LBTT May: Lockhart vs Dono [CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH] [Dono wins 3-1]

[NOBLE]

Lockhart vs Dono
Verses are due Thursday, May 21st 11:59PM Est (GMT -4).
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic:

http://i61.tinypic.com/jtqe5w.jpg

[Dono]

Dear John,

I had a dream of a fractured scene where you lay broken
Nothing moved, image burned into my mind and stayed frozen
Snowflakes slowed to hold place, he gazed upon your cold face
A fellow soldier held you closer than I have on most days
Solemn look pained his expression, glazed in depression
Your body slumped across his as you lay without tension
A late intervention, steep, deep gashes run your cheeks
Blood smears your uniform, signs of war you’ve come to see
The newly fallen flakes underneath soak in crimson red
Time’s complacent, life is vacant, your nose is missing breath
Wish I chose a different mess, there’s shivers down my spine
Sorrow in my heart is dark as the picture now aligns
Broke without hope, war grows close the bonds of man
With you gone this span wish we’d made a stronger plan
Long for hands to brush across mine, amend for lost time
Lacking touch, so each day you’re away the costs rise
I pray you’re not dead, some mistake of a hot head
Or a casualty caused when a caravan forgot bread
I’m not sure of our options but the gossip still remains
People speak of how a lover’s passions fill our veins
Say we’re not meant to be together so mentally it’s better
If I believe you’re alive, you’ll survive then meet with pleasure
And treasure the fact I want to build a life together
But even when the war ends, we’ll have to fight forever

With Love,

Richard

[Lockhart]

Aftermath

Hope: Something that had blossomed in place
For a young boy who's one ploy was cocked and encased.
He knew his only plans were wholly dashed, he's lost and afraid
But had to kill the very man who made him feel his Father's Disgrace.

He was John Tucker, 19, a young, enlisted, Army private
His devotion for his country was astounding, he could hardly hide it.
He would clean his weapons after meals and basked within the battlefield.
Using the same vintage musket that his Dad would wield.

But something was amiss now, the world had faced some different times.
He had led what was imprisoned life. Filled with lies, living in the British side.
His eyes opened one day while walking home after church
He saw civilians lined up and murdered in a "Massacre".

The young boy, crying, was in shock and dismay
Worse yet? His father was the one who shot them away.
Now a young man, he hunted down his father with every step
And scouted out positions, but was left to only second guess

But one day, he found the man, back at a lake
Where they would chatter away, but now they battle today.
They stood eye-to-eye once more, neither knew who would fall
They just knew the war would pivot from this brutal assault

They traded punches and kicks, their faces? Blackened and scarred
Until a fatal blow was dealt when one was stabbed in the heart...

Before his Father's dying breath, a tiny whimper was made.
He knew he'd buried his Father, that fact was simple and plain
But he never dreamt he'd be the reason he put Him in the grave.

Darkness: Something that had blossomed in place
For and old man who's whole chance was brought to His grave
His son looked over Him, shaking, while he was lost in his pain
and screamed, "Now YOU will be the one who feels my Father's Disgrace."

[Row]

ok was this guy in the picture named john ? lol good read both of you two.

[S O U L R I T E]

Man, I feel like I just watched a movie lol but I feel Dono had a really intellectual verse. His vocabulary and ideas were greatly displayed here. Then there's Lockhart. His verse was nothing short of amazing. I feel his verse captured my attention and held it all the way throughout. I also feel his verse played to the topic a little more.

VOTE: Lockhart

[Celsius]

Dono, the flow barely changed much the whole way, but at least you could fit it to a beat. Lockhart, the second line from bar one is 18 syllables, which throws off the rest of the verse off , as in your next line you continue to use the maximum number of syllables on a standard 4/4 instrumental subdivided into 16ths. Anyways, I'm not going to vote. Both had great content.

[Shodan]

First off: Both of these contenders had very, VERY good verses. I want to get this said first and foremost. Regardless of any criticisms I'm about to drop in this expo, I am astounded by you both.

Dono: This could have taken a turn for the worse quickly, but you made it work. For the most part, the rhyming blended into the background, adding lyrical fluidity to the piece while not being distracting. I even found myself starting to read your verse aloud at some points without realizing it. The flip side of that is that you had several places where the rhyming wasn't quite perfect or stood out a bit too much, and the sonority of the rest of the piece made those spots stick out like a sore thumb.

I can tell that you were trying to convey raw emotion with this piece. For the most part, you succeeded by creating an atmosphere conducive to achieving that effect. Everything from the italics, the letter format, the implication of the sender and receiver being in a homosexual relationship in a society that frowns upon such, and the story itself, all tied up together beautifully to create an emotional rollercoaster ride that actually had me crying near the end. I feel like with very emotional pieces such as this one, it's nearly impossible to write them without feeling overly melodramatic in some places - especially with a basic emotion that's difficult to convey without doing that, like sadness. While you mostly avoided this (or it blended in well enough to not be noticeable), I feel like you still fell victim to this in some places.

Overall, this was an excellent verse, but one with a few flaws that were made far more noticeable because of it.

Lockhart: While the more concrete, story-based approach you took in writing this verse didn't leave you with very much room to compete with Dono's poeticism and emotionality, you still did a very good job with conveying sadness and telling the story you wanted to be told. While the rhymes didn't have perfect fluidity throughout most of the verse, they definitely weren't forced or in any way bad, and there were some parts where the rhyming was very good and added a level of impact to the bar without feeling excessively show-offy.

The story you told intrigued me a lot. The idea of a father doing something that so enraged his son that they came to blows is a bit cliched, but it still gave impressions of simultaneous sorrow and rage, which would probably be what I would feel doing something like that. The way you ended with a modified version of the beginning, almost like a chorus, wrapped everything up nicely; though I do feel that the space could very possibly have been better used to add more to the story.

This verse didn't produce the same emotional reaction from me that Dono's did, but, in a way, it left more of an impression on me. You put rhyming at the forefront instead of the background, and it made something that could easily be a highly-inflected spoken word piece. Very powerful stuff.

THE FINAL VERDICT: There were two entirely different approaches here. Dono took the quiet, thoughtful, deep approach; Lockhart took the direct, in-your-face approach. Neither of those approaches are better than the other by themselves. The verses dropped had noticeable flaws, but they can't really be called anything less than great, because the "big picture" overshadows much of that. This wasn't an easy choice for me, but in the end, I had to go with the topical that I found to be more impactful. The fair's in; respect it.

Dono: 8.5
Lockhart: 8

MVGT: Dono

---------- Post added at 10:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:08 PM ----------

(One final question, what's up with people capitalizing "Dad," "Father," and personal pronouns referring to the same? I've only ever seen people do that when referring to the Abrahamic conceptions of God, except for a few mid-Southerners; is that some Carolinas thing?)

[izayamoorman]

After reading Lockhart's piece, it gave me the feel of an Assassin's Creed protagonist planning, then, finally, executing the final assassination to conclude the main segment of the game. His drop appealed to me more given that I am an avid gamer and love the Assassin's Creed series, but even if that was not the approach he was intending to make, I think he did a fantastic job as the narrator of the masterpiece in which he did not fail to carry out. I give his piece a Proficient grade; 3/4 - a marvelous score all in all.

Now Dono was the true Edgar Allan Poe of this match-up. As much of an impact Lockhart's piece had on me as a reader, Dono's was rather appeasing and it had me on edge wondering what was going to come next one line after another. Lockhart's was more predictable as Dono's was more of a mystery until the near end and any writer should know that that's where the climax is supposed to hit the hardest at. I give his piece a Proficient as well; 3/4. Props.

I believe both succeeded at giving we readers the feel that they wanted to convey to us and they should be grateful that, win or lose, they both dropped amazing pieces, so it's really a win-win regardless of that.

MVGT: NO ONE ... I'm just showing some respect as a participant in this and praise to both, and I'm wishing them the best of luck.

Good stuff y'all. My two thumbs go waaaaaay up to this!!!

[NOBLE]

No crew mate votes please, regardless of which way you vote.

[AlkatraZ™]

Didn't even realize. My bad

[Black Book]

Dono came with a good story he executed. Lockhart came with a good story as well but I feel there was just the slightest disconnect in there somewhere. Something was missing tying together the son seeing his father kill people then immediately wanting to kill his father. Some more development was needed there for that quick jump.

VOTE: Dono

[exZACHly]

Wow this was amazing...props to both. Not voting just had to show some love after reading, GL guys

[Row]

Manhattan ILLoKWENT exZACHly i know yall didnt plan to vote on this but this has to close, would be greatly appreciated.

[Student]

Does this still need votes?

[Dono]

Student sure does.

[Student]

Dono: Overall it was great, the flow was completely on point and the rhyming seemed basic but it wasn't which is hard to achieve. The letter had a lot of creative imagery and was by itself an interesting anecdote. My only critique would be why Richard was writing to John at all if he was already dead but I guess it could be interpreted as a coping mechanism for Richard to move on in writing a letter which would never be mailed or read by his lover. Another way to look at it would be that the picture is what Richard is imaging John being killed in his dreams and is writing to let John know his feelings just in case John dies tragically. That's what I liked about this piece it could be interpreted many ways but either way it's solid, only the background is what's questioned not the actual content of your vision. Good job on this man.

Lockhart: First of all I liked that you named it, there's something about naming something that immediately gives you a category in your mind about the piece. Overall I liked the story even if it was a bit clique and predictable. I understand you didn't have the many lines to fully describe the situation but it's a lot of information to get across. I feel like you could've just focused on one aspect of this story and given it a better viewpoint, more descriptive and with more imagery. Either way it was a good solid piece and you definitely have potential as far as story telling goes.

Vote: Dono, I felt like he conveyed his piece more accurately and overall just a bigger impact on me. That's not to say Lockhart had a shitty piece by any means, his writing astounds me but I felt like he had some flaws and structurally could've relayed the message in a better way.

In the end it's all based on opinion, there's no "science" to this so it really comes down to which one made you think more and feel something beyond the grammatical phrases, types of writing, speaking devices, etc.

Good job to both these guys, you're both very very good at this.

[NOBLE]

As stipulated in the rules, 3-1 equals a TKO. Dono has 3 votes and Lockhart has 1 vote so the match concludes. Big shout out to both for showing us a dope topical battle and thanks to all who voted. Dono retains the LBTT Championship.

[RULE]

Counted. TBM