LBTT March: Esso vs Far Out KawnceptZ

[Subreal]

Esso vs Far Out KawnceptZ
Verses are due Friday, March 13th.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.


Topic:

http://i.imgur.com/faLF2wH.jpg

[exwhyzee]

The hands of greed, reaching for more even
if we’re up to our fingers because enough has no meaning
Poor people have seen this before, it’s pure evil
It’s similar or equal, to war with your species

Fights over dollars and coins, hollerin’ noise
We’re rich, with an option of choice, so
We’ll probably pocket each tip like some
Naughty bus-boy after we cause a decoy

Mm.

We love more, we love extra, we love
Lovin’ it all without the pressure, of being in love
With ourselves but with more, we cheat on life
With more so much how do we sleep at night
With more sleeping around like a whore
As cheap as it sounds, more can’t afford to keep us around
for sure, so before our corpses meet underground
Will more become a bore when greed’s running out
And can’t even amount to what we need
To the point where it bleeds out the pores and floods the sea
Of love for more until it breaches ashore
And hands erupts from the sand reachin’ for more
than just more, for life, ‘cause our boat couldn’t keep us
Aboard, while it sinks to the floor

We realized our boat was greed.
And how we kept ourselves afloat, so are we.

[Esso]

The forefathers of a nation, the first to find a better way
they paid the cost til they were spent and we're reminded every day
In our minds, forever great but at times, we're led astray
and conveniently forget how many tribes were dead and slain
Now..What type of men were they? Did they put lives ahead of gain
Even though they swore they only lived for Christ and Heaven's Sake
Just disguised, pathetic fakes, left their wake and half a race was gone
it was all about the paper they would later have their faces on
Of course, these men were bold...lies? scores of them were sold
to make them legends, always integral...immortals in the fold
But in the stories that were told it was forgotten to mention
where these misguided souls claim they got their direction
whoever taught them their lessons left an honest impression
cuz even God in the heavens always wants a percentage
One nation under him? Well, at least, that's what most believe
fill his plate while they go hungry, wow, the blessed are so deceived
We all gettin no reprieve, I wish I'd met who sowed the seed
because the root of all evil dont seem to ever grow on trees
The walking dead, or so it seems it can make us into slaves, its true
keepin focus, seeming hopeless when the sane amongst the crazed are few
Just sayin, theyre just sayings but we can take it from cliches for proof
it aint a big secret...you can't take it to your grave with you

[Insuppressible]

Far out Kawnceptz: it was a good read. I felt the flow in the first stanza was a bit off. You took an interesting approach to the image. This whole concept of 'greed' and how it may affect the people. Similes were ok, some felt like they were just put in their/ like a whore/ didn't feel like that was a good one to take considering the approach you took. Towards the end you began to reciprocrate what you were attempting to write throughout your topical which is important. Your ending wasn't much of a twist, but it did have a good message.

Esso: pretty good. had to read twice so i can completely understand what your topical was about and that is not a critique. From what i understand the way the American system teaches the youth about the Four Fathers is watered down to the point where a lot of information is cut out. I like how you, not subliminaly, brought in the tribes that were massacred during the 'beginnings of america'. Brings a sense of depth to your topical. Your whole verse felt like something a person in those days would compose, you know? In terms of critique i would've like to see a few metaphors or similies, perhaps that would've painted a more vivid picture of your topical.

Overall: this is close. Each had their own ways of composing a topical. I felt that Esso was more consistent w/ his approach that he took, but FOK was more striking.

MVGT - Esso. The OVERALL metaphor of the picture w/ his topic was slightly better than FOK.

[Subreal]

Bumpin

[Student]

The hands of greed, reaching for more even
if we’re up to our fingers because enough has no meaning
Poor people have seen this before, it’s pure evil
It’s similar or equal, to war with your species

Fights over dollars and coins, hollerin’ noise
We’re rich, with an option of choice, so
We’ll probably pocket each tip like some
Naughty bus-boy after we cause a decoy

Mm.

We love more, we love extra, we love
Lovin’ it all without the pressure, of being in love
With ourselves but with more, we cheat on life
With more so much how do we sleep at night
With more sleeping around like a whore
As cheap as it sounds, more can’t afford to keep us around
for sure, so before our corpses meet underground
Will more become a bore when greed’s running out
And can’t even amount to what we need
To the point where it bleeds out the pores and floods the sea
Of love for more until it breaches ashore
And hands erupts from the sand reachin’ for more
than just more, for life, ‘cause our boat couldn’t keep us
Aboard, while it sinks to the floor

We realized our boat was greed.
And how we kept ourselves afloat, so are we.

I liked your overall concepts but I felt like your message wasn't clearly defined. I felt like you've could've conveyed it with more complex and less abstract lines. Greed is always a good message to write about though.

The forefathers of a nation, the first to find a better way
they paid the cost til they were spent and we're reminded every day
In our minds, forever great but at times, we're led astray
and conveniently forget how many tribes were dead and slain
Now..What type of men were they? Did they put lives ahead of gain
Even though they swore they only lived for Christ and Heaven's Sake
Just disguised, pathetic fakes, left their wake and half a race was gone
it was all about the paper they would later have their faces on
Of course, these men were bold...lies? scores of them were sold
to make them legends, always integral...immortals in the fold
But in the stories that were told it was forgotten to mention
where these misguided souls claim they got their direction
whoever taught them their lessons left an honest impression
cuz even God in the heavens always wants a percentage
One nation under him? Well, at least, that's what most believe
fill his plate while they go hungry, wow, the blessed are so deceived
We all gettin no reprieve, I wish I'd met who sowed the seed
because the root of all evil dont seem to ever grow on trees
The walking dead, or so it seems it can make us into slaves, its true
keepin focus, seeming hopeless when the sane amongst the crazed are few
Just sayin, theyre just sayings but we can take it from cliches for proof
it aint a big secret...you can't take it to your grave with you

Overall I felt like while it did have it's flaws it was a pretty vivid piece. I agree with Insup, I would've like to see some more metaphors. I liked the message but it also could've been more clearly defined, felt like the whole message was pretty broad and would've liked to see you focus on one subject rather then a different assortment that stemmed off each other.

Overall: I liked both pieces but I felt like one painted a better picture and had a better approach to telling a story. They can both improve but they both show good promise towards topicals. I would've liked to see both focus on one subject as well, I feel like they both were very broad about interpreting what the picture could be about. Good reads though, good job fellas.

Winner: Esso.

[Shodan]

Far Out: Solid piece here - I felt the lyricism was lacking throughout, but the message was great. Adding in more multis and making it flow better, and doing some cleanups to the structure of it, would have helped immensely.

Esso: This wasn't quite what I had thought of upon seeing the image, but it works well all the same. Your lyricism throughout this piece was very impressive - some of the multi sets didn't match up perfectly, but they flowed well nonetheless. The structure behind it was good, and I enjoyed the message.

MVGT: Esso

[Subreal]

Nice from both, Esso wins via 3-0 TKO

[RULE]

counted

tbm