ATT Round 2: Writer 5 Vs Writer 13 - (Writer 13 Wins 3-0)

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 5 vs. Writer 13

Rules
Verses are due Thursday, July 3rd.
Verses are to be sent to Wonderbred or Dave via Private Message.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO or First to 5.
Writer numbers are changed every round.
Check your PM too find which number you are for this round.

Topic
http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/339/1/3/the_great_race__by_spikedmcgrath-d6wt406.jpg

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 5

Guardian Angel
That noose strung tight to the ceiling of his 1 floor apartment
His feet gripping the chair regretting this started
Away in a different place a group of entities darted
Towards his location before the chair hit the carpet
His life was filled with sorrow and disgrace
But that’s not the point of the story it’s the hardening race
From boats to planes to cars and trains all the angels grabbed the reigns
In hopes to claim their rightful place to guide the boy when in dismay
Through the plains they raced setting no distance between each other
“Why am I still living?” He wondered
One lady riding a camel faced the whole nation
Elegant hair and cheeks resembled rosacea
She was determined that now was time for her to meet her maker
She sped up to the speed of what felt like faster than sound
She took a lead as her steed flattened the ground
The door was finger tips away and she could see her fate beyond it
But the last thing she knew she lost her cape and bonnet
The door shut they were too slow and headed back
All that was left was the rope with the young boy’s head attached

Vs

Writer 13

"No matter if you're at the track for fun, or wind up with a tragic run, the 87th annual Racing of the Beasts has begun!"

That's what the announcer bellowed out, it always left the runners jilted,
but with this circuit track? I'm fairly certain that there's something different.
An older man had cranked his engine with his tires up and lifted
Next to him? A lady's camel that's been flapping gums and spitting.

But most amazing? From a greater distance, close to a yacht,
Was an ancient fisherman, who stays alone at the docks
Examining every single wave and the floating of rocks.
He'd hopefully thought the wind would blow and go with the plot
So he won't have to return to work and he'd go home from his job...
And this, THIS was the only hope that'd he'd got.
He'd sit religiously, fidgeting at what he's shown in his knots.
Muttering "If I win this race, I'll be a biblical man!"
He said this knowing in his mind that he's not given a chance
But he'll do anything to defy the cynical chants from the millions of fans.

There were also planes and a 'copter, the competition was fierce
All those around were surprised, he wasn't sitting in fear!
He stood up with massive pride, he knew he was fit for this tier
Stone faced, while the wind's whistle whips at his ears.

Introductions take place, he bends, taking his bow.
The race is soon to begin, he paces straight to the bow.
The gates are made, and he makes a final wave to the crowd
he'll be in their greatest graces once he's famous and proud
and first place and profound to all the faces in town.

3... 2... 1... *BOOM*!!! All the racers started tearing off
soon to figure out who will be victor in this marathon.
At first we saw the boat for just a moment, blink, and there, it's gone
so hopefully he won't be fine and dandy with a share of bronze.

*Hours Later*
In an astounding turn of events, the flying pilots had sunk!
The camel's writhing it's lungs, the car? Driven right to a stump!
The ancient man did it! He gets to spend his time in the sun!
It took him 87 years... He had finally won!

[Enfinite]

Writer 5:
Wasn't a bad piece. Flow was good, rhyming was good. I felt the vocab could of been upped. As for the story, I felt it was divided a bit, as though you tried to fit the race with the suicide theme, to me, it only half way meshed. I felt you should of used the remaining 12 or so lines just to flesh it out a bit more, the whole race scene seemed rushed and not put together all the way.

Writer 13:
Very great read, vocab, flow, imagery. I think I have a hunch to who you really are but I could be wrong. Long story short, this was just overall, a stronger piece than your opponents. The story was brought together better beginning to end, better use of vocab, just overall a more solid piece.

MVGT: Writer 13

[Supsie]

Writer 5 I didn't see suicide when I look at that pic but you made it kind of work but not so much that it amazed me overall it was creative tho just thought u looking at a diffrent pic.

Writer 13 Like the verse it all sounded nice flowed well and u had a good imagination for this one.

My Votes for 13 because it fitted the pic more and imo was better.

[Hubert Cumberdale]

Writer 5 - Your style here really reminded me of an old style I used to use. Perhaps you were slightly too literally to the picture at times. I found "one lady riding a camel" to be strange. If you're going to write a piece where every single thing is a metaphor, your wording has to be absolutely perfect, so it's something for you to continue practising. I felt that you didn't need to go as basic in the rhyming here. Your potential for multiple syllable rhyme schemes was fairly easy here as nothing was overly complex, so I was surprised to see you go down such a simplistic route with it.

Writer 13 - I really enjoyed this piece. The rhyming was simple but very effective. Really pushed the flow forward and allowed me to have no problems going through the verse. I felt the story had all the action that the picture presented. There was no massive twist at the end but all in all it was engaging throughout. You used some fairly solid poetic techniques in there as well which I was impressed by. Great verse.

Overall, I think the winner is fairly evident in this one.

GMV - 13

---------- Post added at 12:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:14 AM ----------

Writer 13 Wins 3-0