Falling Apart
 

If you were to ask a couple months ago on how I'm doing...I would tell you about the dreams that I'm pursuing...the lifestyle that I'm viewing, & mention a lot of the girl that I was screwing...And it really sounded like I got my life on track, even though I didn't bother to write some raps, shit was fine, I didn't have to Fight & Smack, every bitch in the motherfucking Sight I had...Then, the bitch just Flipped the Script, started sleeping around, turned herself into a Hypocrite, now all she does is Grip the Dick, of random motherfuckers, can you see my dissidence? My negativity, when I tell you that I'm sick & you pretend to give a shit, do you realize why I'm pissed, bitch, I'll make you a shit a brick...Your friends, would always say that I'm a Waste of Time, that in 5 years they could see me about to Taste the Nine, but I turned it around, no longer have a Taste for Crime. You stuck w/ me, even with my Hated mind. Through all the drama & the stress, & now you wanna walk around saying I'm not Blessed? I should've been dead, from the Trauma, Yes. So instead of talking shit just let my Commas Rest...

FeeedBackkk please.

that was dope man. Very heartfelt, well written, and emotional. I can relate so it had extra impact for me,. . .thats just another sign of it being well written.

Good verse bro it was nicely written and showed some emotion.

I suggest adding a pic to give more relevance and direction to your piece.

The meaning was there but didn't exactly pin point where it was going

Not bad, just suggest more details, in more than one way

i.e.- A Picture. Adding more description: More vivid words, using better vernacular to expand on those topics of pain and angst in your life..

My 2 cents/

:high:

Lol, thanks eth, but it's different when I do know she cheated...haha, but yea, I'll take your advice.

Lmaooooooo.......now it can't end like that, xD

Ok, you began with some real life stuff. It's easy to relate too, but it's been done before. Dreams, girl, yada yada yada. You know? It flowed well and stuff but nothing too fresh. Next, the topic is starting to form. We begin to see it's about a girl. A lot of stuff has been written about women cheating but if performed well, it can be dope... We'll see how it goes... Ehh. Just average. The threatening and stuff is just nothing spectacular. It's been done before, you know? The flow is nice though. The rest of it is just alright too. Nothing great. The ending was lacking... No real story took form. It wasn't a satisfying ending.

Overall, the piece is just average. The topic wasn't too fresh or unique, but you did ok with it. The flow was the best part of it. The rhyme scheme was nice too. There just wasn't that much story to it and didn't come to a good closure. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd give it a 7. Hope I helped some...

At Parts It Was Good But The Whole "Rap Talk" That EtH Was Talking About It Made It Seem Very Childish And Your Whole View On The Subject Got Torn Apart At That Point. Don't Get It Twisted Though, It's Fine To Cuss BUT You've Got To Have A Purpose For It Beyond Explaining A Situation, Like Try To Be More Verbal Like Instead Of:
"turned herself into a Hypocrite, now all she does is Grip the Dick, of random motherfuckers, can you see my dissidence?"
I'd Say It Like:
"She turned into a hypocrite, all she does is slip on dicks just for the fun of it...selfish bitch...yet I love her but I could never trust her, I can just feel the filth whenever I hug her, it's so sick, now can you see my dissidence?"

IDK Take It For What It's Worth.

Thank you so much for the feedback.