it’s marked on my chest I collapse in a panic. Who’d be sick enough to take lives? They have the killer’s handprints imprinted on the steak knives... Now I see their killer clear and feel woefully stupid I turn away from the mirror, wishing the voice in my ear hadn’t told me to do it. |
All I can say about this topical battle is.... Wow. Both had absolutely amazing imagery and fluidity with their pieces. However, I do have my winner based on who I felt had a clearer, cleaner build up with their plot. Props to both for making it here though.
MVGT: @mcjewfro |
Can't vote, Mcjewfro is in <Dojo>... Dope drops though
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@ELOH_STACKz You can vote on topical battles if they're in the same crew. I've done it before.
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GREAT TOPICAL!
Phoxen - Truly great use of color vocabulary and descriptive language based on observation. The contrast between the sections was well executed. I enjoyed getting to see the word Jabronie used, XD. But on a serious note, I feel this would have been a bit stronger with more narrative as oppose to remaining focused on the judgement of the image and its character from a first person perspective. This was a unique interpretation executed with skill, making an enjoyable read to say the least. Very poetic. McJewFro - Went with the more traditional topical narrative style with great success. I felt the interpretation of the image's female character as in despair and mentally ill was well done, with the drabness of the image analogous to a mental hospital setting. The exploration of the subject's past trauma was appropriately captivating. I felt the twist at the end was very well executed. Also, the Scarlet Letter / Schizophrenia reference was interesting and well utilized. One thing, where the hell is this chick getting proscribed Thorazine?! Mexico? XD They stopped using that in U.S. psychiatry for the most part, but it is available in Mexico quite easily. Oh, anti-psychotics how they make you dull and crap your pants… not that I would know…. I was proscribed mood stabilizers. MVGT: @mcjewfro , for just edging it with the well executed narrative style story. On the other hand, Phroxen could have taken this with a bit more narrative due to his awesome language use and descriptions. I suggest both writers learn from their opponents strength. You both have unique styles and skills. Thanks for sharing these pieces! Both deserve to win, but I gotta be all critical and shit. FAIR VOTE IN …. PM for more vote expo if desired. -FREAK- |
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I read this several times.. over a course of a few days.. This was a amazing battle imo.. Both conveying their image well. One usin a very poetic, well worded, non traditional approach.. The imagery was present and the flow was top notch.. the vocab was untouchable.. but it demands a reread from the average reader.. alot goin over heads on the first read.. I wouldve loved if you had taken a more narrative approach... . while the other kept it traditional and very lyrical.. A wonderful mixture of poem and verse.. The story was a great read, and flowed nicely.. Loved the plot.. Who doesnt love a crazy chick story.. haha.. Very narrative, and presented a nice image... This was the better of the two, imo.. So...
MVGT: @mcjewfro Great entries guys... @Enfinite |
Upping for formatting.
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