ATT 2018 ROUND 1: Writer 14 vs Writer 16 (Writer 14 wins 3-0)

[NOBLE]

Writer 14 vs. Writer 16

Rules
Verses are due by Thursday, February 8th at 11:59 PM Eastern (GMT-5).
Verses must be sent to NOBLE via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers will be changed every round.
Check your PM to find out which number you are for the round.

Topic
http://i68.tinypic.com/wv47yq.png

[NOBLE]

Writer 14


[*Seagulls squarkin' off in the distance....*]

The golden ocean tide begins to lose tempo,
while the beacon in the sky proceeds to dwindle,
now as I've lost my way, with thoughts of pray,
I know nothing can guide me like the wind-will.
At that moment of peace, deep down underneath,
a sound bellowed with the most whaling of grief.
So I float here through consciences and reality,
subdued, due to the helplessness and calamity,
I find myself on the verge of going overboard..
With no hopes of feeling so restored, i'm ensured,
this sunset marks the end of my journey for sure.
The creature that lurks, whispers through the sea,
and persuades me to end the misery with a leap,
as I plummet, I turn to the light as my sanctuary,
condensed within the temperatures of mid January,
I notice on the ship, as my final moments conclude,
and I don't believe it! The hopelessness is untrue,
if you're whom i've been seeking, and its, really you?
You were with me the whole time, I just never knew...

A friend of mine passed away, by an apparent suicide this week. RIP B.P. 1993-2018

VS

Writer 16

We are known as the Blackbeard’s, we had Goals and Present Dreams
Even though we’re a gang of noble crooks who Roamed the Seven Seas
And we are residing from a poor land that is So Unsettling
so I joined them to help with the Many Ways to Change It/
Pillaging islands near Japan, bringing Semi’s, Treys, And Gauges
I was told to stay back in case there were Any Change in Phases
But we left the islands victorious, bringing Many Freights and Cases
Now we onward back to our home land through Heavy Waves and Raining
Eleven mornings, eleven nights, with only Twenty Days Remaining/
One day, there was no room, The crew had a celebration when Dusk’ll Break
Everyone was partying by the stern of the ship, they stayed Up Till Late
Nothing but bottles of rum and dime bags, they all were Drunk and Baked
But I was standing by the bow looking at the horizon, it was Fucking Great/
The rays were soothing my state of mind, man this Ship Life Wavy
wanting to see how these opaque skies turn into Midnight Navy
Leaned over the edge, wind hitting my face, the Draft Was Perfect
At that next moment, we hit a wave, it made me Black and Nervous/
It threw me overboard, hit my head, Smacked the Cervix/
tryna reach for the side, my hand wouldn’t go Pass the Surface
15 feet deep, at that point, I knew it was time to stop Bein Persistent
Vision blurring, lungs failing, then I noticed something Seen in the Distance/
A large black shadow swimming under me, I was scared for my life/
I was about to be eaten alive, and I’m prepared for the bite/
but I suddenly felt myself Rising Through the Depths, I’m Gliding to the Left
My head pops out the water and see the sun Shining to the West/
Trying to regain my train of thought as I’m Gasping fa Air/
What the fuck did just save my life, i couldn’t Grasp the Affair/
Then I hear my name being called, and that is not what I Expected
Spun around and saw the Blackbeard’s sailing the boat in My Direction/
I can’t explain what happened, I’m just thankful I’m Alive and Well
As I am watching the sun slowly begin to dive Behind the Swells/

[NOBLE]

If anyone is unsure of how to assess and vote on a topical, read this thread: https://www.letsbeef.com/forums/showthread.php?t=111399

[Shodan]

My favorite part about this battle isn't an excerpt from or trait of either verse, or even either verse in its entirety. My favorite part about this battle is the presumably unintentional thematic counterpoint created by the juxtaposition of conflicting outcomes arising from a somewhat similar situation. The first verse is about someone committing suicide, which generally occurs during a state of extreme despair and hopelessness about the future. The second verse is about someone escaping a seemingly hopeless situation. The resulting aesthetic is undoubtedly fodder for a motivational poster in a therapist's office.


Now, for the actual expo:

Writer 14: Personal investment aside, there is a certain wisdom in relating content to a recent tragedy in your social circle. Guilting people against voting for your opponent is a well-known and often effective tactic, as one can observe in the attack ads omnipresent in every major election.

The rhyming, wording, and execution weren't stellar but they weren't bad enough to make for a frustrating read either. One question: I counted 19 lines in the main section, which is just below the length limit. Are you counting the opening and ending lines towards that, thereby resulting in a 21-line verse?

I think the most interesting aspect of your verse was its metaphorical presentation of severe depression as an unstoppable monstrosity from which one can only flee to the safety provided by others. I would not be surprised if many people suffering from major depression identified with that idea.

Overall, this verse presented an excellent, if perhaps obvious, take on the topic, though it could certainly have used some technical polishing. 8 out of 10.


Writer 16: At 31 lines, this verse was slightly over the length limit, so I can't help but dock you for that. Still, I also can't fault you for wanting to present a meaty verse, and yours certainly had more raw content than your opponent's.

The most obvious flaw in this verse was the sheer amount of forced multis. Many of them were awkward or clearly written just to hold the scheme, e.g., "smacked the cervix," "heavy waves and raining." Some of them outright bordered on illiterate, e.g., "up till late" - I've never heard anybody describe a long night of partying as "staying up till late." "Stayed up late," yes, "stayed up until the late hours," maybe, but "stayed up till late?" No.

Your story was pretty much a straight-up literal interpretation of the topic. I'm not saying that that's inherently bad, but verses with an obvious take on the topic have to attain higher writing standards to maintain my interest, and yours didn't.

This verse wasn't bad, but it was way too flawed to win. 6 out of 10.

My Vote Goes To: Writer 14

[KG The Prince]

One used tha topic given and twisted it into their own recent unique personal experience. Tha whale's coming up to tha surface and tha writer's feeling of tragedy intertwined to produce a meaningful and subtle verse. Wasn't too complex but it was natural and this hit for me.

Tha other writer based his verse off tha picture given, which there is nothing with, but some parts sounded really weird and even though this verse was more complex, tha imagery used wasn't as good as #14's write up.

Overall, one had a better use of tha topic whilst not being too creative but still producing a good verse, whilst tha other had a more story-like verse which was complex but had more faults in tha verse.

MVGT: Writer 14

[Brayne Ded]

I've read both verses several times now. Writer 14, you had a good interpretation of the topic and used a lot of effective imagery to paint a picture along with your story of grief. Rhyming was simple but effective. It was a smooth read. Writer 16, you had a more complex verse in terms of schemes but.. it might have been too much. Some of it seemed forced or awkwardly worded. Also, I don't know why but the talk of partying and dimebags didn't seem to fit in with the theme. Wasn't sure what time period you were going for. Good read from both of you, good luck in future rounds.

My vote goes to: Writer 14.

[NOBLE]

Writer 14 wins via 3-0 KO. Congrats!