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Execute 02-03-2014 11:53 AM
Leave Your 'LINES-VAPORED' , Body CLIPPED-N-STABBED Cuz Your 'punchlines' Like SCIENCE-PAPERS, They're FILLED-WITH-BLANKS!!

Babylon 02-03-2014 12:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ||EXECUTE|| (Post 993889)
Leave Your 'LINES-VAPORED' , Body CLIPPED-N-STABBED Cuz Your 'punchlines' Like SCIENCE-PAPERS, They're FILLED-WITH-BLANKS!!
Looks like your only problem is very minor syllable placement. "LINES-VA-PORED" is three syllables while "SCI-ENCE-PA-PERS" is four. They would be a perfect rhyme if you would edit the multi to something like "Your LINES ARE VAPORED" because adding that "are" as a filler makes the first one four syllables, thus making the multi match syllable wise and grammatically.

"CLIPPED-N-STABBED" and "FILLED WITH BLANKS" are both four syllables, but there's a rhyming issue. "CLIPPED" and "FILLED" rhyme (Well, kind of) and "N" and "WITH" rhyme but those are more or less filler words, so that doesn't mater much but "STABBED" and "BLANKS" don't rhyme at all. (Maybe with your accent though, pardon my ignorance)

Rhymes of "BLANKS": TANKS, SHANKS, RANKS, FLANKS.

Rhymes of STABBED: CRABS, MAD, BAD, FLABS.

See how none of those rhymes for each word rhyme with each other? When that happens, it's a clear indication that what you have is a broken multi. The punch itself was, while poorly executed & the tiniest bit basic not bad. Looks like you just need some help with syllable counts/multi structuring and you'll be set. Go ahead and post some more though so I can get a better feel on your issues and strengths.

Execute 02-03-2014 12:41 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crysis (Post 993904)
Looks like your only problem is very minor syllable placement. "LINES-VA-PORED" is three syllables while "SCI-ENCE-PA-PERS" is four. They would be a perfect rhyme if you would edit the multi to something like "Your LINES ARE VAPORED" because adding that "are" as a filler makes the first one four syllables, thus making the multi match syllable wise and grammatically.

"CLIPPED-N-STABBED" and "FILLED WITH BLANKS" are both four syllables, but there's a rhyming issue. "CLIPPED" and "FILLED" rhyme (Well, kind of) and "N" and "WITH" rhyme but those are more or less filler words, so that doesn't mater much but "STABBED" and "BLANKS" don't rhyme at all. (Maybe with your accent though, pardon my ignorance)

Rhymes of "BLANKS": TANKS, SHANKS, RANKS, FLANKS.

Rhymes of STABBED: CRABS, MAD, BAD, FLABS.

See how none of those rhymes for each word rhyme with each other? When that happens, it's a clear indication that what you have is a broken multi. The punch itself was, while poorly executed & the tiniest bit basic not bad. Looks like you just need some help with syllable counts/multi structuring and you'll be set. Go ahead and post some more though so I can get a better feel on your issues and strengths.
Ignorance pardoned lol


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