ATT Round 2: Writer 1 Vs Writer 2 - (Writer 2 Wins 3-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 1 vs. Writer 2

Rules
Verses are due Thursday, July 3rd.
Verses are to be sent to Wonderbred or Dave via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers are changed every round.
Check your PM too find which number you are for this round.

Topic
http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs17/i/2007/171/4/c/Alone_by_psychofunk.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 1

*ROLL SCENE*....

A child is patiently waiting to see the faces of greatness…
Men raised in the same place he claims as a nation.
Trained in the ranks to be brave n abrasive,
while raising the flag with invasive persuasion.

But the boy never knew what kind of fate they were facing.
To him, the waves calm... but to the troops they were raging.
They fought to weather the storm, but their fates had been shaped as,
they were plunged from their boat to their graves in the bay and
left without hope for the ocean to spare them.

Homes were left vacant, hearts tattered and quaking.
And that boy on the dock, was saddened and barren.
Maddened n shaken. Damaged and breaking.
For he had just lost his father that day and……

if you ask how I know then my answer is blatant.

I was the boy looking out from the docks as the waves crept.

Vs

Writer 2

"The Ship"

"Yesteryear"
In North America there's and urban legend,
Of a ship once sailed by emperor's and peasants,
Through the mists, up to the dock, from the stern it beckons.
Lanterns lit up down the street, children answered,
Calling to the imaginations of kids, filled with laughter.
They'd cross the cold sleek rocks, the plank groans, squeaks, squawks.
Then they would disappear in a cloaked, deep fog, like ghosts seen.....gone.
Once boarded, the ship would let out a bellowing roar,
Retreat from the dock, with all the children on board,
Slipping into the darkness like a thief that robbed scores.

"Thomas"
Thomas would go for long walks to test his feet,
Across sleek rocks, through sand, to his favorite stretch of sea,
His mom told him stories of a magical ship,
That soared through the sea that gathered the kids.
He waited every day, hoping the ship would come,
To hear it's call, the echo of the bells that rung!
"Oh boy, maybe today is my day", Tom said.
Looked out to sea, the wind stroked every hair on his blonde head.
Then a horn roared throughout the skies,
The water retreated, a mist was summoned, the ship arrived....

"On Board"
Thomas eyes opened wide as a dark hole,
Excitement became a beast that swallowed his heat whole.
A ferryman beckoned, "Hello, Thomas, your time has come".
"I'm your guide on this ride" Tom let out a slight hum.|
He hesitated and stuttered, then crossed the plank,
He was hoist aboard and darkness came,
"Silly boy, why have you come to this harsh of a place"?
"Muh, muh, muh, my mom said it was magical and safe"
"Silly boy, we are a ship that ferries workers and slaves"
"And there was only one little girl, that had escaped".....

[Supsie]

Writer 1 it was ok it fitted the pic but it seems like it wasnt finished or that it was rushed I mean it wasnt even 20 lines dude? But still not bad.

Writer 2 this was good I liked it felt sorry for him at the end so his mother wanted him to get on the ship an be taken? I liked the second part most.

My votes for 2 because it was what I liked more.

[Lockhart]

Writer 1: The rhyme scheme you started out with was completely phenomenal. It painted a very vivid picture of what all was going on in the past setting and it was eloquently wrote. However, I feel your rhyming and usage of scheme work tapered off at the middle and never picked back up. Some awkward sounding rhymes that really hindered the work's progression. Story wise, I felt the start was definitely your best part, but it really escalated a bit quick for my tastes in a topical writing. You automatically went from the boy waving a flag, to them riding on a boat, to him losing his dad in a battle all in the span of about 20 lines with no real progression to it. Decent topical overall and I understand why it might have been rushed, but I feel it may have hurt you here.

Writer 2: I felt rhyming wise, you had some similar issues to your opponent in the fact that there was just some awkward sounding rhymes along with a few broken schemes that really chopped up the flow of the read. Story wise, however, I feel you had a definite advantage over your opponent because of how well you were able to progress through your story without missing as many details that would otherwise lead a reader to be bewildered and lost.

Overall Writer 2 GMV because of his prowess over his opponent in terms of story progression. Other facets are about even, but this alone was enough to judge a clear winner. Good battle, guys.

[Dono]

Vote to writer 2.

Writer 1, I felt like you story was missing some details that would have really brought everything together. I felt just the slightest touch confused at times. Focus on making sure everything is coherent and clear to a reader on the first go through.

Writer 2, I liked the angle that you took, but you had the difficult task of having a lot of story and a very short space to tell it in. You did fairly well though.

Apologies for the short expo, you need anything else, message me.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 2 Wins 3-0