[Erupt da Monsta]

WEEK ONE BREAKDOWNS


@Black Book
I can't keep my 'lips sealed'! Ya bitch the type who likes to SNACK OFF WHITE CUM! But she can't keep her vaginal lips sealed -Best believe that VAG NOT TIGHT, SON! I ate her 'pussy' out then she begged me 'not to say a word' which is ironic since she already knew the CAT GOT MY TONGUE!!!

Okay so the main problem here is that your multi sets are too far apart leaving alot of space for filler, filler can come in diff forms, in this case you should have took the time to add multis inbetween the main multi sets for a better punch impact, you stayed relevant which was good, but from "VAG NOT TIGHT, SON!.......( I ate her 'pussy' out then she begged me 'not to say a word' which is ironic since she already knew the) .....CAT GOT MY TONGUE!!!" theres too much space between the first multi set and the last, which takes away ALOT from the punch power, the bar is then deemed stretched, this happens alot with long bar, if you want i can show you short bar, which is what I use most of the time when im not being lazy, this way you get maximum punch impact and little to no filler words. the cat got my tongue punch was actually pretty good, just the build multi wise was very poor. Also you didnt understand the rules fully, which got you a 69%.

@Agonize
How old are you SON, A TEEN OR SO? Young'n couldn't ah BRUNG A WEAKER FOE aint no swollen lips left leakin from a PUNCH THIS TWEENER THROWS so i'll rush the stage quick and body this underage bitch like FUCKIN EAGER HO'S front row at JUSTIN BEIBER SHOWS
Okay you did follow the rules which is good, the bar was relevant, the multis could have been better thought out but still relevant to an extent, the structure was good, the only thing is the concept was pretty weak, needs to be a little more complex, also there were a few forced multis like "fuckin eager ho's" the fuckin part sounds a little forced, there were too many multis and not enuff punch power, substituting multis for punch power would work better for you, the justin beiber punch was actually more of a setup punch for a better punch, work on creativity, maybe using the punch you thought would be a main punch as a setup punch and search your brain for a better concept to throw in the mix. You have the basics down and the multis are placed correctly, just work on punch power for now, also using slightly better diction.

@Snoopy316
we live in THIS-NATION-WITH, gold digging bitches who "fraud-men" n force-them to pay em out once divorced but i'll BE-PAYIN-NIX, to THESE-SLAVERY-BITCH, how can they "out smart" men? women "fake orgasm" but men can fake the whole RELATIONSHIP like walkin out of a restaurant pretending to LEAVE-EM-SOME-TIPS!!!

okay man, you deff need some work on multis, I'm willing to help you with this, you rhymed 'this-nation-with' with be-payin-nix... this and be do not rhyme which throws off the scheme alot, also you need to watch your syllables, they should always be the same in the entire bar, be-payin-nix is 4 syllables, these-slav-er-y bitch is 5 syllables, the rest of the bar had a 4 syllable scheme, also the multis didnt make alot of sense and I feel you rushed the bar, these slavery bitch, makes no sense when read as a sentence, for you we arent going to focus on punches, we need to focus on writing each bar so that it makes sense as a sentence, thats the first step, next week work on your multis and word choice, hit me up before hand and I will discuss this with you.

@The Law
Stop 'Sugar coating ya lines' SPEAKING FROM YA BOSUM cause you couldn't keep ya 'bread glued in' with the PHYSIQUE OF A WOMAN with MEAT IN HER CUSHION!! (gluten)

ait so the bar was relevant but the multi sets didnt match up all the way through, you had pys-ique-of-a-wom-an rhyme with meat-in-her-cush-ion , the meat in her cushion is 5 syllables, the other is 6 along with the rest of the scheme, which threw off the punch power and scheme, also the bar itself didnt make too much sense, seemed rushed, I liked the wordplay, but your word choice was poor, also the bar was a little too short, you did follow the rules but you needed an extra multi set after the bosum to maximize punch power... the concept was good but it was poorly executed, pick better words, because the setup "bread glued in " when read like a sentence, what does bread glued in mean, sure I think I know what you mean its just sloppy execution, good job following the rules tho.

@TiG-Z ( we will discuss this on our own time and have a sit down, I got your pm and I will be working with you independently)

@cakedout
I'm only 17 but the KID RAPS TIGHT with SCRIPTS PACKED RIGHT so I can make you stare long like horny old men with BAD EYE SIGHT watching 2 chicks who ACTS BI NICE!
Okay so the punch itself was pretty weak, "i can make you stare long" somtimes stares arent good, did you mean you would leave them in awe, I cant stress enuff how important word choice is, the multis were really fillerish, scripts packed right, kid raps tight, you also switched up the rhyme scheme midway, kid/scripts to bad/acts ... dont know if you did this on purpose but watch that cus it takes away from the punch power, the main thing I would tell you to do Is pick more relevant multis, they seemed really elementary, also your punch was more of a setup punch, try taking the main punch you were going to use and using it as a setup punch for an even bigger punch. also Acts bi nice makes no sense , i know what you meant, but it just seems forced and not a good ending multi, take a little more time with the bar.

@JimmyDean
I prolly 'Got him sweating' like he BEEN in A FURNACE- Cuz if I find out he had inTENSIOns TA FLIRT WITH my CHICK, on HER WORK SHIFT. Then Clips'll meet this geek, just to 'sweep him off his feet' like this KID was OBSERVIN a TRICK that WAS GORGEOUS!
ait so the bar had pretty much all the essentials, you deff have the multis almost down completely leaving little space for improvement, keep that up, I liked how you added a punch before the main punch, only thing is the setup punch was a little weak concept wise, the main punch is more of a setup punch in heavyweight standards so try taking the main punch and using it as a setup next go round, then thinking a little harder for a more powerful concept. you used the rules ,nice. the period after work shift seemed like it didnt need to be there, kinda messed up the flow of the bar, I think in this case if it would have been left out then it could have had a harder punch impact, little things like this can effect a bar, maybe a question mark instead because it was more of a question, you are almost at heavyweight level just have some fine tuning to do and I will help you realize what it is you need to tune to take it to the next level

@Violent Scripture
Knowing how you claim to be gangster, you'll probably be TUCKING YA KNIFE QUICK but I will DUCK AND THEN RIGHT FIST and then start CLUBBING YOUR WHITE LIPS if you start FUCKING WITH MY BITCH! Say something to her please and I'll be CHUCKING AN ICE PICK to RUPTURE YA SINUS and when I let the "mac flare" you won't only be a "dick licker" when you start SUCKING THE NINE'S TIP
ait so the main thing here is the fact that you used alot of set up multis and you didnt max out on punch power, you could have added another punch in there to make the final punch hit harder, I liked some of the multis you used but the concept itself was really weak, you might want to watch some live battles or even read some of the better texters to get a clue on whats creative and what isnt, the bar was a little played and kinda weak, the big build of multis before it kinda made the reader thing that it would be a hard hitting bar when infact it let me down, so lets focus on less multis, more punch power, you dont want to get too creative because you arnt at that stage yet, next week I want you to try to use two punches in one bar. this way you take away from all the multis and focus more on the punches.

@The Art of War
You getting the win? Well that's a NOT EXACTLY BRO cause you with HOT AND FLASHY FLOWS? Nahhh this "bitch couldn't get points up" if this SLOPPY NASTY HOE made a BOBBY LASHLEY POSE! Ya JOTS IS TRASHY THOUGH yet you claim ya PLOTS IS CRASHING FOES? We'll only be "seen with googly eyes" when we're GAWKING AT THESE HOES when they're NOT WITH ANY CLOTHES!
ait so I like the fact you had two punches in this , but the multi choice was kinda elementary hot and flashy flows? the builds were good and you had good multi placement which makes the punches hit harder, but the I liked the bobby lashley pose line but the "bitch couldnt get points up setup was worded the wrong way which took away from impact, you should pay more attention to detail, make sure it makes complete sense , then read it again and think, "hey, if i was reading this from the outside looking in, would this make sense?" , the googly eyes punch was cool, real mediocre but you did what you could, somtimes the first concept you come up with isnt the one you need to pick, once you come up with a concept, rethink it, think how you can expand on it, flip it, etc, so next week focus on picking more complex words for the multis, and expanding on your concepts, think of ways to flip it to make it better, but remember it needs to read like a sentence

@Manhattan
Ya bitch is a prostitute the way the BOATS ROCKING FA GREEN she stays fucking and BLOW JOBBING THE TEAM She'll have 'More Loads Dumped In Her' when SLOW BOBBING AND SCREAMS That she'll be 'Shaking On The Ground: After It Starts' like OLD WASHING MACHINES when that HOES SLOBBING FA CREAM!!!
ait so the punch itself wasnt bad, the problem here lies the diction you picked, "when slow bobbing and screams" was forced because it didnt make sense when read, you need to make sure your multis make sense when read with the rest of the verse, also there was alot of filler, you had enuff space to add more punches in the mix to pump up ya last punch, the final punch was more of a setup punch than a haymaker, next go round practice expanding on ya punches, the first one you think of use it as a setup punch, then think a little harder and out of the box for the main punch thats gonna knock a nigga out, the shaking on the ground part is cool but you could have added some multis in there that related to her shaking, I like how you had relevant setups, but focus on punch power, see the bar of the week on how to use multis and punches to set up a smooth hard hitting bar

@Dissizit
I'm here to "Alter the Scenery" to TOP PERFECTION, I'll Hit whoevas "Hook'd On...Period!!(?)" I should STOP TAH MENTION, we'll "Engage ina Ring" when I POP: "THE QUESTION" afta "I put the Smith to ya Wife:Eye" Like Im usin CPU In the Kitchen while I GOT SOME LESSONS & DROPPED THE WESSON!!!/
ait so the main issue here is the amount of punctuation you have, you have great ideas but you fail to execute at times, you need to find a structure that is easier to read and follow because all the punctuation creates pauses and makes it hard for the reader to flow with the verse which ultimatly takes away from the punch power, you have some of the best wordplay but the execution is lacking which takes away from the creativity you have, heres an example where you didnt execute correctly which took away from the punch power because you didnt place the multis correctly... ex... "I POP: "THE QUESTION" [B]afta "I put the Smith to ya Wife:Eye" Like Im usin CPU In the Kitchen while[/B] I GOT SOME LESSONS & DROPPED THE WESSON!!!/ ait so the idea was dope, the wife eye, but the smith part was a stretch, also there was too much space from popped the question.... got some lessons...., you could use a little lesson in "inner multis" which you put inbetween main multi sets, not just the regular ones, I mean the ones where you think of other words to substitute for what you have that doesnt rhyme and make it rhyme, even if its just one word that rhymes with the first or last word of the main multi set.... if you have any problems with this hit me up, or see my battle vs Askari where I displayed this in the first half of the verse. You have great concepts and can be one of the best active if you work on ya structure/readability, Im going to make it my goal to help you with this because I see alot of potential with you.

OVERVIEW

Overall it seems like alot of you tend to use the first punch you come across as the main punch, by taking the time and trying to flip the punch to make it more creative, or even using it as a setup punch can go a long way, for most of you your multi choice is pretty bad, there is alot of filler in between multi sets and we will have a class on inner multis but for now you all should focus on picking more relevant multis that dont sound so elementary, more creative punches, instead of using the first punch you think of, think of how you can expand on it. Some of you need to work on making your bars read smoothly, alot of the time the punches dont make sense because when read aloud the multis are forced just to rhyme, others need to work on multi placement, the multi sets need to be placed correctly or it will take away from the punch impact you dont want to go alot of words without adding a multi set or atleast a word that rhymes with it .... example ... filler can come in diff forms, in this case you should have took the time to add multis inbetween the main multi sets for a better punch impact, you stayed relevant which was good, but from "VAG NOT TIGHT, SON!.......( I ate her 'pussy' out then she begged me 'not to say a word' which is ironic since she already knew the) .....CAT GOT MY TONGUE!!!" theres too much space between the first multi set and the last, which takes away ALOT from the punch power, the bar is then deemed stretched..... when there is so much space before and after the multi sets then it can take away from punch power because by then the reader might have forgot what the main multi set was... try reading your bars out loud, and when you have it, ask yourself " do i have to rush any of the words to make it sound good? does it seem like im saying the parts faster that dont rhyme ?

This is a good start though, we will have discussion 2mrw, then we will start week two when everyone understands what it is they need to work on, PLEASE ASK QUESTIONS, this way we will get somewhere and everyone might have the same question this way we all improve at the same time.

Good job everyone and once again congrats to @JimmyDean for the bar of the week!

[Erupt da Monsta]

WEEK ONE BREAKDOWNS


@Black Book
I can't keep my 'lips sealed'! Ya bitch the type who likes to SNACK OFF WHITE CUM! But she can't keep her vaginal lips sealed -Best believe that VAG NOT TIGHT, SON! I ate her 'pussy' out then she begged me 'not to say a word' which is ironic since she already knew the CAT GOT MY TONGUE!!!

Okay so the main problem here is that your multi sets are too far apart leaving alot of space for filler, filler can come in diff forms, in this case you should have took the time to add multis inbetween the main multi sets for a better punch impact, you stayed relevant which was good, but from "VAG NOT TIGHT, SON!.......( I ate her 'pussy' out then she begged me 'not to say a word' which is ironic since she already knew the) .....CAT GOT MY TONGUE!!!" theres too much space between the first multi set and the last, which takes away ALOT from the punch power, the bar is then deemed stretched, this happens alot with long bar, if you want i can show you short bar, which is what I use most of the time when im not being lazy, this way you get maximum punch impact and little to no filler words. the cat got my tongue punch was actually pretty good, just the build multi wise was very poor. Also you didnt understand the rules fully, which got you a 69%.

@Agonize
How old are you SON, A TEEN OR SO? Young'n couldn't ah BRUNG A WEAKER FOE aint no swollen lips left leakin from a PUNCH THIS TWEENER THROWS so i'll rush the stage quick and body this underage bitch like FUCKIN EAGER HO'S front row at JUSTIN BEIBER SHOWS
Okay you did follow the rules which is good, the bar was relevant, the multis could have been better thought out but still relevant to an extent, the structure was good, the only thing is the concept was pretty weak, needs to be a little more complex, also there were a few forced multis like "fuckin eager ho's" the fuckin part sounds a little forced, there were too many multis and not enuff punch power, substituting multis for punch power would work better for you, the justin beiber punch was actually more of a setup punch for a better punch, work on creativity, maybe using the punch you thought would be a main punch as a setup punch and search your brain for a better concept to throw in the mix. You have the basics down and the multis are placed correctly, just work on punch power for now, also using slightly better diction.

@Snoopy316
we live in THIS-NATION-WITH, gold digging bitches who "fraud-men" n force-them to pay em out once divorced but i'll BE-PAYIN-NIX, to THESE-SLAVERY-BITCH, how can they "out smart" men? women "fake orgasm" but men can fake the whole RELATIONSHIP like walkin out of a restaurant pretending to LEAVE-EM-SOME-TIPS!!!

okay man, you deff need some work on multis, I'm willing to help you with this, you rhymed 'this-nation-with' with be-payin-nix... this and be do not rhyme which throws off the scheme alot, also you need to watch your syllables, they should always be the same in the entire bar, be-payin-nix is 4 syllables, these-slav-er-y bitch is 5 syllables, the rest of the bar had a 4 syllable scheme, also the multis didnt make alot of sense and I feel you rushed the bar, these slavery bitch, makes no sense when read as a sentence, for you we arent going to focus on punches, we need to focus on writing each bar so that it makes sense as a sentence, thats the first step, next week work on your multis and word choice, hit me up before hand and I will discuss this with you.

@The Law
Stop 'Sugar coating ya lines' SPEAKING FROM YA BOSUM cause you couldn't keep ya 'bread glued in' with the PHYSIQUE OF A WOMAN with MEAT IN HER CUSHION!! (gluten)

ait so the bar was relevant but the multi sets didnt match up all the way through, you had pys-ique-of-a-wom-an rhyme with meat-in-her-cush-ion , the meat in her cushion is 5 syllables, the other is 6 along with the rest of the scheme, which threw off the punch power and scheme, also the bar itself didnt make too much sense, seemed rushed, I liked the wordplay, but your word choice was poor, also the bar was a little too short, you did follow the rules but you needed an extra multi set after the bosum to maximize punch power... the concept was good but it was poorly executed, pick better words, because the setup "bread glued in " when read like a sentence, what does bread glued in mean, sure I think I know what you mean its just sloppy execution, good job following the rules tho.

@TiG-Z ( we will discuss this on our own time and have a sit down, I got your pm and I will be working with you independently)

@cakedout
I'm only 17 but the KID RAPS TIGHT with SCRIPTS PACKED RIGHT so I can make you stare long like horny old men with BAD EYE SIGHT watching 2 chicks who ACTS BI NICE!
Okay so the punch itself was pretty weak, "i can make you stare long" somtimes stares arent good, did you mean you would leave them in awe, I cant stress enuff how important word choice is, the multis were really fillerish, scripts packed right, kid raps tight, you also switched up the rhyme scheme midway, kid/scripts to bad/acts ... dont know if you did this on purpose but watch that cus it takes away from the punch power, the main thing I would tell you to do Is pick more relevant multis, they seemed really elementary, also your punch was more of a setup punch, try taking the main punch you were going to use and using it as a setup punch for an even bigger punch. also Acts bi nice makes no sense , i know what you meant, but it just seems forced and not a good ending multi, take a little more time with the bar.

@JimmyDean
I prolly 'Got him sweating' like he BEEN in A FURNACE- Cuz if I find out he had inTENSIOns TA FLIRT WITH my CHICK, on HER WORK SHIFT. Then Clips'll meet this geek, just to 'sweep him off his feet' like this KID was OBSERVIN a TRICK that WAS GORGEOUS!
ait so the bar had pretty much all the essentials, you deff have the multis almost down completely leaving little space for improvement, keep that up, I liked how you added a punch before the main punch, only thing is the setup punch was a little weak concept wise, the main punch is more of a setup punch in heavyweight standards so try taking the main punch and using it as a setup next go round, then thinking a little harder for a more powerful concept. you used the rules ,nice. the period after work shift seemed like it didnt need to be there, kinda messed up the flow of the bar, I think in this case if it would have been left out then it could have had a harder punch impact, little things like this can effect a bar, maybe a question mark instead because it was more of a question, you are almost at heavyweight level just have some fine tuning to do and I will help you realize what it is you need to tune to take it to the next level

@Violent Scripture
Knowing how you claim to be gangster, you'll probably be TUCKING YA KNIFE QUICK but I will DUCK AND THEN RIGHT FIST and then start CLUBBING YOUR WHITE LIPS if you start FUCKING WITH MY BITCH! Say something to her please and I'll be CHUCKING AN ICE PICK to RUPTURE YA SINUS and when I let the "mac flare" you won't only be a "dick licker" when you start SUCKING THE NINE'S TIP
ait so the main thing here is the fact that you used alot of set up multis and you didnt max out on punch power, you could have added another punch in there to make the final punch hit harder, I liked some of the multis you used but the concept itself was really weak, you might want to watch some live battles or even read some of the better texters to get a clue on whats creative and what isnt, the bar was a little played and kinda weak, the big build of multis before it kinda made the reader thing that it would be a hard hitting bar when infact it let me down, so lets focus on less multis, more punch power, you dont want to get too creative because you arnt at that stage yet, next week I want you to try to use two punches in one bar. this way you take away from all the multis and focus more on the punches.

@The Art of War
You getting the win? Well that's a NOT EXACTLY BRO cause you with HOT AND FLASHY FLOWS? Nahhh this "bitch couldn't get points up" if this SLOPPY NASTY HOE made a BOBBY LASHLEY POSE! Ya JOTS IS TRASHY THOUGH yet you claim ya PLOTS IS CRASHING FOES? We'll only be "seen with googly eyes" when we're GAWKING AT THESE HOES when they're NOT WITH ANY CLOTHES!
ait so I like the fact you had two punches in this , but the multi choice was kinda elementary hot and flashy flows? the builds were good and you had good multi placement which makes the punches hit harder, but the I liked the bobby lashley pose line but the "bitch couldnt get points up setup was worded the wrong way which took away from impact, you should pay more attention to detail, make sure it makes complete sense , then read it again and think, "hey, if i was reading this from the outside looking in, would this make sense?" , the googly eyes punch was cool, real mediocre but you did what you could, somtimes the first concept you come up with isnt the one you need to pick, once you come up with a concept, rethink it, think how you can expand on it, flip it, etc, so next week focus on picking more complex words for the multis, and expanding on your concepts, think of ways to flip it to make it better, but remember it needs to read like a sentence

@Manhattan
Ya bitch is a prostitute the way the BOATS ROCKING FA GREEN she stays fucking and BLOW JOBBING THE TEAM She'll have 'More Loads Dumped In Her' when SLOW BOBBING AND SCREAMS That she'll be 'Shaking On The Ground: After It Starts' like OLD WASHING MACHINES when that HOES SLOBBING FA CREAM!!!
ait so the punch itself wasnt bad, the problem here lies the diction you picked, "when slow bobbing and screams" was forced because it didnt make sense when read, you need to make sure your multis make sense when read with the rest of the verse, also there was alot of filler, you had enuff space to add more punches in the mix to pump up ya last punch, the final punch was more of a setup punch than a haymaker, next go round practice expanding on ya punches, the first one you think of use it as a setup punch, then think a little harder and out of the box for the main punch thats gonna knock a nigga out, the shaking on the ground part is cool but you could have added some multis in there that related to her shaking, I like how you had relevant setups, but focus on punch power, see the bar of the week on how to use multis and punches to set up a smooth hard hitting bar

@Dissizit
I'm here to "Alter the Scenery" to TOP PERFECTION, I'll Hit whoevas "Hook'd On...Period!!(?)" I should STOP TAH MENTION, we'll "Engage ina Ring" when I POP: "THE QUESTION" afta "I put the Smith to ya Wife:Eye" Like Im usin CPU In the Kitchen while I GOT SOME LESSONS & DROPPED THE WESSON!!!/
ait so the main issue here is the amount of punctuation you have, you have great ideas but you fail to execute at times, you need to find a structure that is easier to read and follow because all the punctuation creates pauses and makes it hard for the reader to flow with the verse which ultimatly takes away from the punch power, you have some of the best wordplay but the execution is lacking which takes away from the creativity you have, heres an example where you didnt execute correctly which took away from the punch power because you didnt place the multis correctly... ex... "I POP: "THE QUESTION" [B]afta "I put the Smith to ya Wife:Eye" Like Im usin CPU In the Kitchen while[/B] I GOT SOME LESSONS & DROPPED THE WESSON!!!/ ait so the idea was dope, the wife eye, but the smith part was a stretch, also there was too much space from popped the question.... got some lessons...., you could use a little lesson in "inner multis" which you put inbetween main multi sets, not just the regular ones, I mean the ones where you think of other words to substitute for what you have that doesnt rhyme and make it rhyme, even if its just one word that rhymes with the first or last word of the main multi set.... if you have any problems with this hit me up, or see my battle vs Askari where I displayed this in the first half of the verse. You have great concepts and can be one of the best active if you work on ya structure/readability, Im going to make it my goal to help you with this because I see alot of potential with you.

OVERVIEW

Overall it seems like alot of you tend to use the first punch you come across as the main punch, by taking the time and trying to flip the punch to make it more creative, or even using it as a setup punch can go a long way, for most of you your multi choice is pretty bad, there is alot of filler in between multi sets and we will have a class on inner multis but for now you all should focus on picking more relevant multis that dont sound so elementary, more creative punches, instead of using the first punch you think of, think of how you can expand on it. Some of you need to work on making your bars read smoothly, alot of the time the punches dont make sense because when read aloud the multis are forced just to rhyme, others need to work on multi placement, the multi sets need to be placed correctly or it will take away from the punch impact you dont want to go alot of words without adding a multi set or atleast a word that rhymes with it .... example ... filler can come in diff forms, in this case you should have took the time to add multis inbetween the main multi sets for a better punch impact, you stayed relevant which was good, but from "VAG NOT TIGHT, SON!.......( I ate her 'pussy' out then she begged me 'not to say a word' which is ironic since she already knew the) .....CAT GOT MY TONGUE!!!" theres too much space between the first multi set and the last, which takes away ALOT from the punch power, the bar is then deemed stretched..... when there is so much space before and after the multi sets then it can take away from punch power because by then the reader might have forgot what the main multi set was... try reading your bars out loud, and when you have it, ask yourself " do i have to rush any of the words to make it sound good? does it seem like im saying the parts faster that dont rhyme ?

This is a good start though, we will have discussion 2mrw, then we will start week two when everyone understands what it is they need to work on, PLEASE ASK QUESTIONS, this way we will get somewhere and everyone might have the same question this way we all improve at the same time.

Good job everyone and once again congrats to @JimmyDean for the bar of the week!