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- - Dr. Killz (https://www.letsbeef.com/forums/showthread.php?t=112926)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Itz Killz (Post 770236)

started off straight man...IMPLORING SLUGS QUICK sounds awkward to me..and yes i know what 'imploring' means lol...the length between the last two multi sets need to have either another multi....or an inner rhyme scheme. its a little stretched out there. the wordplay doesnt jive with me homie...it has to work very smoothly in both phrases for it to be worth using. it comes off forced..for instance...you wouldnrt say "hanging over wait in line for a sticking"...tbh i wouldnt say hanging overweight in line for a sticking either'...i see where you were going with the punch..but the execution was off... be careful about using wordplay....not too many people do it well, and there arent too too many fresh ones that i see anymore...its almost not worth the risk unless its guaranteed fresh

---------- Post added at 02:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:51 PM ----------

first and foremost...gay shit doesnt usually fly yo...it better be clever or funny...but that opening line is just downright gay and foul lol..second multi set is technically a match, but when read, it doesnt quite flow as well as it could...second multi scheme is off a syllable..and i'm not sure what 'jumping on cops' means...then next few multies seem very out of place and the wording is awkward at best...'chick piping' and 'stick griping' dont rhyme at all...closer was a let down.

homie...ya main issue is that your structure is off...be sure to match all those multies well, and make sure that you are saying something..meaning advance the verse with every multie you use..you got kinda mired in vague insults and never really got to a punch here. when you first start...its best to have maybe one concept to open with..then work off of that multi set or that concept...this seemed aimless and needed some direction...

hope that helps fam

It Really Helps Lol I'ama Copy and paste this on my computer to keep this shit in mind :D

they're dope...i use them in my music...but if you do it...it should probably be more than just one syllable in text because it can be difficult to pick up on without having more of a scheme than just one syllable..ya dig>?

Its 2012 but ya punches LAME & AVE'RAGE STILL?? the only difference is now you say you AIM A GAT AND PEEL so since this "Small Fry Gotta Toy Now" i guess he beCAME A HAPPY MEAL!! cmonn dont SAY YOU CLAPPIN STEEL cuz he AINT AS HALF AS REAL as he CLAIMIN & FORREAL i wouldnt be in a "Box Off His Hit" w/ the GREATEST ACTING SKILL!! (Box Office Hit)

Quote:

Originally Posted by RULE (Post 770325)

that shit huff yo...

lol...

obviously a solid and well put together concept..only thing maybe is to emphasize that you are REITERATING that he aint clappin nothing. if the reader doesnt get that...it may seem like you are just saying it twice....although i get that you are emphasizing shit...maybe like, "..HAPPY MEAL!!...once again dont SAY YOU.."

small shit i know lol...but it could help

Quote:

Originally Posted by Itz Killz (Post 770330)

Nah thanks for real its easy to forget lil bits of wording that polishes it off.

......pause on "polishes it off"...lol...and no doubt

homie we known each other since the CLASSICK DAYS.. all love, but if you start actin MAD & HATE? "1 on 1" I'll bring the "Heat To The Table" & "Light Up When We Alone" like roMANTIC DATES!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by AfterThought (Post 770341)

homie we known each other since the CLASSICK DAYS.. all love, but if you start actin MAD & HATE? "1 on 1" I'll bring the "Heat To The Table" & "Light Up When We Alone" like roMANTIC DATES!!!

ok ok....i think what sticks out here is that you may want stick to just 2 double entendres...since having the 3 there kinda stretched the bar...concept was solid though.. execution was a lil off...but not bad. ..the 'heat to the table' part is a lil off too...as i dont think people call lighters 'heat'

Complexity?! He's gone too far... on each HORIZON OF NATIONS, can someone ARISE N TRANSLATE HIM?! Skilli must be *Insane* to "Test Steez/Testes Of A God", he'd have better success with POSEIDON'S CASTRATION! But what's this jibber-jabber? I'm expecting some white-coats to ARRIVE N STRAP-TAPE HIM, so he can go "Talk to All His Hoes" at the ASYLUM'S PLANTATION!!! Y'all visit him tryna find the vaGINAS OF PITCHFORKS: Ain't nothin but a tool-fucker or one of Charlie's Angels, seein as he gets LINES FOR A BITCH-CAUSE: Everyone talks 'bout Skilli's textbox being a future threat? But all I see is a "Pussy Stretch Punches" like DYKES IN A FIST WAR!!! So carry on chatting shit, those "Actions'll Get You Grounded Quick" like you're MIMING A RIPCORD: Your text-shit has been bested, watch this scum go HIDE IN A DISHCLOTH, he's in a "Lower Domain", in need of a bigger "Line-for-Line Breakdown" than a SITE W/ A GLITCHED PORT(ww2) - Sheeez! You know that expo would end with a "Bigger List of Things to Kill Off" than KIKES ON A CLIPBOARD!!!

Middle section of my 32 against Skilligan:
(http://www.letsbeef.com/battle_detai...n=tb&id=432470)

---------- Post added at 12:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:52 AM ----------

Much appreciated bro. I want another battle with you. I'm 1-0 up atm. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Itz Killz (Post 770314)

I Feel Like It Would Be Too Long No?