[Jam Jar]

Hello.

First up, credit to both of you - both of your pieces were entertaining and really creative interpretations.

Objective- The 'hook' into your piece is really strong because the pacing is slow and atmospheric. You don't blast in with gore, you introduce it calmly, which helps grab the attention, and maintain it. The style and tone of yours is really conversational, which can work well in Topicals - I felt your rhyming element fizzled off at times, but the storytelling itself was really strong. I got the feeling you might have had same problem I've had when I've been writing longer pieces, which is that your idea is really strong so you launch into it and have a strong first half, but then you find it difficult to close it off? That's the vibe I got anyway - the structure slacked off towards the end, but you had the solid base of the plot throughout. Good.

Lyrical Sting Ray - The idea at the heart of yours was also very strong and well communicated. I got a 'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest' feeling from it - a rebellion brewing. In terms of the construction, you were more versatile and risk-taking in your use of rhyme, but some it was crazy-forced and predictable (cooking up supper...didn't have enough butter) - more time spent thinking on it would let you give your idea the elaboration it deserves, coz its a strong concept. I gotta say, I loved the last paragraph where you undo all the seriousness - 'bra and nookies' sounds great as a phrase.

I found this a really tough one to call, because both of them got my attention but in different ways. I think I gotta give it to Objective though, because the craft of his storytelling was stronger. No discredit to LSR at all, and as I say, very close.

To reiterate - I'm voting for Objective.

[Jam Jar]

Hello.

First up, credit to both of you - both of your pieces were entertaining and really creative interpretations.

Objective- The 'hook' into your piece is really strong because the pacing is slow and atmospheric. You don't blast in with gore, you introduce it calmly, which helps grab the attention, and maintain it. The style and tone of yours is really conversational, which can work well in Topicals - I felt your rhyming element fizzled off at times, but the storytelling itself was really strong. I got the feeling you might have had same problem I've had when I've been writing longer pieces, which is that your idea is really strong so you launch into it and have a strong first half, but then you find it difficult to close it off? That's the vibe I got anyway - the structure slacked off towards the end, but you had the solid base of the plot throughout. Good.

Lyrical Sting Ray - The idea at the heart of yours was also very strong and well communicated. I got a 'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest' feeling from it - a rebellion brewing. In terms of the construction, you were more versatile and risk-taking in your use of rhyme, but some it was crazy-forced and predictable (cooking up supper...didn't have enough butter) - more time spent thinking on it would let you give your idea the elaboration it deserves, coz its a strong concept. I gotta say, I loved the last paragraph where you undo all the seriousness - 'bra and nookies' sounds great as a phrase.

I found this a really tough one to call, because both of them got my attention but in different ways. I think I gotta give it to Objective though, because the craft of his storytelling was stronger. No discredit to LSR at all, and as I say, very close.

To reiterate - I'm voting for Objective.