Writer 4: First things first, before I even read your verse, I can tell that is no where near within the line requirements. By your structure, I am guessing you are way to use to the "letsbeef box" writing style and haven't done many topicals, if at all. Myself, I really don't care that it's structured like that, I am not going to take that into account for my vote. But I will say that majority of the readers will look at that and doubt your verse, and/or not even want to really read just by the way it looks. You want it to look, the way you want it to sound for the readers. Make it neat and presentable! Clean that shit up. The approach you brought to your verse was very predictable. They could have been doing many things up on the roof top. I thought the suicide approach, as well as, the way it was written was very simplistic. The flow was on point, but just about in every other area the verse was par and to be expected. You with me?.. This was just your regular old verse that any of the members on the site could have wrote. You need to bring something with out of the box thinking. You need to bring something different. Bring something that will make your verse standout from your opponent's verse.
Writer 13: Again, I'm going to say the same thing I said to your opponent. The suicide approach was wayyy to predictable. Bring something different. We all don't want to read the same story with different words. Overall your vocab and ending rhyme scheme could have been a bit better. The fiddle/sizzle/drizzle use as the ending rhyme scheme, although it flows, it doesn't really go into the smooth read category. I think your vocab usage could have been used a bit better to up the intensity and imagery of your verse. I did, however, like that you wrote the verse in way, that you weren't even involved with the scene that was going on with the picture. It was more of an outsider stand point and I liked that. I just wish you both would have used a different theme other than suicide.
Overall: I feel writer 13 should get the vote either way because writer 4 did not follow the required number of lines. With that put aside, being that both writer took the same type of approach, I felt that writer 13 did a better job of writing the story here. This may just be due to the fact that one has a bit more experience in topicals than the other, I dont know. But for whomever, makes it to the later rounds, definitely take all the critique and use it because the rounds will only get tougher. goodluck.
My Vote: Writer 13
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