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  #1  
Unread 07-22-2013, 03:43 PM
Black Book
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,432
Mentioned: 963 Post(s)
Tagged: 33 Thread(s)
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Estimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
145 Won / 55 Lost
Exclusive Text Record
6 Won / 3 Lost
Default Black Book vs. HaRizon - (Black Book Wins 5-1)

Topical Battle


Black Book vs. HaRizon


Topic




Deadline: Three Days From Now
Line Limit: No More Than 60 Lines
Voting: First To 5 Votes or 3-0 K.O.

Good luck @HaRizon
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Unread 07-22-2013, 03:43 PM   #1
 
Black Book
Estimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
145 Won / 55 Lost
Exclusive Text Record
6 Won / 3 Lost
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Voted: 0 audio / 529 text
Posts: 5,432
Mentioned: 963 Post(s)
Tagged: 33 Thread(s)


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Default Black Book vs. HaRizon - (Black Book Wins 5-1)

Topical Battle


Black Book vs. HaRizon


Topic




Deadline: Three Days From Now
Line Limit: No More Than 60 Lines
Voting: First To 5 Votes or 3-0 K.O.

Good luck @HaRizon
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  #2  
Unread 07-22-2013, 04:54 PM
Sp0ken
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check im here
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Unread 07-22-2013, 04:54 PM   #2
 
Sp0ken
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check im here
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  #3  
Unread 07-26-2013, 08:26 PM
Black Book
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,432
Mentioned: 963 Post(s)
Tagged: 33 Thread(s)
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Estimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
145 Won / 55 Lost
Exclusive Text Record
6 Won / 3 Lost
Default


The economy was down but a prophecy was found by the land's holiest man.
Shepherds came rapidly and lepers sang happily as they traveled from the loneliest sand
To the sacred palace of the holy man who hated malice but knew what must be done.
The famine-stricken country was damned and given nothing but the holy man had looked to the trusty sun
Seeking a sign, to hear God speaking divine, praying that he would just see one.
Then He woke and then He spoke: Present your greatest lamb.
Kill it and paralyze the forces that terrorize this nearly faithless land.
Show them I exist and know when I commence to take this lamb
If it is not the purest known, I will turn your worthless home into nothing more than placeless sand.

All the people looked forward to the fall of evil and they had to listen
And watch as their land survived as each lamb arrived and it grew closer to time for a decision.
But no lamb presented itself pure enough and God would surely know if they were to bluff about the lamb put into the sacrificial position.
So the holy man was presented one lonely plan and summoned the land's greatest magician.
He summoned Griffin the Great to put a shift in his shape, turning him into the lamb for sacrifice.
For he was the only holy man around and when God brought the hammer down, he would ask to Christ:
For my people I shall offer my own soul because my lone goal is to save this land of mine.
Like you Christ, my true vice is I love them more than I love myself, so here I stand divine
Please let your father cause no more slaughter as my soul travels to your home via the sands of time.
I am the lamb to feed his wrath and I do not heed this path for my courage strong and my love is true.
My people sinned with every evil trend and I know their is justice due.
I followed your example Jesus and allowed my body to be mangled to scrambled pieces just as you.
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Unread 07-26-2013, 08:26 PM   #3
 
Black Book
Estimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.8/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
145 Won / 55 Lost
Exclusive Text Record
6 Won / 3 Lost
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Voted: 0 audio / 529 text
Posts: 5,432
Mentioned: 963 Post(s)
Tagged: 33 Thread(s)


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Default


The economy was down but a prophecy was found by the land's holiest man.
Shepherds came rapidly and lepers sang happily as they traveled from the loneliest sand
To the sacred palace of the holy man who hated malice but knew what must be done.
The famine-stricken country was damned and given nothing but the holy man had looked to the trusty sun
Seeking a sign, to hear God speaking divine, praying that he would just see one.
Then He woke and then He spoke: Present your greatest lamb.
Kill it and paralyze the forces that terrorize this nearly faithless land.
Show them I exist and know when I commence to take this lamb
If it is not the purest known, I will turn your worthless home into nothing more than placeless sand.

All the people looked forward to the fall of evil and they had to listen
And watch as their land survived as each lamb arrived and it grew closer to time for a decision.
But no lamb presented itself pure enough and God would surely know if they were to bluff about the lamb put into the sacrificial position.
So the holy man was presented one lonely plan and summoned the land's greatest magician.
He summoned Griffin the Great to put a shift in his shape, turning him into the lamb for sacrifice.
For he was the only holy man around and when God brought the hammer down, he would ask to Christ:
For my people I shall offer my own soul because my lone goal is to save this land of mine.
Like you Christ, my true vice is I love them more than I love myself, so here I stand divine
Please let your father cause no more slaughter as my soul travels to your home via the sands of time.
I am the lamb to feed his wrath and I do not heed this path for my courage strong and my love is true.
My people sinned with every evil trend and I know their is justice due.
I followed your example Jesus and allowed my body to be mangled to scrambled pieces just as you.
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  #4  
Unread 07-27-2013, 08:53 AM
Sp0ken
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@Black Book



The recluse of religion

Time has proven its best to be friends with the worse,
Pounding of chests that decide the men of the works.
Privilege heathens that accomplish nothing but dirt,
The conquering season of clouds that slowly emerge.
Promise of the wasteland, given no reason to soil,
So planting their feet isn't something they recoil.
Distress between clear pipes and even in foil,
The truth of it all is a gimmick cus addicts have always proven to be loyal.
Never to themselves tho- just to the mix or batch,
It's like the last school day of the week where they mix and match.
Twisted caps where pants use to sag as an act,
Rebellion; seizing opportunity to divide is lacked.
Seizing the grains, latched behind the door to the future,
With Middletown maneuvers axes swung to pursue ya.
Crushing platunias, abnormality is disguised as lucifer,
Not the devil who wears Prada; the enlightenment of medusa.
Arrows shred the sky rumor with whistles of that aim,
To damage all in range and to bargain with pain.
Enchanted remains; laid to waste all who refrained...
To accept in vein the world order that flamed to change.
Ground zero, the fee that we toll to cross the sea,
Land of the free yet dividends mask all who preach,
Classical reach as we all tend to now in the land of the sheep.

No following the leader we just blend with what's ordered,
But time is a hoarder that tends to stay within its borders!
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Unread 07-27-2013, 08:53 AM   #4
 
Sp0ken
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Posts: 59
Mentioned: 20 Post(s)
Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
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@Black Book



The recluse of religion

Time has proven its best to be friends with the worse,
Pounding of chests that decide the men of the works.
Privilege heathens that accomplish nothing but dirt,
The conquering season of clouds that slowly emerge.
Promise of the wasteland, given no reason to soil,
So planting their feet isn't something they recoil.
Distress between clear pipes and even in foil,
The truth of it all is a gimmick cus addicts have always proven to be loyal.
Never to themselves tho- just to the mix or batch,
It's like the last school day of the week where they mix and match.
Twisted caps where pants use to sag as an act,
Rebellion; seizing opportunity to divide is lacked.
Seizing the grains, latched behind the door to the future,
With Middletown maneuvers axes swung to pursue ya.
Crushing platunias, abnormality is disguised as lucifer,
Not the devil who wears Prada; the enlightenment of medusa.
Arrows shred the sky rumor with whistles of that aim,
To damage all in range and to bargain with pain.
Enchanted remains; laid to waste all who refrained...
To accept in vein the world order that flamed to change.
Ground zero, the fee that we toll to cross the sea,
Land of the free yet dividends mask all who preach,
Classical reach as we all tend to now in the land of the sheep.

No following the leader we just blend with what's ordered,
But time is a hoarder that tends to stay within its borders!
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  #5  
Unread 07-27-2013, 05:45 PM
Denton
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,985
Mentioned: 1297 Post(s)
Tagged: 32 Thread(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to Denton
Estimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 stars
Ranked Audio Record
1 Won / 1 Lost
Estimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.29/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.29/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.29/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
64 Won / 21 Lost
Default

I liked one's ability to draw you in with his verse. The complexity was on a whole 'nother level. The italics to outline spoken words was great and his approach to his topic was unparalleled.

The other in my opinion was a decent read but did not match up to his opponents complexity. A paragraphical comparison of both makes one look basic. I liked both verses however but one did not cut the cheese.

Vote: Black Book
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mokane
I thought denton was black this whole time he was white

Last edited by Hubert Cumberdale; 07-28-2013 at 08:26 PM.
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Unread 07-27-2013, 05:45 PM   #5
 
Denton
Estimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 6.43/10 stars
Ranked Audio Record
1 Won / 1 Lost
Estimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.43/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.29/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.29/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 7.29/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
64 Won / 21 Lost
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Voted: 76 audio / 818 text
Posts: 3,985
Mentioned: 1297 Post(s)
Tagged: 32 Thread(s)


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Default

I liked one's ability to draw you in with his verse. The complexity was on a whole 'nother level. The italics to outline spoken words was great and his approach to his topic was unparalleled.

The other in my opinion was a decent read but did not match up to his opponents complexity. A paragraphical comparison of both makes one look basic. I liked both verses however but one did not cut the cheese.

Vote: Black Book
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mokane
I thought denton was black this whole time he was white

Last edited by Hubert Cumberdale; 07-28-2013 at 08:26 PM.
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  #6  
Unread 07-27-2013, 09:12 PM
Erupt da Monsta Erupt da Monsta is on FIRE! 15+ wins in a row!Erupt da Monsta is on FIRE! 15+ wins in a row!Erupt da Monsta is on FIRE! 15+ wins in a row!
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 8,056
Mentioned: 1899 Post(s)
Tagged: 85 Thread(s)
Estimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 stars
Ranked Audio Record
24 Won / 4 Lost
Estimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.07/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.07/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
64 Won / 15 Lost
Exclusive Text Record
1 Won / 0 Lost
Default

Vocab-horizon felt he was a little more complex and the diction was better...
Storyline was close but I gotta actually give that to horizon.. Felt he had the better feel, set the mood with the word choice and summed it up better in the end.. Horizon actually had the better verse on second read , book started off good but seemed like the wording got a little forced trying to force the rhyme .. Horizons word placement and lines were suspect at times but still better, horizon had better metaphors and more memorable lines like the medusa one.. My bad for the quick vote last time I'm on my phone but after really reading and breaking this down...


Vote -horizon

---------- Post added at 09:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:06 PM ----------

Yeah horizon was more out of the box, i liked the angle he took... Its close but ones diction took this..100
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Unread 07-27-2013, 09:12 PM   #6
 
Erupt da Monsta Erupt da Monsta is on FIRE! 15+ wins in a row!Erupt da Monsta is on FIRE! 15+ wins in a row!Erupt da Monsta is on FIRE! 15+ wins in a row!
Estimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Audio: 8.83/10 stars
Ranked Audio Record
24 Won / 4 Lost
Estimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.07/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 8.07/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
64 Won / 15 Lost
Exclusive Text Record
1 Won / 0 Lost
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Voted: 96 audio / 723 text
Posts: 8,056
Mentioned: 1899 Post(s)
Tagged: 85 Thread(s)


Default

Vocab-horizon felt he was a little more complex and the diction was better...
Storyline was close but I gotta actually give that to horizon.. Felt he had the better feel, set the mood with the word choice and summed it up better in the end.. Horizon actually had the better verse on second read , book started off good but seemed like the wording got a little forced trying to force the rhyme .. Horizons word placement and lines were suspect at times but still better, horizon had better metaphors and more memorable lines like the medusa one.. My bad for the quick vote last time I'm on my phone but after really reading and breaking this down...


Vote -horizon

---------- Post added at 09:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:06 PM ----------

Yeah horizon was more out of the box, i liked the angle he took... Its close but ones diction took this..100
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  #7  
Unread 07-28-2013, 07:07 AM
Hubert Cumberdale
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Black Book, this was alright. I felt you did okay with the rhyming and flow, and you kept on topical well throughout. I just didn't feel that I really got much from the story. God wanted a sacrifice, the holy man got himself turned into a sheep and sacrificed himself. It just seems like it's that straight forward and I didn't feel any images of emotions really bursting through.

Stor...HaRizon, , I didn't really like how you bounced around several different topics. You had a bit of drug addiction in there, a 9/11 reference I think, some lack of freedom talk at the end. All in all, I just feel it wasn't quite as original as I'd like to see from you. The flow was choppy one or twice too, as I felt you through an extra word in at places that didn't need one. You also could have easily improved the lyricism slightly. You opted to go for one word rhyming over a very manageable multi rhyme scheme, which to me would have added a little boost to the pice.

Overall, this could have been an awesome one between two of the best guys we've got signed up on LB, but I don't feel either really delivered here. One had a little bit more depth and sucked me into their story slightly more, so I edge that way.

Black Book GETS MY VOTE
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Unread 07-28-2013, 07:07 AM   #7
 
Hubert Cumberdale
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Black Book, this was alright. I felt you did okay with the rhyming and flow, and you kept on topical well throughout. I just didn't feel that I really got much from the story. God wanted a sacrifice, the holy man got himself turned into a sheep and sacrificed himself. It just seems like it's that straight forward and I didn't feel any images of emotions really bursting through.

Stor...HaRizon, , I didn't really like how you bounced around several different topics. You had a bit of drug addiction in there, a 9/11 reference I think, some lack of freedom talk at the end. All in all, I just feel it wasn't quite as original as I'd like to see from you. The flow was choppy one or twice too, as I felt you through an extra word in at places that didn't need one. You also could have easily improved the lyricism slightly. You opted to go for one word rhyming over a very manageable multi rhyme scheme, which to me would have added a little boost to the pice.

Overall, this could have been an awesome one between two of the best guys we've got signed up on LB, but I don't feel either really delivered here. One had a little bit more depth and sucked me into their story slightly more, so I edge that way.

Black Book GETS MY VOTE
 
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  #8  
Unread 07-29-2013, 07:34 PM
The Law
Basic Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 340
Mentioned: 142 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Estimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
11 Won / 6 Lost
Default

Black Book: Before I even read it, your structure looks like shit because your lines are way overworded. But I won't discredit that from your verse, I am just putting that out there. Not a bad drop, but definitely was not your best either. I felt your vocab and flow was okay. Surprised do to the long ass fucking lines, but you did keep the flow still, I will give you that. I thought you could have went a little more in depth with your story, as well as been a bit more descriptive. I thought there was many parts of your verse that lacked in the imagery category. I guess I can put it this way.. I expected more from you, but you didn't disappoint be either.

Harizon: I wasn't really feeling your storyline progression in this verse. You could have done a much better paving your verse from the beginning to the end. You did a better job with vocab and imagery than Black Book did though. I actually think it was your vocab and word usage that hurt you in this one. I think you tried to do a little too much in that direction. The flow of it all was okay though.

MGVT: Black Book - Overall I don't even think this was close. I'm surprised that HaRizon got votes here (no offense). Black Book had a solid piece, it obviously wasn't his best verse at all, but it was solid with no mistakes. It had a decent storyline that he progressed through and I thought HaRizon could have done a better job in doing that. Stay up though, I can tell your a great topical writer.
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Unread 07-29-2013, 07:34 PM   #8
 
The Law
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Estimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 0/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 starsEstimated Skill in Text: 6.83/10 stars
Ranked Text Record
11 Won / 6 Lost
 
Join Date: May 2013
Voted: 0 audio / 0 text
Posts: 340
Mentioned: 142 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Default

Black Book: Before I even read it, your structure looks like shit because your lines are way overworded. But I won't discredit that from your verse, I am just putting that out there. Not a bad drop, but definitely was not your best either. I felt your vocab and flow was okay. Surprised do to the long ass fucking lines, but you did keep the flow still, I will give you that. I thought you could have went a little more in depth with your story, as well as been a bit more descriptive. I thought there was many parts of your verse that lacked in the imagery category. I guess I can put it this way.. I expected more from you, but you didn't disappoint be either.

Harizon: I wasn't really feeling your storyline progression in this verse. You could have done a much better paving your verse from the beginning to the end. You did a better job with vocab and imagery than Black Book did though. I actually think it was your vocab and word usage that hurt you in this one. I think you tried to do a little too much in that direction. The flow of it all was okay though.

MGVT: Black Book - Overall I don't even think this was close. I'm surprised that HaRizon got votes here (no offense). Black Book had a solid piece, it obviously wasn't his best verse at all, but it was solid with no mistakes. It had a decent storyline that he progressed through and I thought HaRizon could have done a better job in doing that. Stay up though, I can tell your a great topical writer.
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  #9  
Unread 07-29-2013, 07:48 PM
Fidel Z
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Black Book

I really enjoyed your use of vocabulary and the story telling was also on point, i could visualize everything you said which shows that your use of imagery is very good too, it also related to the image whiich you were writing about, also the rhyming was nice,

HaRizon

your verse was also good, but less complex than black books one, your rhyming was good but i couldnt really picture what you were writing about so the imagery wasnt really there, but overall it is a good piece,

Winner: Black Book
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Unread 07-29-2013, 07:48 PM   #9
 
Fidel Z
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Black Book

I really enjoyed your use of vocabulary and the story telling was also on point, i could visualize everything you said which shows that your use of imagery is very good too, it also related to the image whiich you were writing about, also the rhyming was nice,

HaRizon

your verse was also good, but less complex than black books one, your rhyming was good but i couldnt really picture what you were writing about so the imagery wasnt really there, but overall it is a good piece,

Winner: Black Book
 
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  #10  
Unread 07-29-2013, 07:59 PM
Aggo
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Book: Thought your rhyme scheme and vocab was on point throughout. In a complicated scheme like this it's easy to try and force stuff to continue the scheme but not once did I feel like anything was forced. The story left a little to be desired but it was consistent and had direction throughout. Just felt that it ended abruptly and without a great impact which was unfortunate because this had the potential to be an excellent piece.

Harizon: Contrary to what I said about Book, i felt like a lot of your rhymes felt forced and unnatural. Story was disjointed and I wasn't really following the arc. Just work on relevancy and having a solid direction.

Winner: BlackBook
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Unread 07-29-2013, 07:59 PM   #10
 
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Book: Thought your rhyme scheme and vocab was on point throughout. In a complicated scheme like this it's easy to try and force stuff to continue the scheme but not once did I feel like anything was forced. The story left a little to be desired but it was consistent and had direction throughout. Just felt that it ended abruptly and without a great impact which was unfortunate because this had the potential to be an excellent piece.

Harizon: Contrary to what I said about Book, i felt like a lot of your rhymes felt forced and unnatural. Story was disjointed and I wasn't really following the arc. Just work on relevancy and having a solid direction.

Winner: BlackBook
 
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