XplicitKontent, because you wrote this to a beat, I found it VERY hard to follow the flow at times. I found myself reading quite quickly to get through it because the slower I go, the more little flow problems and stutters I'd come up against. The rhyming was quite basic too.
I think the clear highlight was the awesome job you made of showing us the protagonists. I instantly got what you were doing with the paragraph format, and I could clearly see that it was guy, girl, guy girl etc. You did brilliant with that. The story was quite good, and a pretty nice way to take the topic. One thing I didn't like was the graphic imagery at the end. I didn't feel it was warranted in a piece like this. The imagery of the rain was great though, as he mentioned it, and she drove in it. It wasn't a focal point, but gave us imagery of a bleak scene, almost picturesque.
BloodAngel, you seem to have an immediate flair for topicals with good imagery and wording. The rhyming wasn't bad and I flowed with it well. The biggest downfall to me was the generic enough story. You see so many topicals about war, and especially ones where the main character dies at the end, so I might have liked to see a different twist on this one. I think war would have been the easiest route to go down, but something a bit more abstract would have been better imo. You didn't really get to add too much emotion in with the style you went for. You described the scene, and what you saw, but not specifically how you felt. Perhaps some more protagonist thoughts on what he was observing could have been good.
Overall, this is VERY close. I think one was technically better, and has more in their skill set, but with the actual stories I was more engrossed in one and that's really the name of the game.
XplicitKontent GETS MY VOTE
|