LBTT March: Student vs Los [Student won by 3-0 TKO]

[Subreal]

Student vs Los
Verses are due Friday, March 13th.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.


Topic:
http://i.imgur.com/bnuzTPZ.jpg

[Los]

Fog

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..awaiting death in a fuckin hut..
My soul & I, supposed to die, but here we buckle up
with eyes barely open coz of the subtle dust
& wonder what's, about to storm up under us

Nobody to notice, my whole mind isn't focused
This light been up for days, but nobody is showin

I see the future & the past, all equaling zero
trying to make out my life, but can't see through the steam though

I see survival, but expect the doom
Coz I'm in the middle of no-wear, staying in a 6 ft dressing room
I don't get to move, and I hate stagnant
My mind races back to retrieve any memories I don't hate, feeling crazed
I pace backwards, while disastrous waves are splashing
following in a stable fashion
I hold on to this pendant, & wait for the chain reaction..

Takes me back, to when I was just a baby wrapped in
baby blankets, few years later, playin basket, ball on the way to classes
Takes me back, before I lost the world..anyway, I'll take my ass in
try to sleep standing, waiting for the major crashing.

[Student]

As I gaze onto the plain I see nothing but pain,
I'm alone in the desert and it's driving me insane,
I remember the old days where technology was king,
but too much information filled the hate to the brim,
It overflowed into a sea of chaos,
the sky took the smoke, flames and stopped giving raindrops,
It's been like this for years, just me and my thoughts,
I wonder if I should've just died in a box, jumped off that cliff and hit rocks,
I saw the end of the world, people turned into savages
I also become one, that was the only way to handle it
The problem with killing the enemy is that I'm left with the memory,
Now I'm left with no energy, left in a world where everything's rudimentary,
However I'm embarking on a quest, to see if anyone's left,
If we can make life after death because all we are now is the walking dead.
I'm a lone soilder, surrounded by boulders, weight of the world on my shoulders,
I'm a sky hawk, with no one to talk to, I walk around but all I see is rocks,
Trying to find civilianation, plants for vegetation but I'm lacking motivation to deal with these frustrations,
I made my bed and I must lie in it, lonesome, tell myself it'll be fine but I'm not buying it,
While I'm contemplating my fate, I see a stranger off in the distance,
Thinking if I should escape or see what's going to happen and listen,
They finally makes it up, I open the door, filled with hope and I look up,
I can't even describe what I was seeing, I can hardly believe it, fuck...it's...

*Dies on the spot*

[Insuppressible]

Los - Quite disappointing for a topical imo. Lyrically you were on fine; flow & syllable count was on point givin it a nice smooth read. But you lacked in the consistency w/ a story. For the most part a strong topical would most likely contain a twist, and you basically build up towards the twist. I didn't really feel that in you topical. You had some nice ideas, but as a topical it isn't what it should be.

Student - The approach you took is quite cliche. I would've like to see you take a different angle that didn't have to do with death and destruction. Needless to say i thought you did a great job w/ your topical. Flow & multies were great, syllable count was off in some places but i know your style by now lol. You painted a nice vivid image of the background, literally. If i'm going to criticise a lil further I also felt that your ending was quite cliche.

Overall - Not a bad topical. Each did their thing. For both I would've like to see more metaphors/similes to add a bit more creativity to their topical.

MVGT - Student

[Subreal]

bump, cant vote cuz crew aff

[Student]

http://media.giphy.com/media/UjCXeFnYcI2R2/giphy.gif

[Subreal]

bumpin

[Shodan]

Los: Honestly, I'm not sure if this just went straight over my head. Your scheming was nice, flow fell off a bit in a couple of places. Overall, this wasn't terrible, but confusing and a bit rough around the edges.

Student: Good verse, fairly straightforward take on the picture until the not-really-a-twist ending. Your flow was on point, but the lack of multis really hurt this piece. Everything about this was solid except that.

MVGT: Student

[NOBLE]

I think Student's piece had more of a direction, more of a story with a conclusion in the end. Los's piece was more like a moment's introspection along with some reminiscing. Los had better flow, use of multies, etc. Los's piece tied into the image more directly as he described what was in the picture whereas Student's piece tied into the image more metaphorically as he describe an almost post-apocalyptic world after technology. I normally prefer the more direct approach so I'd have to give Los the edge in the category of image-relatedness. I felt Student had slightly better vocab. Both could have done better with imagery. I felt that emotion was slightly better conveyed in Student's piece. Student also had a better ending which kinda leaves the reader intrigued while trying to figure out what he saw which makes him die on the spot. Overall, this was really close and both had certain categories they did better in, but I felt one did slightly better overall. Vote goes to Student.

[Subreal]

Closed, student wins via 3-0 TKO, good verses from both.

[RULE]

counted

tbm