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View Full Version : ATT Final: Writer 1 Vs Writer 2 - (Writer 1 Wins 5-1)


Hubert Cumberdale
07-20-2014, 09:46 AM
Writer 1 vs. Writer 2

Rules
Verses are due Sunday, July 27th.
Verses are to be sent to Dave via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 30-50 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to Five.
Writer numbers are changed every round.
Check your PM too find which number you are for this round.

Topic
http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/312/4/f/inspiration_by_destinyblue-d6thpif.jpg

Hubert Cumberdale
07-28-2014, 05:18 AM
Writer 1

Destiny Blue

The Incident

She ducked under a branch, thundering past white-chalk sidewalk
Then launched her bike off the curb with a slight hop - That's when time stopped
Freeze frame - She's in the center of the road, a brief length
from an oncoming car, got her brain screaming 'please change!'
It's inevitable, squeaked brakes couldn't stop the teen's fate
BOOM! Impact, spins back, head first into the asphalt - She faints

Afterward, from the Girl's Perspective

My cloudy eyes open, God.....got awful pain in my back
Must get up.....courage mustered up but I'm still straining to act
Knees buckle in a weak struggle due to the strength that I lack
Maybe I can break through the cramps after taking a nap....

Jarred awake by fading screams "No! She can't be lost and gone!
We'll get my daughter back....what do we have for options Dawk........."
Dawk....en....Dawken? The last name for the chief of police
They're looking for me? Am I not easily seen?
Push myself onto my elbows, can't believe it to be
Seems I'm stuck in some strange space, growing grief at the scene
Walls and windows with boards welded so I'm trapped in a room
Dim, no visible way to escape it's an actual tomb
How the hell did I get here? What's the next rational move?
Started howling and clawing at my cage like animals do
'I'm in here! Help me please!' Threw my body against the planks
They didn't even bend or shake, clearly not set to break
Did that stop me? No. Slammed into them nonstop, viciously
Misery, could I save myself to halt mom-n-pop missing me?

After hours, I was exhausted, no response to my yells
Nor did the room budge at all, in every spot I was frail
My body ached, this is the day that I started in hell
Thought I could overcome it, that was a farce and I failed
Who kidnapped me and brought me here? Fear ripped through my chest
Balled myself up in the corner as I whimpered and wept

How long have I been in here stored, sat and stared at the wall?
By now, I'm almost just bored like nothing scares me at all
Not quite true, I'm afraid, but hell, there's nothing to do
My mom always sung me to sleep, can hear her humming the tune
Five slivers of light lay across the floor, a perfect staff
So I start drawing in notes while adding words to match
Each day I revel in how your birth was a treasure
Remember my angel that your true worth exceeds measure
My joy belongs to you and your mirth is my pleasure
Destiny; blue, my love, nothing stays perfect forever
"We'll never get her back, it's time to accept the facts
It's been months, she's gone babe, she'll find peace in the end at last"
I screamed "Wait! Save me! Promise I'll find a way to escape!"
Then slowly, I heard walls crack, maybe they hadn't made a mistake
Bright white light came flooding in, so warm, silent and sweet
Let it engulf me entirely, I was finally free

In the Hospital

Parents cut life support, too much money woefully spent
As the heart monitor went flat her mother openly wept
Praying for the beautiful end her daughter hopefully met
The only choice. As far as science could tell she was totally dead

Vs

Writer 2

"Sleeping Awake"

Awake: First Session.

My heart races, eyes open, this dark place is quite cold and,
I start pacing, lights growing, dark fades and times frozen...
I notice the walls are boarded up, the floor crawls and doors are shut,
Grabbing the knob I torque and tug, but can't even score a budge,
Vehemently I swore and cussed, anger leaves me warming up...
Spinning, I scan the room, alone, wishing I had a group,
Hitting some glass then...boom! Splinting, it cracks in two!
My fist stings, it has a bruise that's glistening with black and blue...
Lonely and tired, I just had to sleep,
I slowly retire, surprisingly, I have a dream...

Sleep: First Session.

In the start of the dream, I stood outside a house,
There were no cars on the street, and found ice on the ground.
The wind blew violently, steadily chilling my face,
My breaths thin, drew quietly, the cool air killing my taste.
Stepping to the porch, I could hear the sounds of laughter,
Heading through the door, I stood near a brown banister.
My family had a gathering, kids were running about,
It's a bubbly crowd, stunningly proud, my sons on the couch...
But as soon as I came to stay, my surroundings would fade away,
From vibrant colors to gray...and gray, my mind had stayed awake...

Awake: Second Session.

Woken suddenly from the dream, thoughts so far gone it hurts,
This beeping noise is muzzling, sounds of a heart monitor...
And there's faint voices, why has my mind tripped?
More brains noises chime in, I lock my eyes shut in a vice grip!
Making insane poises, I slip right down on my right hip!
I gain composure knowing that this feeling will loom,
My brains exposure slowly lapse when I realize I'm still in this room.
Shocked and hurt, I try to undo the boards, they're locked, and worse,
The voices octaves turn up, I make out doctor terms,
I hear my wife, I'm at a loss for words, why'd the doctor talk to her?

Sleep: Second Session.

I fell asleep and had a dream, I was in a hospital,
I was lost in this obstacle, every turn was shots and tools.
The steward said my last name, and then a room number,
Confused, flustered, I followed the person who bugged her,
The halls were sleek and stale with a bright white light,
I called, words seemed to fail, I asked "Why, why ,why".
It's like I was a ghost, no one saw or heard a word I said,
I tried to squeeze and choke this squeamish bloke, but they didn't hurt guys head,
I reached the room, I saw myself and my family stood around the bed,
"We almost pronounced him dead, this is what we found instead..."

Awake.......Sleep?

Back in the room I'm stored, I saw the loose-ish board,
My shoes grabbing this useless floor, getting a boost and floored,
Straight through the wall and twice over,
I stride into a blinding light and then my eyes open...
The heart monitor beeps, I lie in a cold cold bed,
I'm lost in mystique, was I rose from the dead?
"Quick quick! Dad woke from his coma!"
My kids were quick to go nuts, I notice my hips were sown shut.
"Sir, you've laid for weeks, hooked to this machine you could barely breathe".
When I was asleep, I was awake, and I was awake...asleep.

Trapped in my own mind.

Manhattan
08-01-2014, 12:55 PM
This was a dope read here. Had to go through each verse a couple times.

Writer 1
I felt you did a good job of portraying the story. It was a smooth read and you stuck to the topic (as you should) very well. I liked your connection in the end. Nice vocab as well. I just felt it could of been a bit smoother w/ the multis. Overall I though this was a nice topical and the story telling ability was very nice

Writer 2
I'm going to sound like a broken record here but I felt you did an excellent job of portraying the story here. I was also just a bit more hooked on the story here. The multis made the entire verse very smooth. Also nice use of vocab. The connection at the end was very nice too.

Overall- Neither had flaws from what I could see in there verse. Both had an amazing verse here. This ends up being about personal preference and I thought one was smoother and drew me into their story just a bit more than the other.
MVGT- Writer 2

Wizdumb
08-01-2014, 02:22 PM
Briefly, Writer #1's piece was emotionally captivating with smooth, impressive scheme-work and vivid imagery while Writer #2's verse was written in a more repetitive fashion and as a result of their scheme-work among other things, was much less impressive overall.

MVGT: Writer #1

Row
08-03-2014, 09:40 AM
This was pretty close , but what I distinguished between the two verses is that one rhymed more consistently on point , which made the read enjoyable , and the fluidity fairly constant. Off my preference.

One

Wonderbred
08-06-2014, 12:11 AM
This was a damn good topical final. Shame on everyone for not voting on it.

Writer 1: I really liked the structure of your verse overall, with a brief but poignant and engaging intro and outro. The imagery was pretty elaborate, but it all felt very natural. I'm a big dialogue fan, and I thought you used it fairly well interspersed with the kind of desperate internal monologue. As far as the story goes, it was semi-original, but the execution really took it above and beyond. I think I'm gonna start rating topical verses out of 10. See below.

Writer 2: The ending was pretty clever and did make me read the whole thing again, but to be completely honest I felt it was just a tad gimmicky. It was a good twist at first, but the more I looked at it the more it kind of fell flat. I wouldn't say it detracted from your verse, but I wouldn't say it added anything either. As far as rhyming goes, I'd say about 80% of your rhymes were better than your opponent, but the rest were pretty lackluster. Story-wise, I thought it was slightly less original than the first verse, as I could see the angle pretty early on.

Overall, both writers took the same basic approach, and it came down to execution.

Writer 1: 8.5
Writer 2: 8

MVGT Writer 1

Hubert Cumberdale
08-06-2014, 08:25 AM
4 votes in so far. Upping.

Fidel Z
08-14-2014, 10:00 PM
Writer 1

The imagery was there, the rhyming was dope and the flow was real smooth, Overall I aint see no flaw in your topical.

Writer 2

Your flow was nice af! Shit had a dope rhythm to me, However I feel like you could've went into more detail when explaining what was going on around you, anyway nice drop.

My winner be ........................ : Writer 1. Z

Hubert Cumberdale
08-14-2014, 10:09 PM
Writer 1 Wins 5-1

Writer 1 = Dono
Writer 2 = Enfinite

CONGRATULATIONS TO DONO