Writer 30
War At Sea
They move from tha BOAT TO THA ROCKS HOPING THA SHOT to this whale! will leave it OPEN AN POPPED! they Spear! Stab! FOLLOW IT! PULL! they're all attacking this whale as no SORROW BEFALLS, then they hear it! they turn as tha 'ocean mouth' opens up to their boat? then SWALLOWS IT ALL!. Now all 4 men are STRANDED AT SEA! but wait! now more waves rise STANDING AND FREE CRASHING AT THESE! tha waves seperate one man from the group but hes LANDED AT FEET! So now the CREW HAS STALLED PARTLY he still has hold of the whale so to the other 3 whalers? tha VIEW IS ALL ARTY but wait! whats that in the distance? its neptunes UNICORN ARMY! already a FEW HAVE GONE PASSED SEE so now the CREW PERFORM TASK B! they strike a lonely unicorn ATTACKING WITH ROPES! the beast is now FLAPPING AND CHOKED! the unicorn is holding his own with three ropes ATTACHED TO HIS THROAT! It seemed the whalers were winning BEATING THE TYRANTS stranded on the rocks? they're not LEAVING THE ISLANDS but whats that rising from the waves? now their SEEING A TRIDENT! now the four men need to GET THROUGH THEIR FEARS knowing they cant FETCH NEWER SPEARS the beasts of the sea have now relaxed now the sea god NEPTUNE APPEARS! ''You shall not take them!'' is what he SCREAMS TO THE MEN! they now hope to leave the SCENE WITH THE PEN but once they die and meet Neptune's brother Zeus? they're bound to be BLEEDING AGAIN! Neptune strikes! now they BLEED FROM EVERY PALM! left floating in the water? they will be LEAVING EVERY ARM! once the final wave strikes? everythings still! so what you'll 'SEE' IS VERY CALM! So thats ALL THAT THEY'LL BE from the WAR OF THE SEA! cant say who I am so what i will say THE AUTHOR WAS ME!
Black Book: First thing I noticed is your structure. You typed it like it was a text battle; this is not the same type of writing. You should write in more of a poetry style. The structure you used also affected your flow, making the fluency of the piece a bit choppy in places. Your actual story lines was a bit predictable. Then the unicorn army part came.. What the fuck? A unicorn army? Alright then... And that Crew Perform Task B rhyme. No, do not word stuff like that in a topical. The end of the story was predictable and very uneventful really. People were caught in a storm, stranded, and died. Then you tried to a tie a bit of mystery into the end but it was just blah. You'll need to step up in round two to get a win.
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Writer 27
The Wheels Keep On Turning
Date, July 23rd 2012.
The desert heat beat on my face,
Never before have I longed to feel so cold,
My heart was placid, repeating it's pace,
How can someone so young, feel so old?
The house was silent,
No one in the home would speak,
Future event's foreshadowed, by clouds of violence,
Thunder roared, the phone would ring.
I answered in a mellow mood,
"Hello"? Sobs just bellowed through.
It was Evan's number, but a female's cry,
"Chris it's Shauna, Evan died".
My throw seized up, the world opened wide,
It swallowed me whole as I closed my eyes,
As I choked the earth, I became choked inside....
But time passed, though it hurt when I lost him,
The wheel kept turning, the world has forgotten.
They say they're still alive in all of us,
Or just lies for calming us?
The wheel spins on it's own agenda,
It just trek's on, no hindrance,
Not even when I lost Shannon,
In a head on collision.
It forgets about lives, we face,
Lies to save our vibrant race,
Yet our spirits die, erase,
Forgotten because this wheel stands outside,
Of time and space....
Now a days I step outside, the world still moans,
The wind sparkles in essence of memory,
But when will this wheel's swirl just slow?
A cycle repeated, cherished then forgotten,
Born, raised, some perish, some wonder.
Some fail at marriage, some are fostered,
Lost in an abyss, sons and daughters....
And that Wheel, free of pain, free of yearning,
Through life, death, happiness, and sorrow,
Standing outside Time and Space,
That Wheel just keeps on turning.
R.I.P E & S
Black Book: This piece had great flow to it. It was very fluent and the imagery was pretty good. Then the first mentioning of the title connected the title to the piece well. While it was a bit predictable, it was still a good connection with your story line. The piece picked up when Shannon was mentioned. The imagery was again very spot on. The piece closes out with a good resolution too with the imagery still remaining very good. The vocabulary was a bit advanced, nothing too impressive. However, I feel the simplicity went with the piece. This was a pretty good piece here.
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Writer 26
Messages In Invisible Ink
I’ll make extremists cower and squeamish using my grievous methods
Even Jesus couldn’t devour this Zenith even with his prestigious lessons
Plus Demons believe power is beneath his reason to relieve his stresses
So God can keep his hour to teach treason, victims receive its message
I might go fast or until your confession, my intentions dream in essence
This psychopath grieves conception; my investment is to eat intestines
Nights don’t last and seem aggressive, fears expression can be intensive
My own past deceives and oppresses, deception leads to consequences
Why believe in any adolescence? I’ll just slaughter people with proper evil
My daughter’s feeble acts to stop a monsters needle rocked her peephole
I got her beat so I attacked that little mongered weasel like a stalkers sequel
I’m obscure but lethal; I stomped on her Beagle and chopped her in equals
I break guys
Using copper or steal, I also love to use hacksaws razors and steak knifes
I really hate life so I take lives, using cracked laws, Tasers and tape right
I need to rape my mate twice, than I attack flaws, my haters face fright
Gaped eyes are raked & prized; last calls went to his maker & escaped life
I’m
Usually baked or fried, but still take pride when I slash throats & dash hopes
I’ve bashed folks in the hundreds; I’ve arrived home at last so I can stash Joe
I stole his cash & comb, souvenirs are mine, I’ll smash those who act slow
Joe was my last bro, this shit’s asinine, I keep killin past hope, I’m trapped so
I won’t adapt to no assholes, control, my mission completes my inner visions
A sinner’s wisdom is a no holds show; its description beats any pictures given
I’m like a winter prison, cold, & on a roll, victims fall in heaps like fixtures stricken
My scriptures religion, I worship bones & those delicious feet, dinners a Christian
This winner has risen, plus I have the mental capacity & the essential audacity
To outlast these creeps, my temples a catastrophe, it’s my eventual blasphemy
I’m an outcast & meek, at home I disassemble anatomies like medaled causalities
I’ve assembled fantastically detrimental tragedies & they all trembled drastically
I’m to judgmental so classically victims magically think they’re individual links
My residual rink has a habitual ring, inflictions & travesties are like indivisible ink
Black Book: The rhyming and flow were spot on. Very good use of vocab. The story connected to the picture but it was sort of a rant. I get you were trying to portray a psychopath but the ranting was sort of just filling up space. Then the story never really involved into anything. It just continued into a rant about how much of a psychopath you are. Rhyme and flow wise this was good. Story line wise this was alright. You have potential, just work on your story telling.
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Writer 4
A Reaper's Serenade
Hush Gingerbread Lady! There's naught to fear
I'm your inner-bred baby who's seen your tears lately
A millionaire's Hades is not austere!
I know your woes and heart. I am nearer
A fire that rose from spark, through deluge, your Noah's Ark
You brushed and stroked this art, I'm your mirror
Amidst your Elysian Fields, a ghostly apparition?
What prisons yield to and sire
Wisdom heals with cozy admonition!
Attesting your gleaming frills, look close at my condition
Fate must heal to inspire
Hidden ills withholding thy commission!
Don't speak! I come bearing a message
It's here in your presence and peering through questions
Stand firm on both feet, you're nearing your essence!
It's time! You must loosen the fetters
The truth is forever to prove you were better
If senescence is might, our youth is a feather...
And here's the truth Oh Sweet Gingerbread!
The throes we deeply dread forgo the dreams instead
Find after years of proof, they're mostly in your head
Reject this pall haven, a stolen coup kingdom
Light must traverse overdue prisms
For death is salvation..the only true freedom!
Had we not skimmed shores in yore on rafts of laughter?
Fear not the last of matter
For we were before "before" and after "after"
So hush Gingerbread Queen! Atone to the silence.
A toast to your highness who's closing her eye-lids!
Embrace me. I'll show you what "life" is.
Black Book: Good rhyming and flow to start. The vocabulary was also very nice. I feel for a small section of the piece you started to focus on vocabulary too much which takes away from how well the story comes across. I mean it's good to use vocab, but if you use too much, it could end up hurting a reader's capability to understand what is happening. The story evolved slowly with not much happening but it had a good metaphor to it. The Gingerbread Queen concept was also interesting. It was a good type of interesting, though. Overall, this was a pretty good piece. Their could have been more of a story to it. Something that had progression and resolution, but it wasn't that big of a problem. Also, focus on making some stuff more clear. The vocab seemed a bit excessive in places and caused parts to be a bit foggy on what you were trying to convey. Good drop, though.
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Writer 22
Underground Palace
Coal. Carbon. Black sedimentary rock.
A fossilized pocket of light, non-renewable energy stocks.
We are it and it is us, it exists inside of all life forms,
From the simple to complex, all owe existence to carbon and its bonds.
Mining begins in 300BC at the height of the Roman Republic,
Greek engineers discovered how to extract coal in abundance.
They invented deep shaft mining, the use of coal to cast iron,
Simultaneously in Carthage the Moors began to extract diamonds.
This was only the beginning, the start of an experience,
Faster and faster we developed throughout the medieval period.
Because even the dark ages were fueled by coal,
Lime mortar built the castles to fulfill the feudal roles.
The stone cities brought wealth and fortune, but also destitution,
Faster and faster we developed, we reach the industrial revolution.
During the scramble for Africa, from Cape to Cairo the British Empire stretched,
The French from Sahara to Algeria, the Spaniards from Tangiers to Marrakech.
Why? It was colonization for coal. Coal for the new inventions and trains.
Coal for the factories, coal mined by slaves, and coal made into chains.
This race for coal was a driving force behind the First World War,
That’s why we laugh when we say Iraq has not been done before.
Faster and faster we develop, it’s how we humans race,
Faster and faster we mine the coal at an unrelenting pace.
The future of coal mining appears bleak,
An over-exploitation of natural resources that will one day reach its peak.
Maybe that day has already passed, maybe it has come and go,
Maybe we have harvested so much that nothing more can ever grow.
How long can we continue faster and faster at an unsustainable rate?
How long can we continue onwards until the whole system breaks?
Then what is our fate? We built our Palace upon these ancient foundations,
Formed over millions of years, and mined out of existence within 100 generations.
Black Book: This shit started off like a history/science lesson which is good and bad. It is good because it adds f actuality and background to the piece, but it is bad because it can be a tad bit boring. However, the piece flowed well and the rhyming was on point. When you got to the "lime mortar built the castles to fulfill the feudal roles" is when the piece really made the connection to the topic. This was a key part of the piece. You also used good vocabulary here while keeping a balance with it, though. You didn't overuse advance vocab. The piece was a history lesson but it was good because it allowed great progression of the story line and turned into a piece that addressed real world issues. This was very nice! You also ended it very well with a great conclusion. This was a very good piece overall.