Writer 12
SYMBOLIC COMPARISION: JEWISH BURIAL PRACTICES TO THE LEVANTINE REGION.
Shalom my brother. May we go in peace together. Please remember.
What a builder builds will not last. What grave digger builds will last forever.
We who are gathered here look at the grave and stand beside it,
We walk towards the open grave and throw handfuls of dirt inside it.
We cry for the death of it. Black clothing and garments,
We cry when she changed from our Sarah into a Babylon harlot.
Tear at these clothes and wipe the dirt on our faces,
Many people of different places brought together in this oasis.
But it is dead, the oasis withered and now is desert,
Blood poisoned the soil and our connection was severed.
The ancient spiritual connection was lost,
It is dead and what’s left of the body is destined to rot.
We sit on the floor brought low by our collective grief,
Mourning both for our dead and for our dead beliefs.
We see death as the crossing between distress and peace,
You see Levant as the crossing between the West and East.
But it is more. From life to afterlife inside this paradise,
Some call it martyrdom others call it sacrifice.
The strongest action is to give everything away,
Each and every candle flame can only burn for just one day.
Then it is gone. The fire’s out what’s done is done,
When we are dead we cannot see what we have become.
To assist the spirit we recite these sacred lines,
Smoke lingers like a memory, but even it must fade with time.
Decaying minds, who can remember all the history of this land?
The only ones who can tell us are the rocks, the wind and the sand.
No scripture or man can give a true description, nor can tradition,
All these things are built by minds which die and cannot be written.
There is no solution in this description, we let our thoughts progress,
There is no solution for Levant, there is no solution for death.
The Law: Overall I felt the piece was okay. I will be honest, you did not drag me in as the reader. I had to actually read it twice to make sure I understood everything, but it still was not interesting to me. It was more or less like I was listening to a lecture rather than reading a topical piece. Aside from that, some of the things you touched up on were good. The flow was good for the most part also, I did think at times it wasn't so smooth though. The vocab usage was okay. It wasn't the best, but wasn't the worst. I thought at times you were either being too simple, or using the same words when other words could have took it's place just as good or better. It's hard to write the feedback on this verse exactly how I want it. I think the main thing that hurt you on this was the approach taking and because of that came along with the issues that are presented.
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Writer 2
Shipwrecked
A barren wasteland, walking miles in the grey sand
Seeking aimlessly, no claims to be a great plan
My heart heaves heavily, holes from where she was
Can't move past the past, still tied in like a fetus
It's been years, ten years, and then fears have turned to now strengths
Made mistakes before but see clearly like when clouds break
A vessel of faultless figure, a model of beauty
Easily worth tenfold the most marvelous ruby
I reminisce, our adventures transcended joy
But under rough storms my future plans had been destroyed
I was her captain, but what happened was beyond control
A sinking crash course, couldn't change to fit an evolving role
While memories we often hold are likely flighty
Not Assice - The name is engraved upon my psyche tightly
Screaming find me! So I search against opposing odds
Hoping on that my opportunity won't be gone
The sunset creeps, sinking beneath the horizon
Leaving me frightened at a time that needs to be brightened
Retracing my steps with just enough faith to recheck
My last resort, where tragedy poured, the place of the wreck
Terra formed since then, torn into an ugly vacuum
Oozing a smell that reminds of a musty bathroom
Hideous, what I really miss from that far fate is our place
Where I could rest my head atop her center and star gaze
I climb the dusty plane, traversing gritty waste
And see atop the ridge the outline of her pretty face
Staring, I've been watching this woman for a while now
Actualization of acquisition has brought my smile down
She's rugged, aged, only a shell upon close inspection
Her eye's surmise a person trapped in a ghosts' reflection
There's nothing left between us, time has cut away
And even if we spoke I wouldn't know what to say
I turn around, no longer is my stomach churning now
Contented, the fiery flesh in my chest is burning down
Maybe in the next life I'll find fortune with my ex wife
But my last voyage on that ship sailed long ago, decks wiped
The Law: The overall metaphor of this verse from the shipwreck to the ex-wife was dope. I thought the build up of it all the way to the end and then revealing it was your ex-wife was nice also. Vocab and flow were on point. I did, however, think some of the figurative language (metaphors, similie's) lacked substance and originality. Not that they didn't work or weren't written smoothly, I just thought they were lacking something. An example would be the "Made mistakes before but see clearly like when clouds break". It's probably just me but I thought a better similie could have been used. It was a solid verse none the less and a very enjoyable read. My favorite bar of the whole verse was "She's rugged, aged, only a shell upon close inspection. Her eye's surmise a person trapped in a ghosts' reflection" Touched up on nice vocab, flow, the descriptive image and word usage was outstanding, not only in that line but in many parts of your verse also. It's sad to see this one go with a no show because this is definitely one of the better verses I have read in this tourney.
With Agonize