Rant's Critique Cloud:

[Rant]

This is a thread where I'll be giving out bar by bar break downs of verses posted for feedback. I may not get to all of them right away, but, I'll always do my best to get to as many of them as I can, whenever I can.

If you'd like to leave verses before sending, and risk giving your opponent an edge, you can do that. But, pretty much this'll be for verses from closed battles.

[Nessie Menace]

Rant

You think he's a G? He’s nothing but a "dwarf" that lacks "HEART AND SOUL"! I’ve got the crew at my back, I'm "GUARDING-HOLMES" and this is “my-croft” so when I 'Silence This G' it ain't a "GARDEN GNOME!!" You're a snake "LACKING A SPINE" acting hard thinking Macc Supporting Your Back if he's "GRABBING THE NINE?" Imma "FINISH THIS QUICK" and show you're 'Out of Place, When We Line Up' w/o "SLIPPING A DISC!" You think your “punches penetrate?” But there lacklustre like your girl “PRETENDING TO BE SO HORNY” And You're Out of Place Here like showing Up w/ Erectile Dysfunction when “ATTENDING AN EPIC ORGY!!”

[Subreal]

Rant


I fucked yo bitch in my gucci flip flops then did a flip flop. This is hip hop. Bat god in this bitch catching bodies, u thought u was tough cuz u had a shotty, take a shit down ur mouth like thats a potty, bat god got gats and hotties. Bat god on the pursuit of happiness, fucked yo bitch again cuz her moves were adequate. put that red dot on ur head like a indian girl, give that bitch pennies and pearls. Fucked yo mom with no protection, now the bat god got some infections, but I learned my lesson, but u still fuck her so now u got infections. Bat god shoot you with a gun, that would b fun ~The Bat God~.

[Shodan]

Rant

I picked this one because it's the most recent verse that I've actually given a fuck about, so it'll probably be around the level of my GC shit.

"The public will see something fishy" if voters call his WEAK VERSE A MASTERPIECE, Higher Ed. will "whale on him" the TEAMS PULLING RATCHETS, B, "ready to dive in, and-all-finna-kill you" like SEA WORLD TRAGEDIES (and dolphin) / He says "It's a lifesaver" about his prowess with his PEN AND HIS PAPER but "I can breathe easy" knowing that it "NEVER IS SAVORED" you tryna "Mint something fresh?" Why ain't it "PEPPERED WITH FLAVOR?" Fybre Optikz, you're just GAY AND A MORON, saying "Give me nothing but the D!" so here's your FAILING REPORT CARD; You're a hate voter! Probly goes on GC finals and leaves RATINGS OF FOUR DROPPED we see "ya docked-a-written-judgment", no disserTATION IN COURT LAW!!! (doctorate in) / He "joins cards, but never wins," so I'm TRULY OWNING FAM, "bringing clubs to the table"? that's something he ain't DO, IT'S KNOWN AS FACT, so if he "throwin' hands, in spades" he tryna LOSE A POKER MATCH!! If his verse is "taken at face value" we would RECOGNIZE A KING but "to be straight with y'all," who's really STEPPED INSIDE THE RING? A faggoty third grader with no WEAPON PRIMED TO SQUEEZE, "see: ya eight, and a jack-off from the start"... He's hoping for a TEN, A NINE, AND QUEEN

[Thug Killaa]

NOWAYBACK

Rant

You think he's a G? He’s nothing but a "dwarf" that lacks "HEART AND SOUL"! I’ve got the crew at my back, I'm "GUARDING-HOLMES" and this is “my-croft” so when I 'Silence This G' it ain't a "GARDEN GNOME!!" You're a snake "LACKING A SPINE" acting hard thinking Macc Supporting Your Back if he's "GRABBING THE NINE?" Imma "FINISH THIS QUICK" and show you're 'Out of Place, When We Line Up' w/o "SLIPPING A DISC!" You think your “punches penetrate?” But there lacklustre like your girl “PRETENDING TO BE SO HORNY” And You're Out of Place Here like showing Up w/ Erectile Dysfunction when “ATTENDING AN EPIC ORGY!!”

Ill be helping Rant with these just to ease the burden. Rant can add onto these if he likes but hes busy with his own thing so ill step in for the time being. #ForTheSite

You think he's a G? He’s nothing but a "dwarf" that lacks "HEART AND SOUL"! I’ve got the crew at my back, I'm "GUARDING-HOLMES" and this is “my-croft” so when I 'Silence This G' it ain't a "GARDEN GNOME!!"

I dont get why you put the heart and soul in quotations..do dwarfs not have a heart and a soul? Im pretty sure they do. So the setup is completely irrelevant and doesn't pack a punch. Basically filler because its bland. And the whole "G is silent" thing is played out...Wayne said something "Gs move in silence like lasagne" and Celsius said back in 2007 "Ill leave this G silent like the word Sign" so nothing really creative. I get the dwarf/garden reference but its a reach basically because :-

a- the setup doesn't have any concept of its own and is basically just a statement.
b- the punchline is beyond played.


You're a snake "LACKING A SPINE" acting hard thinking Macc Supporting Your Back if he's "GRABBING THE NINE?" Imma "FINISH THIS QUICK" and show you're 'Out of Place, When We Line Up' w/o "SLIPPING A DISC!"

So I dont get why youre putting unnecessary words into quotations because as far as I know, you dont do that unless its denting a concept or an analogy. How is supporting someone's back and grabbing a nine even related/connected to each other?

None of this is actually relevant to the ending punchline and not to mention, theyre just bland/basic statements with absolutely no weight behind them. You just rhymed and made a basic statement, there was no concept or an idea or relevant to the main punch (other than lacking a spine/slipping a disc...although that can be debated because there are two different rhyme schemes) which is why it falls flat.

Out of place/slipped disc was meh. Nothing really creative.

You think your “punches penetrate?” But there lacklustre like your girl “PRETENDING TO BE SO HORNY” And You're Out of Place Here like showing Up w/ Erectile Dysfunction when “ATTENDING AN EPIC ORGY!!”

Since when and how did punches "penetrate" anything..i get it you were trying to tie in the orgy concept and making the setup relevant to the punchline and dont get me wrong, its a good start but it just seems forced as fuck and comes off as awkward. I see this was much better than your previous bars because you tried to keep the same concept of "sex" throughout but still:-

A- Just because you have relevant setups with a certain few keywords related to the ending punchline doesn't make it good. You have to try and formulate some kind of a concept or what I call "mini-punches" in the setup just to keep the reader's guessing whats coming next YET keeping the relevancy throughout.

B- The punchline was rather basic and bland, i mean it was a simple simile and didnt really stand out.

Overall, id give this verse a 4/10. You have a lot to learn and I bet Nicholas will guide you. I feel youre focusing too little on the setups/build ups and fresh ideas. Think outside of the box. Take one step at a time..think of the punchline first and then form the setup around it. And then once you have mastered that, try to incorporate a concept related to the punchline in the setup just to make it even more hard hitting.


SHODAN


Rant

I picked this one because it's the most recent verse that I've actually given a fuck about, so it'll probably be around the level of my GC shit.

"The public will see something fishy" if voters call his WEAK VERSE A MASTERPIECE, Higher Ed. will "whale on him" the TEAMS PULLING RATCHETS, B, "ready to dive in, and-all-finna-kill you" like SEA WORLD TRAGEDIES (and dolphin) / He says "It's a lifesaver" about his prowess with his PEN AND HIS PAPER but "I can breathe easy" knowing that it "NEVER IS SAVORED" you tryna "Mint something fresh?" Why ain't it "PEPPERED WITH FLAVOR?" Fybre Optikz, you're just GAY AND A MORON, saying "Give me nothing but the D!" so here's your FAILING REPORT CARD; You're a hate voter! Probly goes on GC finals and leaves RATINGS OF FOUR DROPPED we see "ya docked-a-written-judgment", no disserTATION IN COURT LAW!!! (doctorate in) / He "joins cards, but never wins," so I'm TRULY OWNING FAM, "bringing clubs to the table"? that's something he ain't DO, IT'S KNOWN AS FACT, so if he "throwin' hands, in spades" he tryna LOSE A POKER MATCH!! If his verse is "taken at face value" we would RECOGNIZE A KING but "to be straight with y'all," who's really STEPPED INSIDE THE RING? A faggoty third grader with no WEAPON PRIMED TO SQUEEZE, "see: ya eight, and a jack-off from the start"... He's hoping for a TEN, A NINE, AND QUEEN

"The public will see something fishy" if voters call his WEAK VERSE A MASTERPIECE, Higher Ed. will "whale on him" the TEAMS PULLING RATCHETS, B, "ready to dive in, and-all-finna-kill you" like SEA WORLD TRAGEDIES (and dolphin) /

Relevant setups and build ups so props for that. But lets dive in deeper. The first line where you incorporate the "something fishy" idiom, there is no punchline/independent concept behind it..I get it, it relates to the sea world punchline that you ended the bar with but it was just you picking out terms that are in relation to "Sea World" and placing them in the setups without actually utilising those same terms to attack your opponent in the setups/build ups.

I know its a bit too hard but look at ILLoKWENT and Esso (vs Nicholas) battles and you'll see how they does it when they scheme. Moving on though..the second line, I get the whole "whale on em" term relating to the punchline too but just like the first line, it serves no purpose if it doesn't have an independent concept stringed along with it. And seriously, what has whaling on someone got to do with your crew pulling ratchets and shooting someone? You just put that rhyme in there to complete the multi set.

The wordplay doesn't work both ways although I appreciate you trying the oronym. Heres the thing:-

"ready to dive in, and dolphin finna kill you" like SEA WORLD TRAGEDIES - WORKS
"ready to dive in, and-all-finna-kill you" like SEA WORLD TRAGEDIES - DOESNT WORK

^^Doesnt work because your teaming ganging up and shooting him/killing him DOES NOT relate to sea world in any way. Thats why i said it doesn't work both ways. I know when you say the "dolphin" bit, it ties in with the sea world tragedy concept but it doesn't work the other way round. Overall the punchline was uhhhhh, not that special. I mean it can easily be forgotten, not something that was very clean and memorable.

He says "It's a lifesaver" about his prowess with his PEN AND HIS PAPER but "I can breathe easy" knowing that it "NEVER IS SAVORED" you tryna "Mint something fresh?" Why ain't it "PEPPERED WITH FLAVOR?"

I dont know where to start with this one honestly. This bar is all over the place, sloppy and terribly executed. You basically just added that "lifesaver" bit in the first line but made no effort to make it connect with an independent concept to make it hit hard. Or else its just a bland statement / claim with no effect.

Breath easy / relation to the spices was a reach and honestly corny. You're trying too hard to complicate things even though it isn't needed. So youre saying his prowess not being savoured (metaphorically of course) makes you breath easy? See how stupid it sounds when I actually break it down? Re-read the shit that you wrote multiple times, clean up the wording and try to make it make sense. It seemed as if you became lazy halfway through the bar and just threw in the references in the setup and the build up line without actually formulating it well.

The punchline was average. Nothing too special. Its like you found a term related to Pepper and connected it with the punchline again. "Mint something fresh" is an idiom with way too much potential, it can be used in different ways. I dont think the way you tied it in with the punchline did it justice. I feel you could have used the same idiom but chosen a different way to end the punchline. Just my opinion.

Fybre Optikz, you're just GAY AND A MORON, saying "Give me nothing but the D!" so here's your FAILING REPORT CARD; You're a hate voter! Probly goes on GC finals and leaves RATINGS OF FOUR DROPPED we see "ya docked-a-written-judgment", no disserTATION IN COURT LAW!!! (doctorate in)

Okay, first off, calling someone gay and a moron just to satisfy the multi set is filler. Secondly, it sounds awkward when said like that. Thirdly, how is calling him that even pass as an hard hitting insult? You should have ditched that completely cuz it served you no purpose except giving you a filler statement with a filler multi set which had no impact at all. Moving on, the whole statement; "give me nothing but the D" doesn't even have any impact if he didnt actually say it..you basically incorporated that just to make the Failing Report Card concept work. Not to mention, it wasnt directly related to the main punchline either.

The second line had a great sense of continuity in regards to the punchline you ended the bar with. The technicalities of it were sloppy as fuck though. Heres the thing, you didnt do much with the setup but say he drops low rates which i agree tied in with the main punchline but other than that, the build up didnt hit or create an impact by itself. It just led the reader right into the punchline which is good but it would be even more appreciated if you found out a way to tie in a separate (but still relevant to main punch) concept in there whilst maintaining the continuity that you have.

The punchline was meh again. You're saying you will see him dock a judgement in writing. Thats it. Thats your punchline. How in the fuck does it insult your opponent? The oronym works but how does that work as an insult? The punchline is supposed to insult your opponent whilst it being creative. You just ended it by saying he would pass a written judgement. If you could find a way to tie in the low rating ideology in the punchline itself, it would have been better. Poor bar.

He "joins cards, but never wins," so I'm TRULY OWNING FAM, "bringing clubs to the table"? that's something he ain't DO, IT'S KNOWN AS FACT, so if he "throwin' hands, in spades" he tryna LOSE A POKER MATCH!!

I get the card play youre trying to do and props for the relevancy. Again, id prefer if you'd tie in with an independent yet relevant concept though but thats just a personal opinion. Nothing is wrong with the line but nothing special either.

"Bringing clubs to the table" would be worded in a better way to be honest..if you went for the Club as in a weapon to attack him or something along those lines, it would play much better. You tried to execute/word it in relation to the whole poker analogy but it ended up in an awkward way.

The punchline honestly didnt make sense. How do you THROW HANDS IN SPADES. It doesn't even work both ways. Throwing hands literally means fighting someone. Like I said, youre trying too hard to be complex but just constantly messing up the basics like the wording/execution.

Overall, this was a really poorly written verse, especially for an LBT Battle. I expected more from you, Sho. I really think you should stop trying too hard and focus on the basics like thinking of fresh ideas and framing them correctly for starters. You're trying to cram so many things into one single bar, it becomes sloppy. I would honestly rate it a 4.5/10