[RULE]

Originally Posted by RULE

Dear Billy,

I thought I’d try to get ahold of you since I’m alone in this cellar
Call me a dweller, but I miss the days when we could both be together
I remember when you pulled me off the clearance rack, I was rescued from misery
As I saw six-year-old kid who screamed, “Mommy, I want that one!” and the rest? It was history
All we’d ever do was go on adventures, explorin’ for treasure
You were my whole life, my core and my center, I wanted to be your supporter forever

But you got older instead, started playing sports for your pleasure
And with adulthood comes pressure, you became fairly deceitful
I understand that with a stuffed bear you would feel embarrased to people
I laid under your bed, I was there for your deals, no matter how daring, illegal
I never thought pot was bad really, but damn Billy, a heroin needle?

Every day your mom was awaitin’ a call from the station
From some cop who was sayin’ you were robbin’ a bank
Or dealin’ rock to some vagrants just to stave off the starvation
She hoped you’d rot up in jail; still a far better fate than gettin’ stomped on the pavement

Anyway, I just wrote to see if you’re alive and if all’s well
Seeing as how I'll probably die in this small hell
But that’s alright, I don’t want help, I’m not lonely or scared
We just used to be so close, and now you don’t even care

Sincerely, your old pal,
Tony the Bear

P.S.
I know you won’t get this letter, and I know you’re sick and heartless
So I’m just gonna crumple this shit up and throw it in the garbage.

*****

Dear Tony,

I know it’s been awhile since the last time I saw you
I figured you got caught in a bag when my mom moved
I guess I’m wishin’ for clarity--were you given to charity, or just packed up and lost? Shoot,
I feel bad for all the crap that I’ve gone through since I dragged you along too
But you’d sure be proud of how I turned around--now I have a Master’s from law school

See, I got off on good behavior, they let me off mid-sentence
Met the girl of my dreams, we’ve had a couple kids since then
And you’re still better than any toy that they’ve ever been friends with

I wish we could be together, hey, but nothing good ever stays
I hate all this, but I can take solace since you’re probably in a better place

...

Fuck it, this makes me feel like a crazy writer, so I’ll take this lighter and watch this letter blaze.

Strange one here, the flow was really nice, the vocab solid. Overall the main highlight / talking point was the concept. Basically the whole time i was reading it i was thinking "toy story!". The similarities was very strong and forced me out of your story in places. Another issue was that it felt short. I know you had a line limit but i feel it kinda cut off just as it was getting going. Thought the ending of both halves was a lil bit of a cop out too. Tough one to judge because overall it was very solid, your take on the topic was unexpected.

Originally Posted by RULE

My life had been nothing but senseless progression,
From pathetic repression to reckless aggression.
Drowning slowly in the murky depths of depression,
The helpless invention of dread was incessant.
Deep in self pity, my heart was ever invested.
My head was congested- forever unrested.
The relentless feeling was never contested,
Until I met her... she would sever the despot.

Before now, such an embrace seldom would smite me-
But this angel... Just her smell could ignite me.
I remember the first time I felt it, so brightly,
When she first took my arm. She held it so tightly.
I remember how she kissed me ever so lightly,
And that smile as she endeavored so spritely.
These memories replaced the wretch kept inside me.
Not simply in my head, but etched in my psyche.

Our unlikely bond, to me, made karma provable.
A Goddess... for her, I was far from suitable.
My past was tattered, my future hardly usable,
And still we fused together, our hearts immovable.
She loved me as I was, every scar was beautiful.
Life was a symphony, every part was musical.
She fixed my mind, her effect was pharmaceutical.
She washed my hands- cleaned my tarnished cuticles.


At length I became consumed by her quintessence.
The constant need for her voice was relentless.
Without her smile I was completely contentless.
I ached and yearned for her antidepressants.
I couldn't make choices without having her bless it.
She was my majestic queen and I was her peasant.
Hell was every minute lived outside her heavens.
My demons were pacified only by her presence.


I had allowed my newfound addiction to surround me.
In time I lost sight of everything else around me.
I lost my job and my house, the decline was astounding.
My family and friends had all put up their boundaries.
Soon everything was gone, and the silence was resounding.
From the phone, no more ringing... The door, no more pounding
I thought she had freed me of the ropes that bound me,
But I had then realized my soul was still drowning.

...And yet she's still here, always ready to get me high.
She'll lift me up now, but I'll still be dead inside.
As long as she holds my wings, only she can let me fly.
Despite the freedom she brings, she would let me die.
Should I tell her to go now? I let out a heavy sigh...
Who am I kidding? To myself, I'm telling lies.
Just one more night in my bed, enough to get me by.
My heroine became my heroin... This happens every time.

The vocab was really great here, the rhyme structure however was very grating after a while. the lack of switches in the flow made the piece a little boring in places. Wording was also a little off in places, felt like the rhyme scheme used you rather than the other way around. The story was very detailed and immersive which i liked. The take on the topic seemed a little simple though if im honest.



Overall: Both verses had there faults and highlights, but overall i just felt one piece was better as a whole.

MVGT: Verse One.

[RULE]

Originally Posted by RULE

Dear Billy,

I thought I’d try to get ahold of you since I’m alone in this cellar
Call me a dweller, but I miss the days when we could both be together
I remember when you pulled me off the clearance rack, I was rescued from misery
As I saw six-year-old kid who screamed, “Mommy, I want that one!” and the rest? It was history
All we’d ever do was go on adventures, explorin’ for treasure
You were my whole life, my core and my center, I wanted to be your supporter forever

But you got older instead, started playing sports for your pleasure
And with adulthood comes pressure, you became fairly deceitful
I understand that with a stuffed bear you would feel embarrased to people
I laid under your bed, I was there for your deals, no matter how daring, illegal
I never thought pot was bad really, but damn Billy, a heroin needle?

Every day your mom was awaitin’ a call from the station
From some cop who was sayin’ you were robbin’ a bank
Or dealin’ rock to some vagrants just to stave off the starvation
She hoped you’d rot up in jail; still a far better fate than gettin’ stomped on the pavement

Anyway, I just wrote to see if you’re alive and if all’s well
Seeing as how I'll probably die in this small hell
But that’s alright, I don’t want help, I’m not lonely or scared
We just used to be so close, and now you don’t even care

Sincerely, your old pal,
Tony the Bear

P.S.
I know you won’t get this letter, and I know you’re sick and heartless
So I’m just gonna crumple this shit up and throw it in the garbage.

*****

Dear Tony,

I know it’s been awhile since the last time I saw you
I figured you got caught in a bag when my mom moved
I guess I’m wishin’ for clarity--were you given to charity, or just packed up and lost? Shoot,
I feel bad for all the crap that I’ve gone through since I dragged you along too
But you’d sure be proud of how I turned around--now I have a Master’s from law school

See, I got off on good behavior, they let me off mid-sentence
Met the girl of my dreams, we’ve had a couple kids since then
And you’re still better than any toy that they’ve ever been friends with

I wish we could be together, hey, but nothing good ever stays
I hate all this, but I can take solace since you’re probably in a better place

...

Fuck it, this makes me feel like a crazy writer, so I’ll take this lighter and watch this letter blaze.

Strange one here, the flow was really nice, the vocab solid. Overall the main highlight / talking point was the concept. Basically the whole time i was reading it i was thinking "toy story!". The similarities was very strong and forced me out of your story in places. Another issue was that it felt short. I know you had a line limit but i feel it kinda cut off just as it was getting going. Thought the ending of both halves was a lil bit of a cop out too. Tough one to judge because overall it was very solid, your take on the topic was unexpected.

Originally Posted by RULE

My life had been nothing but senseless progression,
From pathetic repression to reckless aggression.
Drowning slowly in the murky depths of depression,
The helpless invention of dread was incessant.
Deep in self pity, my heart was ever invested.
My head was congested- forever unrested.
The relentless feeling was never contested,
Until I met her... she would sever the despot.

Before now, such an embrace seldom would smite me-
But this angel... Just her smell could ignite me.
I remember the first time I felt it, so brightly,
When she first took my arm. She held it so tightly.
I remember how she kissed me ever so lightly,
And that smile as she endeavored so spritely.
These memories replaced the wretch kept inside me.
Not simply in my head, but etched in my psyche.

Our unlikely bond, to me, made karma provable.
A Goddess... for her, I was far from suitable.
My past was tattered, my future hardly usable,
And still we fused together, our hearts immovable.
She loved me as I was, every scar was beautiful.
Life was a symphony, every part was musical.
She fixed my mind, her effect was pharmaceutical.
She washed my hands- cleaned my tarnished cuticles.


At length I became consumed by her quintessence.
The constant need for her voice was relentless.
Without her smile I was completely contentless.
I ached and yearned for her antidepressants.
I couldn't make choices without having her bless it.
She was my majestic queen and I was her peasant.
Hell was every minute lived outside her heavens.
My demons were pacified only by her presence.


I had allowed my newfound addiction to surround me.
In time I lost sight of everything else around me.
I lost my job and my house, the decline was astounding.
My family and friends had all put up their boundaries.
Soon everything was gone, and the silence was resounding.
From the phone, no more ringing... The door, no more pounding
I thought she had freed me of the ropes that bound me,
But I had then realized my soul was still drowning.

...And yet she's still here, always ready to get me high.
She'll lift me up now, but I'll still be dead inside.
As long as she holds my wings, only she can let me fly.
Despite the freedom she brings, she would let me die.
Should I tell her to go now? I let out a heavy sigh...
Who am I kidding? To myself, I'm telling lies.
Just one more night in my bed, enough to get me by.
My heroine became my heroin... This happens every time.

The vocab was really great here, the rhyme structure however was very grating after a while. the lack of switches in the flow made the piece a little boring in places. Wording was also a little off in places, felt like the rhyme scheme used you rather than the other way around. The story was very detailed and immersive which i liked. The take on the topic seemed a little simple though if im honest.



Overall: Both verses had there faults and highlights, but overall i just felt one piece was better as a whole.

MVGT: Verse One.