[Shodan]

First off: Both of these contenders had very, VERY good verses. I want to get this said first and foremost. Regardless of any criticisms I'm about to drop in this expo, I am astounded by you both.

Dono: This could have taken a turn for the worse quickly, but you made it work. For the most part, the rhyming blended into the background, adding lyrical fluidity to the piece while not being distracting. I even found myself starting to read your verse aloud at some points without realizing it. The flip side of that is that you had several places where the rhyming wasn't quite perfect or stood out a bit too much, and the sonority of the rest of the piece made those spots stick out like a sore thumb.

I can tell that you were trying to convey raw emotion with this piece. For the most part, you succeeded by creating an atmosphere conducive to achieving that effect. Everything from the italics, the letter format, the implication of the sender and receiver being in a homosexual relationship in a society that frowns upon such, and the story itself, all tied up together beautifully to create an emotional rollercoaster ride that actually had me crying near the end. I feel like with very emotional pieces such as this one, it's nearly impossible to write them without feeling overly melodramatic in some places - especially with a basic emotion that's difficult to convey without doing that, like sadness. While you mostly avoided this (or it blended in well enough to not be noticeable), I feel like you still fell victim to this in some places.

Overall, this was an excellent verse, but one with a few flaws that were made far more noticeable because of it.

Lockhart: While the more concrete, story-based approach you took in writing this verse didn't leave you with very much room to compete with Dono's poeticism and emotionality, you still did a very good job with conveying sadness and telling the story you wanted to be told. While the rhymes didn't have perfect fluidity throughout most of the verse, they definitely weren't forced or in any way bad, and there were some parts where the rhyming was very good and added a level of impact to the bar without feeling excessively show-offy.

The story you told intrigued me a lot. The idea of a father doing something that so enraged his son that they came to blows is a bit cliched, but it still gave impressions of simultaneous sorrow and rage, which would probably be what I would feel doing something like that. The way you ended with a modified version of the beginning, almost like a chorus, wrapped everything up nicely; though I do feel that the space could very possibly have been better used to add more to the story.

This verse didn't produce the same emotional reaction from me that Dono's did, but, in a way, it left more of an impression on me. You put rhyming at the forefront instead of the background, and it made something that could easily be a highly-inflected spoken word piece. Very powerful stuff.

THE FINAL VERDICT: There were two entirely different approaches here. Dono took the quiet, thoughtful, deep approach; Lockhart took the direct, in-your-face approach. Neither of those approaches are better than the other by themselves. The verses dropped had noticeable flaws, but they can't really be called anything less than great, because the "big picture" overshadows much of that. This wasn't an easy choice for me, but in the end, I had to go with the topical that I found to be more impactful. The fair's in; respect it.

Dono: 8.5
Lockhart: 8

MVGT: Dono

---------- Post added at 10:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:08 PM ----------

(One final question, what's up with people capitalizing "Dad," "Father," and personal pronouns referring to the same? I've only ever seen people do that when referring to the Abrahamic conceptions of God, except for a few mid-Southerners; is that some Carolinas thing?)

[Shodan]

First off: Both of these contenders had very, VERY good verses. I want to get this said first and foremost. Regardless of any criticisms I'm about to drop in this expo, I am astounded by you both.

Dono: This could have taken a turn for the worse quickly, but you made it work. For the most part, the rhyming blended into the background, adding lyrical fluidity to the piece while not being distracting. I even found myself starting to read your verse aloud at some points without realizing it. The flip side of that is that you had several places where the rhyming wasn't quite perfect or stood out a bit too much, and the sonority of the rest of the piece made those spots stick out like a sore thumb.

I can tell that you were trying to convey raw emotion with this piece. For the most part, you succeeded by creating an atmosphere conducive to achieving that effect. Everything from the italics, the letter format, the implication of the sender and receiver being in a homosexual relationship in a society that frowns upon such, and the story itself, all tied up together beautifully to create an emotional rollercoaster ride that actually had me crying near the end. I feel like with very emotional pieces such as this one, it's nearly impossible to write them without feeling overly melodramatic in some places - especially with a basic emotion that's difficult to convey without doing that, like sadness. While you mostly avoided this (or it blended in well enough to not be noticeable), I feel like you still fell victim to this in some places.

Overall, this was an excellent verse, but one with a few flaws that were made far more noticeable because of it.

Lockhart: While the more concrete, story-based approach you took in writing this verse didn't leave you with very much room to compete with Dono's poeticism and emotionality, you still did a very good job with conveying sadness and telling the story you wanted to be told. While the rhymes didn't have perfect fluidity throughout most of the verse, they definitely weren't forced or in any way bad, and there were some parts where the rhyming was very good and added a level of impact to the bar without feeling excessively show-offy.

The story you told intrigued me a lot. The idea of a father doing something that so enraged his son that they came to blows is a bit cliched, but it still gave impressions of simultaneous sorrow and rage, which would probably be what I would feel doing something like that. The way you ended with a modified version of the beginning, almost like a chorus, wrapped everything up nicely; though I do feel that the space could very possibly have been better used to add more to the story.

This verse didn't produce the same emotional reaction from me that Dono's did, but, in a way, it left more of an impression on me. You put rhyming at the forefront instead of the background, and it made something that could easily be a highly-inflected spoken word piece. Very powerful stuff.

THE FINAL VERDICT: There were two entirely different approaches here. Dono took the quiet, thoughtful, deep approach; Lockhart took the direct, in-your-face approach. Neither of those approaches are better than the other by themselves. The verses dropped had noticeable flaws, but they can't really be called anything less than great, because the "big picture" overshadows much of that. This wasn't an easy choice for me, but in the end, I had to go with the topical that I found to be more impactful. The fair's in; respect it.

Dono: 8.5
Lockhart: 8

MVGT: Dono

---------- Post added at 10:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:08 PM ----------

(One final question, what's up with people capitalizing "Dad," "Father," and personal pronouns referring to the same? I've only ever seen people do that when referring to the Abrahamic conceptions of God, except for a few mid-Southerners; is that some Carolinas thing?)