| Krhyme Killz |
03-23-2012 02:58 PM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Student
(Post 770215)
what's with all the GORE N' BLOOD SHIT? it just proves that your of no use, another BORING DUMB BITCH your a fat nerdy muhfucka how would you even start imPLORING SLUGS QUICK? haha for those foolish bars and stretch scars I'll keep you hanging "Over Wait/Weight In Line For A Sticking" like big WHORES IN CLUBS BITCH!!
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started off straight man...IMPLORING SLUGS QUICK sounds awkward to me..and yes i know what 'imploring' means lol...the length between the last two multi sets need to have either another multi....or an inner rhyme scheme. its a little stretched out there. the wordplay doesnt jive with me homie...it has to work very smoothly in both phrases for it to be worth using. it comes off forced..for instance...you wouldnrt say "hanging over wait in line for a sticking"...tbh i wouldnt say hanging overweight in line for a sticking either'...i see where you were going with the punch..but the execution was off... be careful about using wordplay....not too many people do it well, and there arent too too many fresh ones that i see anymore...its almost not worth the risk unless its guaranteed fresh
---------- Post added at 02:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:51 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by PheoNix
(Post 770217)
some shit i used in a battle right now tho it a snipe...I know your honest so give feedback and say what you would rate this I guess a 4,5...
The Only Time This Dude Masturbate When He "CUM IN HIS THROAT"So Why Would Anyone Give This "SCUM A DAMN VOTE"?Can Someone Explain To Me What This "CHUMP HAVE DROPPED"?This Dude Is Gangsta?He Is "JUMPING ON COPS"?Lies Cause Everyone Knows This Faggot Would "FLUMP AND THROB"And The Only Time This Dude "PUMPS AND FLOPS"When He Is "DICKRIDING"!I'm On My Hype I'm "PRICK SNIPING"Killing Rookies With My "SICK TYPING"And This Gay Dude "CHICK PIPING"?Fuck No He should "STICK GRIPING"Cocks Cause Everyone knows He Sucks At RAPPING Fuck this shit I bet This "BITCH BITING"
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first and foremost...gay shit doesnt usually fly yo...it better be clever or funny...but that opening line is just downright gay and foul lol..second multi set is technically a match, but when read, it doesnt quite flow as well as it could...second multi scheme is off a syllable..and i'm not sure what 'jumping on cops' means...then next few multies seem very out of place and the wording is awkward at best...'chick piping' and 'stick griping' dont rhyme at all...closer was a let down.
homie...ya main issue is that your structure is off...be sure to match all those multies well, and make sure that you are saying something..meaning advance the verse with every multie you use..you got kinda mired in vague insults and never really got to a punch here. when you first start...its best to have maybe one concept to open with..then work off of that multi set or that concept...this seemed aimless and needed some direction...
hope that helps fam |
