Feedback thread.
 

I'll use this in future. Thanks! The PM was really useful! That was a complete Wip Verse though.

REVERSE!

Your turn to get critiqued Crysis

In the words of allboro

"Its no question you buns cuz like a big booty bitch I could see u ass from a mile away"

Cool beans.

A quick practice one...

im getting a 'big head' cos my name's gettin BIGGER I'll have this 'pig bled' when I pull on a TRIGGER...

I do that aswell, I also have some dudes who've added me on skype & I help in PM's. I just wanted another thread to put in my sig and to continue helping dudes elevate.

http://www.letsbeef.com/cypher_detai...on=tb&id=63817

Dope shit got slept on heavy.. If you don't mind, check out that cypher..

One/two syllable multi's are far too basic to use against any formidable opponent, not to mention the lack of a punchline or wordplay. On the scale of multi's, which is what you've PM'd me about, this rhymed of course, but two syllable multi's are a bit too basic to use. The internal rhyme you had upped the complexity of the bar, but you should do something like:

im getting a 'big head' cos my NAMES GETTIN' BIGGER I'll have this 'pig bled' cus' this LAME BITCH IS BITTER so this 'kids dead' when I AIM WITH THE TRIGGER...

then you'd add a punchline or what-not but realistically you should start with a concept for your punchline first then build the rest of the bar off of that. Lets take a bar I just wrote for example. I thought of the punchline "you wouldn't have "lions" in your "circle" in a ROMAN ARENA (Gladiators used to fight lions in said arenas). Then I built this punchline based off of that:

I'm a CHAUVINIST REAPER with a mask on, HOLDIN' A HEATER & lettin' off shots til' I'm SOAKIN YA T-SHIRT, I'll place a knife to your throat and laugh as I POKE THE SHIT DEEPER, I'm a tyrant so all my dawgs loyal like GOLDEN RETRIEVERS, I'm God in the flesh so I don't have VOTERS & READERS, I'm MOLDIN' BELIEVERS when I'm HOLDIN' THIS CLEAVER because Cry's a dragon in the ring like LYOTO MACHIDA. Nationwide blackouts happen when I FLOW THROUGH YA SPEAKERS because you wouldn't have lions in your circle in ROMAN ARENAS!

So basically, if you start with the punchline first you could get the things you need to make a whole hard hitting bar off of it. Get back at me with some more stuff though mate.

---------- Post added at 04:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:36 PM ----------

Writing it up now.

Only problem is the word 'bitch' in there? Am I right? From what you said earlier bitch shouldnt be in there?

Also the t-shirt line shouldnt be in your verse?

Did you do this on purpose to see if I would pick up on it?

---------- Post added at 05:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:14 PM ----------

Have this guy 'jacked up' I got GROOVY WINNER BARS he'll be leavin 'gassed up' like Gremlins in MOVIE CINEMAS!

Niggas Sneak Dissin Versace..

Forgive me fam.

---------- Post added at 06:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:09 PM ----------

I have no clue what you're talking about in the beginning of that comment lmao, please elaborate because I'm confused as fuck.

As for that bar, I can see you're improving and I'm glad you're branching out into more complex multi's. You got the first part perfect with GROOVY/MOVIE but WINNER BARS and CINEMAS don't really rhyme well. Though you are getting a lot closer, I'm going to start throwing some multi's at you. Try to create some bars off of them and add at LEAST 2 multi's to the ones I already provide. It doesn't need a punch or anything, this is purely to elevate your multi skills.

I'm a ROGUE SAVAGE, CLOSED CASKET when I TOE TAG HIM... (Finish this bar, add at least two more multis that rhyme with Rogue Savage/Closed Casket/Toe Tag Him. Or not if you just don't want to, that's fine too.)

I got FLOWS AV'RAGE but finding this one quite hard tbh

---------- Post added at 04:50 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:30 AM ----------

This BRO'S HAD IT he just FLOWS AV'RAGE he a 'brave man' but i'll have him in CLOSED CASKETS when I TOE TAG HIM like a 'randy cave man' im a ROGUE SAVAGE!!!

@Crysis school me nigga!

Sorry for the delay fam, had a BUNCH of shit to do last 2 days.

This BRO'S HAD IT he just FLOWS AV'RAGE he a 'brave man' but i'll have him in CLOSED CASKETS when I TOE TAG HIM like a 'randy cave man' im a ROGUE SAVAGE!!!

Cool, you didn't have to add a punchline or anything this was more just a display of multi's but that wasn't bad at all. The key to formulating strong multi's (in my opinion) is making sure your syllables match and making sure most of your bars are over 4 syllable multi's. I advise you just think of random words just like CLOSED CASKET and just create a list of multi's based off of the original word. The AC's have forum games about this so if you want to start that in your crew I'm sure it would help. Just think of a relatively large in syllable count word and string multi's off of them. For example:

EARTHQUAKES IN ITALY (original word)

WORDPLAY & SIMILIES
WORST DAY I KILL EMCEES
BURBANK TO BRITIANS STREETS
SERVE GAYS WITH IMAGRY
HERBS FACED THE TRINITY

etc, etc. When you do this enough you'll be able to get higher and higher syllable counts and in no time will be able to effortlessly think of multi's as soon as a word comes to your mind.
Feel free to post things whenever, update me on your progress fam.

I got one for that!

WORST DAY IN HISTORY

Also this is a small fragment of a test verse im working on...

My blood runs hotter than 'tea kettles' and words hit like TORNADOS! I'll pump you full of lead till you 'bleed metals' worse than VOLCANOS! So you think your a COOL RAPPER? Nah more like a POO PACKER! Ya too slow in this game me im like SCHUMACHER!

Yup! Fits perfectly.

The beginning bar's multi was broken. Let's break this down syllable wise to check out if it rhymes perfectly or not (If you can't tell from just sounding it out). TOR-NA-DOS/VOL-CA-NOS. Se how NA/CA and DOS/NOS rhyme but TOR/VOL doesn't? That renders this multi broken, or not rhymable. The next bar was alright multi wise but COOL RAPPER/POO PACKER/SCHUMACHER are only 3 syllables, so it's nothing great. Also, you have the tiniest bit of a break in the multi with "COOL" because it doesn't rhyme with POO/SCHU, but I doubt anyone will give you any grief over that because it's so miniscule.

Damn this multi shit is hard work! See any 'normal' person would see tornados and volcanos as rhyming words but by breaking it down I can see what your saying...they aren't!

---------- Post added at 04:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:21 PM ----------

Also whats the deal with LB and near rhymes? I mean in the rap world they are used all the time yet people on here HATE THEM?!

I've noticed that too, and to be honest I have no clue why they're so frowned upon. I have an OCD type thing with rhymes though if it doesn't fit perfectly I have to scrap it lol. Just wait until you get to the point where you can't look at shit irl without thinking of 80 different rhymes off of it. I can't even look at a fucking stop sign without thinking "POP NINES/COP DIES/STOP LIVES/SHOCK GUYS/etc".

Thats Eminem syndrome right there lol

---------- Post added at 05:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:20 PM ----------

And you just given me some ideas for a verse lol

Awesome, drop it in here once you're finished if you'd like:D

Leave Your 'LINES-VAPORED' , Body CLIPPED-N-STABBED Cuz Your 'punchlines' Like SCIENCE-PAPERS, They're FILLED-WITH-BLANKS!!

Ignorance pardoned lol